May 1

A man walks into a bar and asks for a bin Ladin. The bartender says "whats a bin Ladin?" The man replies 2 shots and a splash of water

- In Recognition of Take Out the Garbage Day a.k.a. Venegence Day, the Osama Bin Laden was killed.

May 2

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah."
"This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three.
You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that!
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.Finally, he said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

May 3

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.'
I said, 'don't worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually.'

May 4

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said "forget it buddy there's no paper in here either"!.

May 5

My wife said "wisper dirty things in my ear"
I said "kitchen... bathroom... livingrioom..."

May 6

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from <?<?<?<?Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '64."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '64, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Keefe twins are drunk again."

May 7

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

May 8

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes...................................No
No.....................................Yes
Maybe................................No
We need..............................I want
We need to talk.....................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead.......................You better not
Do what you want.................You will pay for this later
I am not upset.............Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight....Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry..........................I am hungry
I am sleepy...........................I am sleepy
I am tired.............................I am tired
Nice dress.............................Nice cleavage!
I love you............................Let's have sex now
I am bored.........................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?........I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to a movie?....I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner?.....I'd like to have sex with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit............I'm gay

May 9

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause over three times as many accidents.

May 10

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter
to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose.
I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never
held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the
bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going
to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I
can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and
you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law....
P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

May 11

YOU HAVE PURCHASED A BAD BEER WHEN...

10. TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of the Hudson River..."
9. The second you take a sip, your liver fails
8. For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle
7. It was actually brewed by Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams
6. Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beercompany has a wheelbarrow pushed by a doped-up monkey
5. The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry"
4. Tastes more like mountain goat piss than a mountain stream
3. Picture on label is of a guy throwing up
2. It reads "from concentrate"
1. When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," your buddies kill themselves.

May 12

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you
been drinking, sir?”
“Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?”
“No,” replied, the policeman, “You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

May 13

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best friend, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my buddy and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

May 14

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old
friend John, "How come you aren't married?"
John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good
cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to
handle money, have a nice and pleasant
personality -- and money, she's got to have
money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"
John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."

May 15

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
"A hundred dollars."
"Damn. All I've got is thirty."
"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
"A handjob," Harry replies.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

May 16

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a
bondage S+M magazine.  This was highly upsetting for her.  She hid the
magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.  He looked at it
and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

May 17

I was making love to my wife the other day when she stopped moving.
She just laid there lifeless, so I decided to finish.
All of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!!.
Honestly, some people are just sick in the head!.

May 18

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

May 19

A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."

May 20

"Where are you from?" the manager asked
The stockboy replied, "Canada sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The stockboy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The stockboy replied, "Err, No kidding! What team did she play for?

- Happy Victoria Day, Canada (2013)

May 21

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll go down on you for the toaster.

May 22

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles.  I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"

May 23

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, he'll stop giving me money!”

May 24

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

May 25

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

May 26

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

May 27

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

- Happy Memorial Day (2013)

May 28

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both
lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will
self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will
be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a Power "Wash"
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where
he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
THE DOG

May 29

A farmhand walks into the barn and is shocked to find the farmer doing a striptease in front of a tractor.
"What the hell are you doing?" asked the farmhand in disbelief as the farmer rubs his butt against a tire.
"My wife and and I have been having marriage problems so we went to see a counsellor.
He said I need to do something sexy to a tractor"

May 30

May 31

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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