December  1
“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here, we might as well dance.”
- Unknown

December  2
“Do it today. It could be illegal tomorrow.”
- Unknown

December  3
"Why isn't there a tax on stuff I don't like?"
- Unknown

December  4
“Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us.”
- Unknown

December  5
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
- Actual item On the menu of a Polish hotel

December  6

1
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
- Steven Alexander Wright (December 6th, 1955), an American comedian, actor and writer.
2
"A fool and his money are soon partying."
- Steven Wrightt
3
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
- Steven Wrightt
4
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
- Steven Wright
5
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
- Steven Wright
6
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
- Steven Wright

7
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright
8
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
- Steven Wright
9
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
- Steven Wright
10
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
- Steven Wright
11
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
- Steven Wright
12
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
- Steven Wright
13
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
- Steven Wright
14
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
- Steven Wright
15
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
- Steven Wright
16
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
- Steven Wright
17
"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."
- Steven Wright
18
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
- Steven Wright
19
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
- Steven Wright
20
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"
- Steven Wright
21
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
- Steven Wright
22
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
- Steven Wrigt
23
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
- Steven Wright
 
December  7
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
- Thomas Alan "Tom" Waits (December 7th 1949) an American singer-songwriter.
Bonus
"Sounds like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car."
- Daniel Durchholz (music critic) describing Tom Waits voice.'

December  8
"One martini is all right.  Two are too many, and three are not enough."
- James Thurber (December 8th 1894 – November 2nd 1961), an American author and cartoonist. 

December  9
"Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand."
– Fritz Maytag (December 9th 1937), the former owner of Anchor Brewing Company.

December  10
“Question everything! Or shut up and be a victim of authority.”
- Unknown

December  11
"Sometimes going too far is the only way to go."
- Unknown

December  12
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
- Frank Sinatra (December 12, 1915 - May 14, 1998)

December  13
“Often in life, we forget the things we should remember, and remember the things we should forget.”
- Unknown

December  14
"Scotch... Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine."
- Anonymous

December  15
"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."
- Unknown

December  16
"I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."
Noel Peirce Coward (December 16th, 1899 - March 26th, 1973), an English playwright and entertainer.
bonus
"We could not now take time for further searche or consideration: our victuals being much spente, especially our beere."
- Logbook entry on the Mayflower, December 16, 1620

December  17
“Don’t be afraid of death. Be afraid of a life you didn’t live. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”
- Unknown

December  18
" If, someday, we all go to prison for downloading music; I hope they separate us by genres."
- Unknown 

December  19
"If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.  And try to find somebody who's life is giving them vodka, and have a party." 
- Ron White (December 19th 1956), an American stand up comedian.

December  20
“Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.”
- Unknown
 
December  21
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need beer." - Frank Zappa (December 21st, 1940 – December 4th, 1993), an American musician.

December  22
"Marry an orphan, you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws."
- George Carlin

December  23
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
- Dave Barry

December  24
"A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours."
- John B. Priestly

December  25
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller

December  26
"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth."
- Steve Allen (December 26th 1921 to October 30, 2000), an American Comedian.

December  27
"I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on." 
- Oscar Levant (December 27th 1906 – August 14th 1972), an American pianist and comedian.

December  28
“Never forget yesterday, but always live for today, because you never know what tomorrow can bring, or what it can take away.”
- Unknown
 
December  29
“If I had one wish, it would be to not have a reason to make one.”
- Unknown
 
December  30
“The journey in between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”
- Unknown
 
December  31
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
- Humphrey Bogart