Pub Jokes

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November 1

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

November 2

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
"Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?"
"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead."
The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!"
"Be quiet Fridge," said the mother. 

November 3

Beside a doctor, in what other profession could a guy tell a girl to get undressed and send the bill to her husband.

November 4

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary..

November 5

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.
The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell.
The farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, 'I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.'
'Suit yourself,' the farmer replied. 'The hens are 'round back.'

November 6

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing with you.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your pants.

November 7

A man is watching football on TV and flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex.
He says to his wife " I don't know whether to watch this or the game"
She says " For god's sake watch already know how to play football".... 

November 8

I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw last night.He hypnotised 7 guys,then he tripped over the microphone cord,and yelled "F*ck me"
What happened next will haunt me forever.

November 9

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

November 10

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

November 11

Today I bought a new stick deodorant. 
The instructions said, 'Remove cap and push up bottom'. 
I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells nice!

November 12

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

November 13

Hypothetical questions....

What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why does the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god
If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

November 14

Little Billy's watching TV. He comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells his son all about sex and why a womans vagina gets wet. Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement. "So what were you watching, to ask this son?" asks his Dad. "Tennis" he replies..

November 15

Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
A: Banned from the petting zoo

November 16

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

November 17

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
"How long before you can cut my hair?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "A couple of hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before you can cut my hair?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "I'm pretty busy about 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked..."How long before you can cut my hair?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half today."
The guy left. The barber turned to the apprentice who was sweeping up hair and said "Do me a favour. Follow that bloke who just put his head around the door and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, the apprentice returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go?"
The apprentice looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!".

November 18

A guy playing golf with some friends was lining up his putt on the 9th hole when a funeral procession goes down the road next to the green. Without warning he stops hit shot, turns round and salute's the hearse. after it had disapeared he calmly stroked in the putt and walked to the next tee. One of the other players turned round and told him how moved he was by his actions, "it was the least I could do" he told him "After all I was married to her for over 20 years."

November 19

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

November 20

I was watching the game the other day, when my wife came in the room and said "want to make love?"
I replied   "after the game"
she said "you can record it you know"
"good idea" I said "go and set up the camcorder and I'll be up when the game is over."

November 21

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
One day after a few beers, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

November 22

A small boy got lost at a sporting event.
He went up to a Security guard and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically.
"Beer and women," said the boy.

November 23

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging back and forth!"

November 24

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

November 25

One for the Gals ...

At  a cocktail party, one woman said to  another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding  ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I  married the wrong man.'

and One for the Guys...

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well

November 26

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'
Dave was stunned.. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave ..
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

November 27

The Teacher asks the class of seven year olds who can come up with a sentence with the word fascinate.
A little girl says she went to the zoo and was fascinated by the animals.
The teacher thanks her and says its not quite the word she was looking for.
A liitle boy says he finds science programmes on the tv fascinating.
The teacher thanks him and says its not quite the word she's looking for.
Little jimmy at the back of the class puts his hand up and says
"My next door neighbour has twelve buttons on her blouse but because she has enormous breasts, she can only fasten eight."

November 28

A small boy got lost at a sporting event.
He went up to a Security guard and said: "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically.
"Beer and women," said the boy.

November 29

A Scotsman and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whisky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Damnit, I didn't know that was a choice!"

St Andrews Eve (Scotland)

November 30

There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
"I'm fine," Angus said, "But there are some really strange people living here in Australia. One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."

"Well, ma wee laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that."

"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Ma'am, I don't. No, I just stay inside ma apartment all day and night, playing ma bagpipes."

Happy St. Andrews Day (Scotland)!

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