Pub Jokes

June 1

Dislexic boy asks his mother if he can have McDonalds for dinner,
"you can have it if you can spell it" she says
"Screw it, Ill have a KFC instead"

June 2

One for the Guys...

Adventurous....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..............................No breasts.
Average looking...............Moooo.
Beautiful............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure..........On medication.
Free Spirit...........................Junkie.
Friendship first....................Former slut.
New-Age.......................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned....................No B.J.'s
Outgoing.............................Loud and embarrassing.
Voluptuous......... ...............Very fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely fat.

 One for the Gals..

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

June 2

As a child I was subjected to cruel medical experiments where parts of animals were grafted onto my body.  If I ever find the scientist responsible, I'll kill him with my bear hands!

June 3

As a child I was subjected to cruel medical experiments where parts of animals were grafted onto my body.  If I ever find the scientist responsible, I'll kill him with my bear hands!

June 4


Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor orpharmacist about Beer.
Beer is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Beer can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Beer almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living with Beer.
Beer may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Beer. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects of Beer may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lucool illness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and/or play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.

June 5

A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka."
The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine."
The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.
The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen."

June 6

John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.
Bill says, "Hey John, what's wrong?"
John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

June 7

The boy takes his girlfriend back home after being out together.  They
reach the front door.  He leans with one hand on the wall and says,
"Sweetie, how about some oral?"
"What??  You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, hon, no one'll see!"
"Yeah they will!  We're on the front door step for crying out loud!
Someone will see!"
"Not at this time of night, babe, c'mon, no one'll show up!"
"No, no, no!  I don't want someone to see!"
"Baby, you'll love it, too, c'mon, I know you will."
"No, no!"
"Cmon, love, don't be like that, c'mon."
At that moment, the door opens and the girl's younger sister shows up at
the door in her nightgown.  Her hair's totally in disorder.  She's rubbing
her eyes.
She yawns and says, "Dad told me to tell you to do it, or I've got to
do it, or he's gonna come down and do it himself, but, for God's sake,
tell your boyfriend to get his hand off of the damn intercom button!"

June 8

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack
for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

June 9

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

June 10

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them.'
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but  I
usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with  my wife.
I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I  could get a
good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with
'the girls. '
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which  was
open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I  noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop
where I bought it?

June 11

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

June 12 

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"

Happy Russia Day

June 13

A boy walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting
on the side of his bed sliding a condom on, preparing to make love to his wife. Jimmy's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.
The boy asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"
His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.",
to which the boy replied "What ya gonna do, screw it?"

June 14

A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Boobs" the drunk replied.

June 15

The police came to my front door last night with a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids."

June 16

On fathers day I was cutting the lawn when my teenage
son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind
the mower, he exclaimed, "On, Dad, you shouldn't have
to mow the lawn on your birthday."
Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he
added, "You should wait until tomorrow!"

Happy Father's Day

June 17
The Top 10 Rejected Beer Slogans

10. Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years
9.A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self
8. Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'!
7. You have to fill your bladder with something.
6. We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster.
5. Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You
4. It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper!
3. Easier to Spell than Whiskey
2. The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid
1. Beer: It's how you got here.

June 18

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

June 19 

Bad things to overhear during Surgery
"I shouldn't of had that last drink"
"You know I can't stand the sight of blood."
"Damnit! Rewind the instructional tape again"
"Now, which one of these did you sterilize, again?"
"Let's see now... where's slot A?"
"Hey! I saw something just like this on The X-Files"
"Ok, think... You're back in med school, that test you failed... think....."
"Hand me that curvey thing"
"Now I'm sure I put his brain around here somewhere."
"What were we supposed to cut off again?"
"Now what does this thing do?"
"I don't know, it isn't in the manual!"
"Well, MAKE it fit!"
"Dammit, I hate it when I have parts left over."
"Wasn't I wearing my wedding ring?"
"Ahh.. nobody'll notice."

June 20

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

June 21

One for the Gals...


Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.
Women cry when they are happy.
Women are always doing little things to show they care.
They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best food, best clothes)
Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up.
They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.
Women know how to get the most for their money
They know how to comfort a sick friend.
Women bring joy and laughter to the world.
They know how to entertain children for hours on end!
They are honest and loyal.
Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.
They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.
Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.
They know how to make a man feel like a king.
Women make the world a much happier place to live.


Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.

One For the Guys...


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

June 22

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

June 23

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

June 24

A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to
his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish". She freaks and slaps him
across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran
what you just said" The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that,
go tell your dad what you just said"  The boy goes to his dad and says
"Look dad - I'm Scottish. His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives
him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that,
now how do you feel"? The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and
I hate you English bastards already".

- In Celebration of Midsummer Day

June 25

An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense
meetings, he's exhausted.
After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few
drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny.
He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar.
After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel
for some action.
They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As
they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she
catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa!
The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life,
and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time.
After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of
the room.
The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese
company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get
to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the
best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!
The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese
he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"
The CEO turns to him and says, "What do mean, wrong hole?

June 26

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says,
"Don't worry; that was an bug."
To which, her son replies,
"I'm surprised that bug can fly with a d#ck that big."

June 27

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.  I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Hawley's pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the  counter, and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the package and asked if I knew
how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'  So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.  She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused so, she looked all around the store to make sure it was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and  walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.  She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside.  'Do these excite you?' she asked, holding her breasts up for me to see.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.  She then said it was time to slip the condom on.  As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her
panties and lay down on a desk.  'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.  She looked at me with a bit of a frown.  'Did you put that
condom on?' she asked.  I said,
'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

June 28

Easy steps to poo like a man .......

1. Select reading material
2. Tell everyone along the way, 'Just going for a dump, okay?' Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.<?

June 29

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies " Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

June 30

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry
you. Think of how long it will take to get a lawyer!"

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