QUOTES...
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other." - Anonymous

"A bar is better than a newspaper for public discussion." -Jim Parker, on the importance of a healthy pub culture

"Let us drink for the replenishment of our strength, not for our sorrow" - Cicero (January 3rd 106 BC to  December 7th 43 BC), a Roman philosopher

"Sometimes too much drink is not enough." - Unknown

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" - Frank Layden, retired American basketball coach

"I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor." - Carl Sandburg

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol." - Unknown

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." - Catherine Zandonella

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” - Unknown

"A mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer." - Ancient Egyptian Wisdom, 2200 B.C

"Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it" - Anonymous

"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". - Joe E. Lewis

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks." - Joe E. Lewis.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" - Brian O'Rourke

"If love makes the world go around, then whisky makes it go around twice as fast!" - Compton Mackenzie

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid" - Richard Braunstein

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.” - Benjamin Franklin

 "I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night" – Benjamin Franklin

"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!" - Dave Attell

"When you're drinking whiskey - you don't know where you're gonna wake up but you know you won't have any pants on" - Dave Attell

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs." - Unknown

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth." -George Burns

"Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of good beer." - Unknown

"Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine." - David Moulton

"I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working." - Dave Barry

“Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer.” - Frederick the Great

"After drinking four Martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether." - Anonymous

"Law of Drunkenness...You can't fall off the floor." - Anonymous

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." - Kaiser Wilhelm

"He was a wise man who invented beer." - Plato

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - W. C. Fields

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - W.C. Fields

"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink." - W.C. Fields

“What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?”  - W.C. Fields

"I never drink water, fish f*ck in it." - W.C. Fields

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." - W. C. Fields

"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it." - W. C. Fields

"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy." - W.C. Fields

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food." - W. C. Fields

"Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds
continue serving the fat people? It's hardly fair." - Unknown

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" - Tee Mans

"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire." - David Rains Wallace

"I'd like to say a prayer and drink to world peace." - Bill Murray as Phil Connor

"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." - David Daye

"[I recommend]… bread, meat, vegetables and beer." - Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol." - Anonymous

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time weregret that you will be unbearable." - Actual Sign In a Bucharest hotel lobby

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." - Emo Philips

"I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass." - Unknown

"I am a drinker with a writing problem."- Brendan Behan

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty." - Brendan Behan

"If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs." - David Daye

"Beer he drank - seven goblets. His spirit was loosened.He became hilarious. His heart was glad and his face shown." - from the Epic of Gilgamesh, 3000 B.C.

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer." - Abraham Lincoln

"And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years." - Abraham Lincoln

"Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?" - Unknown

"I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan

“The human intellect owes its superiority over that of the lower animals in great measure to the stimulus which alcohol has given imagination.” - Samuel Butler

"In water one sees one's own face; But in wine one beholds the heart of another." - French proverb

"If a man says something and there is not a woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?" - Anonymous

"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality." - Al Capone.

"I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

"Beer has food value, but food has no beer value."
- Anonymous

 "People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."
 - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

“Sh*t and Piss here”
- Actual sign Above the bathrooms In a Bejing Airport

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 - Unknown

If we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class.  There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall in to this vice.  The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and generosity. 
- Abraham Lincoln, address to the Washington Temperance Society, Springfield, Illinois, on February 22nd, 1842

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
- Tom Bodett ( born Thomas Edward  Bodett,  February 23rd, 1955), an American author.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.
- Mitch Hedberg

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
- Mitch Hedberg

"I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!"
- Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
- Mitch Hedberg

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
- Mitch Hedberg

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
- Mitch Hedberg

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
- Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
- Mitch Hedberg

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.
- Mitch Hedberg

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
- Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and allof their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
- Jack Handy

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? 
- Jack Handey

 "Whoever serves beer or wine watered down, he himself deserves in them to drown."
- Medieval plea for pure libations

“History flows forward on rivers of beer.”
-  Anonymous

When life hands you lemons, bust out the tequilla and salt!
- Anonymous

"One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer."
-Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

"I never met a pub I didn't like."
-Pete Slosberg, Founder of Pete's Brewing Company, the brewery was discontinued on March 1st, 2011.

If you were to strangle a Smurf, what color would it turn?
- Unknown

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
- Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
 - Unknown

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
- Actual Sign In a Leipzig elevator

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
- Ed McMahon (March 6th 1923 to June 23rd 2009), an American comedian.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
- Anonymous

I may be bad, but I'm good at it.
-  Anonymous

"sex in your eighties is like playing pool with a rope"
- George Burns

A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome".
- Anonymous

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine

 "I think this would be a good time for a beer."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt upon signing the New Deal, paving the way for the repeal of Prohibition on on March 13, 1933.

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.
- Capital Brewery

“Beer…. a high and mighty liquor.”
- Julius Caesar

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman  (March 16, 1906 – February 24, 1998), a British-born American comedian.

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
- Henny Youngman

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle." 
- Henny Youngman

"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill

"The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad."
- G.K. Chesterton

We take your bags and send them in all directions.
- Actual sign In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa

"Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion."
- Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso) (March 20th 43 BC – 17 or 18AD ), a Roman poet.

