Pub Jokes

August 1

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

August 2

Vicky was at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect.
Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's
voice say, "We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
 Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging
outside screaming, "Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!"

August 3

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger man screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
(Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old man sofly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"
The passenger , terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells.
"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!"
He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

August 4

Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips
   called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

August 5

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant girl?
You can unscrew the light bulb!

August 6

One for the Guys...

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

And One for the Gals...

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

August 7

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best friend, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my buddy and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

August 8

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to screw her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

August 9

One for the Gals...

Guys and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet.
Girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pees as hard as he can on the stains.

And One for the Guys...

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at..... 8250-0327

August 10

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is
frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"I guess we answered that question."

August 11


Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

August 12

7 year olds asked what they think of beer...
    * Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
    * Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
    * Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
    * Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
    * Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
    * Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
    * Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
    *Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

August 13

Jimmy: Mommy, I have a drinking problem.
Mom: OH MY GO Jimmy! YOUR ONLY 7!
Mom: (crying) Tell Me about your drinking problem Jimmy.
Jimmy: (retrieves a paper from his school bag and reads) "If David Drinks 2 Glasses of Orange Juice and Carl drinks 3, How many glasses of Orange Juice have the both of them drank?"

August 14

No joke today,
There will be a funny joke about procrastination at a later date.

 August 15

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

August 16

A customer was bothering the bartender. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned on because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned off cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the bartender was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the bartender with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

August 17

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Rachael replied, "That's me before the surgery."

August 18

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down,he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

August 19

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

August 20

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped
to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he
stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked:  "Sir, can you please
tell me where your library is at?"
The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English
department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with
prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."
"Can you tell me where your library is at, a-hole?"

August 21

The good the Bad and the Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She is expecting triplets.
Ugly: You were sterilized five years ago.

Good: Your son is growing up.
Bad: He has a relationship with a prostitute from the neighborhood.
Ugly: Just like you.

August 22

One for the Guys...

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

And One for the Gals...

A wife asks her husband,  "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

August 23

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f%$*ing one?"

August 24

The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Sinead said: "My da's says eggs are important and we should eat plenty. One time we were taking our eggs home from the supermarket in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke on the dashboard and made a right mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Fionnula raised her hand and said: "Our family have a farm. We raise chickens for the meat factory. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Fionnula. Shane, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, Miss. My Da told me this story about my Auntie Karen. Auntie Karen went to live in the States in the 1980s when she couldn't get a job.  Later she was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of Irish Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Auntie Karen when she's been drinking.

August 25

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.
The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."
The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house."
So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.
"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."

August 26

I had a phone call from the police last night, they said "your house has been broken into, they drank all your beer and had sex with your wife".....I cant believe they had sex with her after only 4 beers!!

August 27

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son
who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do
something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next
month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid,
figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally
the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something
nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

August 28

A man lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so he decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet away from the dock. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" he said proudly to a deck hand.
"It was alright" said the sailor. "But if you had waited a few seconds we would have pulled all the way in"

August 29

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

August 30

TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth...Always say, "I am"...not "I is".
BETH: All right........."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

August 31

An elderly man was stopped by the police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The police said "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied "My wife." 

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