May 1
"Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song."
- Unknown

May 2
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
- Anonymous

May 3
"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober that one night..."
- Anonymous

May 4
"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
- Anonymous

May 5
"It's Cinco de Mayo, and If you don't speak Spanish, Cinco de Mayo is Spanish for, 'the mayonnaise is in the sink.'"
- Anonymous
-Alternative-
Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.
- Karl Marx (May 5th 1818 to March 14th 1883), a German philosopher.

May 6
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
- Actual sign In a Paris hotel elevator

May 7
"I bought my epileptic cousin a strobe light for his birthday...
He'll have a fit when he sees it."
- Anonymous

May 8
"I live for experiencing the nights that I can't remember with the people I'll never forget."
- Unknown

May 9
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted."
- Anonymous

May 10
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
- Unknown

May 11
"People who self harm shouldn't beat themselves up about it."
- Anonymous

May 12
1

"If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?"
- George Carlin (born George Denis Patrick Carlin, May 12th, 1937 - June 22nd, 2008), an American stand-up comedian and social critic.

2

"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?"
- George Carlin

3

"Drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving."
- George Carlin

4

"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?"
- George Carlin

bonus

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."
- Aristotle - Happy Mother's Day!!

May 13
"Old age is always fifteen years older than you are."
- Anonymous

May 14
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
- Anonymous

May 15
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Actual sign In a Budapest zoo

May 16
"I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now."
- Anonymous

May 17
"He that is of the opinion that money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money."
- Unknown

May 18
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling."
- Unknown

May 19
“If a life of wine, women and song becomes too much, give up singing.”
- Mark Schiess

May 20
"My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day at 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is"
- Unknown

May 21
"The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier."
- Unknown

bonus
"Great Minds think alike." "But Fools seldom differ."
- Unknown

May 22
"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
- George Best (May 22nd,1946 - November 25th, 2005), a professional footballer from Belfast.

May 23
"Share our similarities, celebrate our differences."
- M. Scott Peck (May 23rd, 1936 – September 25th, 2005), an American psychiatrist and author.

May 24
 "Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them"
- Queen Victoria (May 24th 1819 to January 22nd 1901), monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.

May 25
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (May 25th, 1803 - April 27th, 1882), an American essayist.
bonus
"I bought a dictionary and the first thing I looked up was
the word 'dictionary'. It said, 'You're an asshole.'"
- Demetri Martin (May 25th 1973), an American comedian.

May 26
"No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer."
 - John Churchill (May 26th 1650 – June 16th 1722), First Duke of Marlborough.

May 27
1

"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."
- Lee Entrekin
2

“You know those guys who say, "Danger is my middle name?" I bet if you looked on their driver's license, it would probably say "Melvin" or something.”
- Lee Entrekin

May 28
"I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger."
- Unknown

May 29
"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as drink."
- G.K. Chesterton (May 29th 1874 - June 14th 1936), an English writer

May 30
"I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit."
- Unknown

May 31
"I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday."
- Unknown