December 1

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.
The artist says, "Sure."
She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."
Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

December 2

Grammar is important.
Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,
and helping your uncle jack off a horse. 

December 3

Two men are sitting inthe bar. They have just took their eighth beer.
"So how are you?" one man asks from another.
"Much Better than tomorrow." the other answers.

December 4

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

December 5

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirtyand sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

December 6

Woman says to her man as she looks in the Mirror..does this dress make me look fat, the man replies No, your Fat makes you look fat.

December 7

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

December 8

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

December 9

One for the Gals...

Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say?.....
A: Anything that begins with "my wife tells me........"

One for the Guys...

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letterbox at the front door, which one do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in!

December 10

Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".

December 11

It’s the first day of football practise, and the coach notices that little Jimmy has a wee bit of talent. So he calls to Jimmy and tells to come over. “Hey kid,” he asks, “do you think you could pass a football?” little Jimmy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach. “Christ,” he replies. “I don’t think I could even swallow one.”

December 12

I got call from a Charity organization asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to Go to Hell, Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving! 

December 13

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

December 14

Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, John, crashed through the front door at 3 am, waking her up.
He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs.
'What are you doing?' Mary shouted.
John replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.'
'Leave it down there, Jimmy', Mary bellowed.
'I can't, 'John replied, 'I've drunk it.'

December 15

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they
are in their menstural cycle.
For example  when a women is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in gas and set on fire, with scissors
stuck in his eye and a broom shoved up his backside.

December 16

Paddy murphy sees a fat woman at the bar and saunters upto her.
"Excuse me SexyGirl29, have you got a pen?"
Blushing, the woman softly replies.....
"Yes"
Paddy replied.....
"Well i'd get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!" 

December 17

What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowladies?
Snowballs...

December 18

A little boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
'Say, Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?'
'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm,' she replied.
'Why is my sister's name Cornflower?' he asked.
'Well, your father and I were in a corn field when we made her,' the mother replied.
'And why is my other sister named Moonchild?' he asked.
'We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived,' she replied.
'Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?

December 19

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again"
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "sh*t."

December 20

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block!

- Variation -

Whay did the snowman pull down his pants?
Because he heard the snowblower was coming.

December 21

Why is Santa Claus always so happy?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

- Bonus -

How do you find Will Smith in a Snowstorm?
Follow the fresh prints.

December 22

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly
she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and
sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.
He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked,
"Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?" she asked.
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but
it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree."

December 23

FRUITCAKE RECIPE

Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Directions:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner
Throw the bowl out of the window
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

December 24

One particular Christmas eve a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

December 25

REASONS SANTA IS PROBABLY A WOMAN

1. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
2. Santa explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
3. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
4. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
5. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.

December 26

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

December 27

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,
"Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself, she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."

December 28

WOMAN'S DIARY - December 28th

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.  I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.  The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.  He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.  All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. 
He dropped me off back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed.  I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.  After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. 
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY - December 28th

Steelers Lost.  Got laid though.

December 29

Doctor: "Well, well.  It seems that your weight is perfect.  It just happens that you are eleven feet too short."

December 30

PAST AND PRESENT RESOLUTIONS

2009 I will not leave Tammy
2010 I will try to reconcile with Tammy
2011 I will try to be a better husband to Jessica

2008: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2009: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2010: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2011: I will not miss any more AA meetings.

2007: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2008: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2009: I will not take out any new loans
2010: I will keep up with the debt interest
2011: I will be out of the country by the end of the year.

December 31

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death. 

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