Pub Jokes

April 1

One for the Gals...
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

One for the Guys...
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect female - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. ………………or, as an   acronym, B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

April 2

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
"Honey, this is the pig ive been sleeping with."
The wife looks up from the magazine she's reading and says,
"That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
The man replies, "I was talking to the sheep."

April 3

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

April 4

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

April 5

A guy out for a drink with his friends sees a pretty girl and tries to charm her by saying " I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis but its too long" To which she replies "Thats funny, I was gonna tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

April 6


RULE #1    The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
RULE #2    Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
RULE #3    Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
RULE #4    Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
RULE #5    Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
RULE #6    If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours
his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a
good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
RULE #7    Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
RULE #8    The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.
RULE #9    No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly
optional and slightly gay.
RULE #10    Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
RULE #11    Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
RULE #12    If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem  you didn't see
RULE #13    When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never
ask who's playing.
RULE #14    It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
topless super model...and it's free.
RULE #15    Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
RULE #16    A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
RULE #17    If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring
to his beer.
RULE #18    Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
RULE #19    Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
RULE #20    If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him...too gay."
RULE #21   "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
RULE #22    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

April 7

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."

April 8

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day, Couples have Valentines Day, What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
 - In Celebration of Palm Sunday (2012 EH April 1, WH April 8)

April 9

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

April 10

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

April 11

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never
let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest
emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and
invincible. . .

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never

April 12

Two women were discussing the news of the day at their favorite cocktail bar-- the story of a politician who had an affair
with a young woman was one topic that came up. One asked the other
"what would you do if you ever caught your husband
with another woman?"
"Another woman with MY husband?" She thought it over.
"Let's see, I suppose I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the mental institution she escaped from."

April 13

A giraffe bellies up to the bar and says, Hey guys, the high balls are on me!

April 14

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

April 15

I Passed out drunk at a friends house last night, only to awaken this morning to find that someone had drawn a forehead on my penis.
I kinda' suspect my dyslexic friend.

April 16

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.

April 17 

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you're heterosexual then."
"Of Course!" the builder boasted.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sexual orientation."
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.
On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a Homo then!"

April 18

 A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests.
The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room.
Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel."
"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep."

April 19

I told my Doctor I'd badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident. 
He said, "Did you fall off your board?". 
I said, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut quickly!"

April 20

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."
So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!"
So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!"
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

April 21

Chat site transcript:

Manly33:   Hello, SexyGirl29. What do you look like?
SexyGirl29: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
            heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My
            measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Manly33:   I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have
            on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.
            I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue
            sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.
SexyGirl29: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Manly33:   OK.
SexyGirl29: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
            stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm
            looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way
            down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge,
            swelling bulge.
Manly33:   I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
SexyGirl29: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Manly33:   Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
SexyGirl29: I'm moaning softly.
Manly33:   I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
SexyGirl29: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
            slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster,
            pulling and rubbing.
Manly33:   My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
            hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
SexyGirl29: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Manly33:   I'll pay for it.
SexyGirl29: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
            soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder
            and harder.
Manly33:   I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
            stuck. Do you have any scissors?
SexyGirl29: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
            undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air
            caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Manly33:   How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
            the clasp.
SexyGirl29: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
            tongue all over me.
Manly33:   I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
            breasts. They're neat!
SexyGirl29: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
            your ear.
Manly33:   I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
SexyGirl29: What?
Manly33:   I'm so sorry. Really.
SexyGirl29: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
            my blouse.
Manly33:   I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
            a plop.
SexyGirl29: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
            hard tool.
Manly33:   I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
SexyGirl29: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Manly33:   I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
            in and out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.
SexyGirl29: What's the matter?
Manly33:   I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
SexyGirl29: Are you OK?
Manly33:   I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
SexyGirl29: Can I help?
Manly33:   I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
            through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep
            your cups?
SexyGirl29: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Manly33:   I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
SexyGirl29: Come back to me, lover.
Manly33:   I'm washing the cup now.
SexyGirl29: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Manly33:   I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
            cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait,
            it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
SexyGirl29: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Manly33:   I found it.
SexyGirl29: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
Manly33:   Me too.
SexyGirl29: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
            bodies pressing each other.
Manly33:   Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
SexyGirl29: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Manly33:   OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
            glasses on the night table.
SexyGirl29: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Manly33:   I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
            and toward the bathroom.
SexyGirl29: Hurry back, lover.
Manly33:   I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
            the toilet. I lift the lid.
SexyGirl29: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Manly33:   I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
            but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
SexyGirl29: What's the matter now?
Manly33:   I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
            Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly
            feeling my way.
SexyGirl29: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Manly33:   OK, now I'm going to put my... you know... thing... in
            your... you know... woman's thing.
SexyGirl29: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Manly33:   I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
            your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
SexyGirl29: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
            it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Manly33:   I'm flaccid.
SexyGirl29: What?
Manly33:   I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
SexyGirl29: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
            on my face.
Manly33:   I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
            floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
SexyGirl29: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
            underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Manly33:   No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
            table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans
            of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
SexyGirl29: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Manly33:   I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
            our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire!
            I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
SexyGirl29: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Manly33:   Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
SexyGirl29: <logged off>

April 22

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog barks. His owner says “see he said  ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".  The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog barks again. The owner says “see he said RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".

April 23

A doctor tells a man that the best thing to do is to give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning and go to bed early every night. The patient paused and then asked, What's the second best thing to do?

April 24

 A Man is walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars," she whispers.
He had never had a hooker before, but decides - what the hell, it's only twenty dollars. So he joins her in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"'What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to me wife," the man answers sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"
''Well, neither did I," he said, "till you shined the light in her face!!"

April 25

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits:     Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies:   Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Happy ANZAC Day Australia!

April 26

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

April 27


"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
     North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"
"Bi-Curious George"

April 28

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, scr.w him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

April 29

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it

April 30

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you"
She said "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied "It's me talking to the beer"

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