February 1
 "Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire."
- David Rains Wallace

February 2
I'd like to say a prayer and drink to world peace.
- Bill Murray as Phil Connor

February 3
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
- David Daye

February 4
"(I recommend)… bread, meat, vegetables and beer."
-Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

February 5
"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol."
-Anonymous

February 6
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
- Actual Sign In a Bucharest hotel lobby

February 7
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
- Emo Philips (born February 7, 1956) is an American entertainer and comedian

February 8
"I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass."

- Unknown

February 9
1

"I am a drinker with a writing problem."
- Brendan Behan (February 9th 1923 to  March 20th 1964) , an Irish poet.

2

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan (February 9th 1923 to  March 20th 1964) , an Irish poet.

February 10

"If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs."
- David Daye

February 11
 "Beer he drank - seven goblets. His spirit was loosened.He became hilarious. His heart was glad and his face shown."
- From the Epic of Gilgamesh, 3000 B.C.

February 12
"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
- Abraham Lincoln  (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865), the 16th President of the United States, served from March 1861 until his assassination.

2

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years."
- Abraham Lincoln

February 13
"Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?"

- Unknown

February 14
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan (February 14, 1882 – April 8, 1958) , an American drama critic and editor.

February 14
“The human intellect owes its superiority over that of the lower animals in great measure to the stimulus which alcohol has given imagination.”
-Samuel Butler (February 14th 1613 – September 25th 1680), a poet and satiris.

February 15
"In water one sees one's own face;
But in wine one beholds the heart of another."
-French proverb

February 16
"If a man says something and there is not a woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?"

- Unknown

February 17
"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."
- Al Capone (January 17th 1899 – January 25th 1947), an Italian-American gangster.

Bonus

"I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
- Michael Jordan (February 17th, 1963), an American professional basketball player.

February 18
"Beer has food value, but food has no beer value."
- Anonymous

February 19
 "People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."
 - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

February 20
“Sh*t and Piss here”
- Actual sign Above the bathrooms In a Bejing Airport

February 21
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
 - Unknown

February 22
"If we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class.  There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall in to this vice.  The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and generosity." 
- Abraham Lincoln, address to the Washington Temperance Society, Springfield, Illinois, February 22nd, 1842

February 23
“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
- Tom Bodett ( born Thomas Edward  Bodett,  February 23rd, 1955), an American author.

February 24
1

"Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit."
- Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

2

"If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade."
- Mitch" Hedberg

3

"I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!"
- Mitch Hedberg

4

"An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs.' Sorry for the convenience."
- Mitchell Hedberg

5

"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?"
- Mitchell Hedberg

6

"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."
- Mitch Hedberg

7

"I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!"
- Mitch Hedberg

8

"Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved."
- Mitch Hedberg

10

"I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale."
- Mitch Hedberg

11

"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."
- Mitch Hedberg

12

"I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, 'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were."
- Mitch Hedberg

13

"I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time."
- Mitch Hedberg

14

"My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see."
- Mitch Hedberg

15

"I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'"
- Mitch Hedberg

February 25
1

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy (February 25th1949), an American humorist best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey a novel and SNL Scetch.

2

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy

3

"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?" 
- Jack Handey

February 26
 "Whoever serves beer or wine watered down, he himself deserves in them to drown."
- Medieval plea for pure libations

February 27
“History flows forward on rivers of beer.”
-  Anonymous

February 28
"When life hands you lemons, bust out the tequilla and salt!"
- Anonymous

February 29
"One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer."
-Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing