September 1
“Life is all about ass. You’re either covering it, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it or behaving like one.”
- Unknown

September 2
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
- Dave Barry

September 3
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
  - Drew Carey - In celebration of Labor day (2012)

September 4
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
- Actual sign In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery

September 5
"Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working."
- Harold Rudolph

September 6
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy (September 6th, 1958), an American comedian.

September 7
"Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy."
- Unknown

September 8
“The grass is only greener on the other side if you’re not afraid to climb the fence.”
- Unknown
 
September 9
"Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question."
- Unknown

September 10
"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
Neale Donald Walsch (September 10th, 1943), an American author

September 11
“You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.”
- Unknown
 
September 12
"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."
Charles Dudley Warner (September 12th, 1829 - October 20th, 1900), an American essayist and novelist.
bonus
"The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind." 
- H.L. Mencken(September 12th 1880 – January 29th 1956), an American journalist and satirist. Quote from  Prejudices, Fourth Series (1924).

September 13
"Independent Worker = Nobody knows what he/she does"
- Anonymous

September 14
"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you."
- Unknown

September 15
"No boy is as good as her father in his daughter's eyes. No father is as good as her boy in his mother's eyes."
- Unknown

September 16
"Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
- Unknown

September 17
“Bigamy: having one wife too many.
Monogamy: see Bigamy”
- Anonymous

September 18

1
"No, sir: There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn."
- Samuel Johnson (September 18th 1709  – December 13th 1784),  an English author.
2
"This is one of the disadvantages of wine:  it makes a man mistake words for thought." 
- Samuel Johnson

September 19
“Drunk words are sober thoughts.”
- Unknown

September 20
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
- Unknown
 
September 21
"I can't afford to go away on vacation, so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am"
- Unknown

September 22
"Never cry over spilt milk.  It could've been whiskey." 
-"Pappy" Maverick, in Maverick, a TV show that ran from September 22, 1957 to July 8, 1962 on ABC. 

September 23
“When I grow up I want to know that I did all the wrong things, for all the right reasons.”
- Unknown
 
September 24
"Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Anonymous

September 25
"Worrying won’t keep the bad stuff from happening. It just keeps you from enjoying the good."
- Unknown
 
September 26
"An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer."
- Confucius

September 27
“Let no man thirst for good beer.”
- Sam Adams (September 27th 1722 – October 2nd 1803), an American revolutionary.

September 28
"A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it."
- Unknown

September 29
"Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for."
- Unknown
 
September 30
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
- Episode of "Cheers", Cliff describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm. Cheers was on  NBC from September 30, 1982 - May 20, 1993.