Pub Jokes

July 1

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

- Happy Canada Day

July 2

A woman says to her girlfriend, "My husband has dandruff."
"So give him Head and Shoulders."
Her friend answers. "OK, how do I give Shoulders?"

July 3

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But  when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. 
"Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser."
I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money.
"No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."

July 4

USA State Motto's

Alabama: Now with Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Learnin' Ain't Everythin'
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else
Nebraska: (Ask About Our State Motto Contest)
Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker! And that's just breakfast!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: Yo, I got your MF-in motto right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: Don't forget your lawyer.
North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable
North Dakota: One Of The 50 States! ...Yes, Really!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep, syrup!
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!

July 5

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

July 6

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you’ve drank too much.

July 7

A couple young ladies decided to go for a swim but forgot their suits. No one was around so they decided to strip of all their cloths and jump in. Pretty soon an old man shows up and starts staring. One of the blonds says, " Hey buddy, if you think were coming out of the water your crazy. We know what you're up to." The old man says, "I'm not here to look at you, I'm here to feed the alligators."

July 8

Three men come before St.Peter one morning. Pete asks the first one what happened and gets the following response:
"I was on my way to work when I realized I'd forgotten my lunch, so I turned around and headed back. When I opened the door, my wife was standing there buck-naked. Now I'm no dummy, so I got to looking around the room. I didn't find anything unusual. So I went to the window and opened it up, and there was this guy, buck naked, hanging off the ledge. I banged on his fingers with all my might, but the sucker just wouldn't let go. So finally I just picked up a chest and shoved it out the window. That did the trick. After that I died of a broken heart."
St. Peter moves on to the next:
"I got up this morning and went to open my bedroom window, but I lost my balance and fell out. Somehow I caught onto the window-ledge of the floor below and was hanging on for dear life, when all of a sudden this guy throws open the window and starts hammering on my fingers to get me to let go. I kept yelling for help, but the guy was nuts. He turned and disappeared, and I thought everything was going to be all right, when suddenly this huge chest comes out the window on top of me and after that it all goes dark."
Finally, St. Peter asks the third man how he met his end.
"Honestly, I couldn't really tell you. The last thing I remember, I was hiding in a chest."

July 9

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote "Check girl puts out"

July 10

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year- old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookies section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to
have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry--only two more aisles
to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in
five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.
The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine--I'm Missy."

July 11

One for the Gals...
Q. What do clouds and men have in common?
A. Occasionally they leave & it turns into a really nice day.

One for the Guys...
Earlier i couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so i asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she'd gone shopping.

July 12

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.”
The guy thinks, “Great, they think the dog did it.” He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you.”

July 13

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

July 14

A elderly woman goes to the doctor complaining about a lump in her breast.
After examining her, the doctor says "don't worry Mrs Smith, it's just your kneecap."

July 15

A young boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad."
"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now"
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.
"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"
"Mom says when you croak we can have this house"

July 16

One for the Gals...

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the shops.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
12. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

and One for the Guys...

A Man comes home drunk, after drinking too much beer in a local bar.
He opens the door of a bedroom and says: "You can start yelling now, so I can find where the bed is..."

July 17

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at <?<?Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

July 18

A policeman, cruising past a pub after closing, notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink, and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."
The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

July 19

I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

July 20

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need
you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

July 21

Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning
one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper
told a photographer to get over there and take pictures
of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard
of hearing and the other could hear quite well...
Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to
sit on the sofa.The nearly-deaf sister said to her twin,
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,"
said the photographer.Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"With a big grin, the nearly-deaf
twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

July 22

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband.
The newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying. Turning to her husband she says sobbing,
"That's horrible".
Confused, he responds, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving. And, well, there is that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing says, "Honey, how many is a Brazilian?"

July 23

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

July 24

Slogans for 24% ABV Beer (like Sam Adams Utopias or Dogfish Head World Wide Stout)
16 A Trailer Park in Every Bottle!
15 Because a Beer Hat Only Holds Two Cans
14 Strong Enough for a Bush -- But Made for a Kennedy
13 You Booze, You Snooze
12 You Only Go Around Once in Life -- Might as Well Be Hammered
11 Great Taste, Less Feeling!
10 The Quicker Liquor-Upper
9 Because Roofies Ain't Legal, Homeboy
8 Like Bourbon, Only Carbonated
7 What Beer Drinkers Drink When They Ain't Drinkin' Gasoline
6 48 Proof: Easily Divisible by Your Favorite 12-Step Program!
5 It's Disinfectastic!
4 Goodbye, Beer Goggles. Hello, Seeing-Eye Dog!
3 Get Fried With That
2 Upgrade from Beer Goggles to a Beer Hubble Telescope!
1 Now With More of the Active Ingredient Alcoholics Recommend Most

July 25

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

July 26

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

July 27

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on."
The woman replied, "Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?"
The man replied, "No, I'm turning the heat off."

July 28

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

July 29 

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the
prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books
on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks
at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Piss off, ye'll not bring it back!' 

July 30

What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?
Scratching like hell to get out of that box.

July 31

John and Mary decided to try a 69.  John's never done one before, so Mary says I'll show you how. She tells him to lie on the floor and she squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts apologising she tries again, but farts again.
John jumps up and storms away yelling. No way I'm hanging around for another 67 of them.

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