Pub Jokes

March 1

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Will you look at that?" says the first Irishman. "And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside.
"There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats," says the second Irishman.
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside.
"Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died!"

March 2

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be sitting next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the
longest average length and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

March 3

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

March 4

Irish Coffee is the perfect meal because it contains all four food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.

March 5

I asked my wife if I pleased yer in bed? "yes, i love that trick you do with your mouth" she said. "what trick?" I asked. "The one where you shut up and go to sleep"

March 6

Q: Where does an Irishman go for a vacation?
A: A different bar.

March 7

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone

March 8

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda (police) get here!''

March 9

A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, anything you choose, the other man gets twice as much of."
The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.
So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!"
The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for."
The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.

March 10

There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk.
If Chuck Norris was a spartan the movie would be called "1".
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
Chuck Norris doesn't m*sturbate, he r*pes his hand.
Chuck Norris could start a fire with 2 ice cubes.
Chuck Norris doesn't swim (even though he can), the water holds Chuck Norris up.
The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist!
Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Global warming is caused by transient energy leftover from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.
Do you know why God is called "God"?
        Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken.
The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.
Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there.
           In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry
Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer...
     ...sadly he never cries....
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real.  
        It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, check the obituaries.
Giraffes did not exist until Chuck Norris began uppercuting horses.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Jesus might be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
The Virgin Islands have a backup name ready in case Chuck Norris visits.
Chuck Norris volunteered to go to war in Japan during WWII, Truman decided it was more humane to bomb hiroshima.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot           belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon!
Chuck Norris  can run so fast around the earth that he can punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris  can have both feet on the ground and kick someone in the back of the face!
 - Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist and actor.

March 11

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

March 12

An Irish priest is driving down a highway and is pulled over for speeding.
The policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle beside him. He asks the priest, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The priest responds, "No officer, just water,"
The policeman asks, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "The Good Lord! He's done it again!"

March 13

An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled, " the man said. "We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

March 14

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

March 15

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden
but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was
in Long Kesh Prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply,
"For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was:
"Plant your potatoes,
Your Welcome"

March 16

Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

March 17

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

March 18

O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.
“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood.

March 19

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side"

March 20

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

March 21

A guy walks into a pub and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the loo. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

March 22

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I
ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

March 23

A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions.
He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness.
"Parlez-vous Francais, he asks.
The old men look at each other and shake their heads.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
Again, the old men shake their heads.
Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks "Habla Espanol?"
The men once again shake their heads.
Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks "Parla l'italiano?"
The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement.
The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off.
One old man says to the other, "You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language."
"Ah get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four and it didn't do him a bit of good."

March 24

Fifteen years together and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.
So if anyone knows another way to get dogs shit out of my boots, I'm all ears

March 25

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking. ""In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober. "

March 26

A cowboy walks in to a bar and says," I want a beer." So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone.He shouted," if i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.

March 27

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

March 28

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

March 29

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls
getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials..
Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband
puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's
friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find
Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your
husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening
I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind
me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was
his birthday suit." "He took my hand and lead me to our
bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen
candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had
handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to
the bed, so I did."   "And then he said, 'Now, you can
do whatever you want.' So here I am."

March 30

FDA Warnings

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

March 31

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

- Happy Easter (2013)

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