Pub Jokes

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February 1

You're momma's so fat she falls off both sides of the bed
You're Momma's so fat, when she walks by the TV I miss a season of the Cosby Show.
You're momma's so fat she asked for a water bed and they threw a blanket over the Pacific ocean.
You're momma's so fat she caught athe flesh-eating virus three years ago.
You're mamma's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X jacket and a helicopter landed on her back.
You're mamma's so fat when god said let there be light he asked her to step out of the way
You're momma's so poor when I rang the doorbell she stuck her head out the window and yelled ding dong.
You're momma's so poor she can't even pay attention!
You're momma's so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.
You're mamma's so dumb she spent all day arranging M&M's in alphabetical order.
You're momma's so ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
You're mamma's such a drunk,  If it weren't for the olives in martinis, she would starve to death.

February 2

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

February 3

I decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist"
cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!

February 4

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush Restaurant
 and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her
 gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
 The wife asks, do you know her?"
 "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife.  She took to
 drinking right after we divorced 7 years ago, and I hear she
 hasn't been sober since."
 "My God!" said  the wife.  "Who would think a person could go
 on celebrating that long?"

February 5

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
    * A Litre of 2% milk,
    * A carton of eggs,
    * A Litre of orange juice,
    * A head of lettuce,
    * A can of coffee,
    * And one pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "

February 6

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

February 7

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can pick a medium prize"

February 8

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
4. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
3. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

February 9

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
 lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
 discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
 apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he
 began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
 first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass
 of wine.
 He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
 "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
 Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
 glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
 and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
 enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It
 seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
 whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins
 being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into
 another world.
 "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

February 10

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"
The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."

February 11

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

February 12

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

February 13

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

February 14 

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Happy Valentines Day!

February 15

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.  She's
down to her last $50.  Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck!
What in the world should I do now?"  A man standing next to her, trying
to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know...  why don't you play your
He walks away.  Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table.  Maybe she won!  He rushes back to the
table and pushes his way through the crowd.  The lady is lying limp on
the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned.  He asks, "What happened?  Is she all right?"  The
operator replies, "I don't know.  She put all her money on 29, and 36
came up.  Then she just fainted!"

February 16

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

February 17

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

February 18

A man walks into a  library and says to the librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, do you have any books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says
"Piss off, you wont bring it back!' 

February 19

An Irishman walks into a bar in <?Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

February 20

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

February 21

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

February 22

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've been eating my socks."

February 23

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

February 24

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

February 25

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.
A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change and she does.

February 26

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

February 27

This guy is at the supermarket and after buying a few things he begins
to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15
mins in the line he reached the checkout girl, and just at that moment
he remembers that he needs some condoms. Not wanting to line up again
he said to the girl, "I meant to buy some condoms but forgot," to
which she replies, "Do you know what size you are?" "No." The girl
then said, "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are."
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl
has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone, "1 packet of
large condoms to aisle 3 please." He pulls up his trousers, the
condoms are brought to him, he pays his bill, and goes on his way.

Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice
girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a
similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a
feel she says, "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please."
The condoms are then brought to him, he pays the bill, and goes on his

Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old
boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon
reaching the checkout girl he says, "I'd like to buy some condoms
please, but I forgot," and the girl replies, "Do you know what size
you are?" He answers "Nope," and she asks him to drop his trousers and
she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone, "Clean up on aisle 3, please!"

February 28

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

February 29

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. 
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....   
'Go get your Mother'

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