Pub Jokes

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October 1

I nearly pissed myself last night. 
I was in the airport bar having a pint when this guy came in shouting Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allava whiskey on the rocks please. 
Damn Stutterers ...........

October 2

A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

October 3

This bloke is in our pub in Temple Bar, really drunk.   Some lads decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and the bloke's wife looks livid.   One of them says: "Here's your husband, Missus! Safe and sound."   And the wife says: "Yeah right. Now where the hell is his wheelchair?"

October 4

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk."
He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk."
Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".

October 5

After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said "your the biggest i've ever had"
Apparently, "Ditto" wasn't the correct response..

October 6

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

October 7

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."

October 8

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.  "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy.  "Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."
"Thats Nice" says the other IT guy who seemed disinterested.
"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."
"Hmmm" says the second guy sipping his beer
"I took her miniskirt off, then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."
"Really?!!  You got a new laptop?!!"

October 9


Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what
movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely
predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

It is really amazing, isn't it?

October 10

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Carmen,” she replied.
“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”
“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked.
“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”
“Beertits,” the man replied.

October 11

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

October 12

A guy texts his wife from the pub and says "Honey I'm just having 1 more pint, then i'll be on my way home. If i'm not home in 20 minutes then just read this text again".

October 13

I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and i told her she reminded me of my little toe. "Why" she said " Is that because i'm small and cute". "No" i said "Because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table later".

October 14

 A guy checks into a hotel in Vegas on a business trip and starts to feel a bit lonely so he decides to get a call girl.
So he picks up the phone and calls the number he got from the cab driver.
"Hello?" the woman says.
"Hi, are you nasty? I want nasty. I want it hard and fast.
I'm talking kink all night. You name it we'll do it. Bring equiptment, bring toys. You do me and I'll do you--all night.
Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. How does that sound?"
She says, "Umm, Sir? For an outside line you need to press 9."

October 15

A maid asked for a pay increase. The housewife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.                She asked: 'Tell me, why do you want a pay increase?                  
  Maid: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase..The first is that I iron better than you. '                             
  Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'                               
  Maid: 'Your husband said so.'                                          
  Wife: 'Oh.'                                                             
  Maid: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'         
  Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
  Maid: 'Your husband did.'
  Wife: 'Oh.'
  Maid: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'                                                                           
  Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'                                                                           
  Maid: 'No ...the gardener did.'                                        
  Wife: 'how much do you want?'

October 16

A woman shouts to her husband "DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT?" "What are the choices?." asks the husband. She yells "YES OR NO!"

October 17

I thought the wife would be an ideal contestant for a new TV show. Turns out i was wrong, the program is actually called Fact Hunt.

October 18


This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values
For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.
For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

October 19

A wife says to her husband your always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what the hell do you expect, your in a wheel chair.

October 20

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

October 21

I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly"
That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking responsibly.
And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly"
Probably will Piss off the government as well.

October 22

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

October 23

A guy was invited to some old friend’s home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, SexyGirl29, Jaanu, etc.
The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

October 24

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, Salty."

October 25

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us
this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must
decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate.
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate
$100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is
that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder
Bread account."

October 26

Bubba and Earl are two avid hunters who got a pilot to take them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they were loading them on the plane to come home, the pilot tells them the plane can only carry four.
The two good old boys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six animals were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

October 27

A boy  was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard him going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

October 28

Every day, A man jogged past a prostitute standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what she always yelled.
"One hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five dollars!" He would yell back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the prostitute became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd  yell, "One hundred and Fifty dollars!"
He'd  yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day, his wife decided accompany him on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
The man realised she'd bark her $150 offer and his wife would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He  figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As  they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the prostitute. He tried to avoid the prostitute's  eyes as she watched the pair jogging past.

Then, from her corner, she yelled:
"See  what you get for five dollars, you cheap bastard!"

October 29

Q. How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.

October 30

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

October 31

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say SexyGirl29?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

- Happy Halloween

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