Pub Jokes

September 1

I went to the doctor the other day recently, to get my testicles checked out.
 While the doc was cupping my them, he said, "Don't worry, it's
 normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
 I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
 He replied, "I know you don't, but I do."

September 2

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and
a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

September 3

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

September 4

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

September 5

I was at a banking machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
She was right to ask, because when I gave her a shove she fell over.

September 6

Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back.  Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever.  Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too.  What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little.  What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes,  that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose.  Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"

September 7

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that could service all of his many hens.
He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you". Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk.
"Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his way with each hen.
But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dom,you'll kill yourself."
But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom.
The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer."

September 8

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20000) on a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down rolled the dice and yelled "Come on baby Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked "What did she roll?" The other answered "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

September 9

A priest   and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a   while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi   responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked,   'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one   occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham   sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his   reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,   'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain   celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of   our faith.'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to   the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'
The rabbi nodded   understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five   minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, 'Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't   it?'

September 10

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.
"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."
"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

September 11

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

September 12

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four
'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads."

September 13

The wife came out of the shower and said "babe shut the curtains, i don't want the neighbours seeing me naked".
"Don't worry" i replied, "if they see you naked, they'll shut their own curtains"

September 14

Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.

September 15

At 3am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

September 16

Occupational Motivations
*Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
*If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them fired.
*If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
*You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
*If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

September 17

I was at a banking machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
She was right to ask, because when I gave her a shove she fell over.

September 18

Jane's friend Debbie is complaining about a sore throat. Jane tells her, "When i have that I always give my husband oral sex and the next day I'm better, you should try it."
Next day Debbie comes in singing.
"How did it go?" asks Jane
"Brilliant" says Debbie, "Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

September 19

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

September 20

What is invisible and smells like Carrots?
Rabit farts

September 21

New Hallmark Cards

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it. She moved in with me.

You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?

Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful as you.....
have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After meeting you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
to ruin it for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

As I grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like
to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married.... but not to you.

Happy Birthday! you look great for your age... almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up.... I think it's time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time... what say we call it
quits.

I'm so miserable without you.... It's like you are still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Any idea who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think
of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... so we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in Alabama and Arkansas)

September 22

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your
partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then...
A student took the jar which the other students and
the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.
Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

September 23

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut....she is eating a snack
cake... the barber smiles at her and says, "SexyGirl29, you're gonna get
hair on your twinkie."
"I know, "she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

September 24

A guy goes to the bar and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

September 25

A Scotsman is walking home from a bar and decides to take a nap in a nearby ditch. Later as a couple of girls stroll by one says to the other," Hey, is it true they don't wear anything beneath those kiltsd?" The other says," let's take a look". So, after looking under the kilt and finding only what god graced him with, the one says," we should leave something to let him know we were here." So, she ties her blue hair ribbon to his  manhood. Upon waking the Scot uncovers to relieve himself. When he notices the ribbon he says," I don't know where you've been laddie but I see you took first prize."

September 26

A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "We've been married so long, SexyGirl29, I hope you feel you can ask
me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship."
The husband replies, "Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all six
of our children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"
The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father."
Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?"
Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."

September 27

SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG MAGICIAN FOR YOUR KID'S PARTY

10. Before he starts he tells you "by court order, I must maintain a distance of twenty feet from your kids"
9. He saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
8. He insists that his magic won't work with his pants on.
7. He makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
6. He replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
5. He closes his eyes, then claims to be invisible.
4. His first trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
3. He begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet love."
2. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of PBR into "liquid gold"
1. Before every trick, he says "For this one I'm going to need to borrow another bra."

September 28

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

September 29

An old man was in a bar, talking to a young man. The old man says:
"Look out there to the field. Do you see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with my own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Gary-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by my own achin' back. I carved that wood with my own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me Gary-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Hey, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off my back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Gary-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. He leans closer to the young man and says "But I screw one goat.......

September 30

A man walks into a bar one night.  He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.  "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

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