"Lotta self-help tapes out there.
Got one called 'How to Handle Disappointment.'
I got it home and the box was empty."
- Jonathan Droll
 

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
- Kaiser Wilhelm

March 23
My friend David had his id stolen. So now we just call him Dav.
- Anonymous

If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home”
- Jim Jefferies (February 14th 1977), an Australian stand-up comedian.

"I went to my nephew's birthday party and they had a pinata
of that Shrek donkey. And I thought...you know what would
be awesome is to take down that pinata, take out all that
disgusting candy, and go to the store and instead by real
chicken hearts and intestines, put it in there so that when
the kid hits it and all that shit falls out of it I get to
run up to him and yell, 'Oh my God, what did you do?!'"
- Christina Pazsitsky

Mendacity is a system that we live in. Liquor is one way out an death's the other.
- Tennessee Williams (March 26th 1911 – February 25th 1983), an American writer.

“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.”
- Grey’s Anatomy (television series), premiered on March 27, 2005.

I saw a sign today that made me wet myself. It read - "Toilets out of order"
- Unknown

Draft beer, not people. 
- Author Unknown

"Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested"
- Anonymous

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire department.
- Unknown

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
- Unknown

"A hundred bucks in the bank never felt as good as 20 in my bloodstream"
- Unknown

"They who drink beer will think beer."
 - Washington Irving (April 3rd 1783 – November 28th 1859), an American author

"Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink."
-Whitstran Brewery sign

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
- Robert Bloch

"[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer."
- Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

"You don't have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps."
- Author Unknown

"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan

“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.”
– Francois Rabelais (1494 – April 9th 1553), a French Renaissance writer.

"Enjoy the little things in life, because one day you will look back, and realize they were the big things."
- Unknown

“To win, all you need to do is get up one more time than you fall down.”
— Unknown

"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
- Actual Sign in a In a Belgrade hotel elevator

"there is only one game at the heart of America and that is baseball, and only one beverage to be found sloshing at the depths of our national soul and that is beer."
 -Peter Richmond

"Beer, if drunk with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health"
–Thomas Jefferson

"The sum of the matter is, the people drink because they wish to drink."
- Rudolph Brand

"To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human."
- Anonymous

"How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?" 
- Unknown

"If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker.  If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic."
- Unknown

"I am suffering with CDO.  It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be."
- Unknown

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get."
- Homer Simpson

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."
- Homer Simpson

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
-Homer Simpson

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."
- Homer Simpson

"Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
- Homer Simpson

"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"
- Restroom in The Irish Times, Washington DC

"We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink"
 - Epicurus

"When you're drunk the floor is your best friend...
because it's always there for you."
- Unknown

"I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion"
 -Miguel De Cervantes.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"
- Paul Newman

"He was a wise man who invented beer."
- Plato

"I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety."
- William Shakespeare

"There is more to life than beer alone, but beer makes those other things even better."
 - Stephen Morris

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett

"The drunk mind speaks the sober heart" 
- Unknown

"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
- Anonymous

"Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song."
- Unknown

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
- Anonymous

"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober that one night..."
- Anonymous

"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
- Anonymous

"It's Cinco de Mayo, and If you don't speak Spanish, Cinco de Mayo is Spanish for, 'the mayonnaise is in the sink.'"
- Anonymous

"Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine."
- Karl Marx

"Please leave your values at the front desk."
- Actual sign In a Paris hotel elevator

"I bought my epileptic cousin a strobe light for his birthday...
He'll have a fit when he sees it."
- Anonymous

"I live for experiencing the nights that I can't remember with the people I'll never forget."
- Unknown

"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted."
- Anonymous

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
- Unknown

"People who self harm shouldn't beat themselves up about it."
- Anonymous

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."
- Aristotle

"If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?"
- George Carlin

"If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?"
- George Carlin

"Drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving."
- George Carlin

"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?"
- George Carlin

"Old age is always fifteen years older than you are."
- Anonymous

"We are the people our parents warned us about."
- Anonymous

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Actual sign In a Budapest zoo

"I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now."
- Anonymous

"He that is of the opinion that money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money."
- Unknown

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling."
- Unknown

“If a life of wine, women and song becomes too much, give up singing.”
- Mark Schiess

"My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day at 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is"
- Unknown

"The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier."
- Unknown

"Great Minds think alike." "But Fools seldom differ."
- Unknown

"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
- George Best

"Share our similarities, celebrate our differences."
- M. Scott Peck

 "Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them"
- Queen Victoria

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I bought a dictionary and the first thing I looked up was
the word 'dictionary'. It said, 'You're an asshole.'"
- Demetri Martin

"No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer."
 - John Churchill

"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."
- Lee Entrekin

“You know those guys who say, "Danger is my middle name?" I bet if you looked on their driver's license, it would probably say "Melvin" or something.”
- Lee Entrekin

"I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger."
- Unknown

"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as drink."
- G.K. Chesterton

"I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit."
- Unknown

"I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday."
- Unknown

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
- Unknown

"In Vino Veritas, In Cervesio Felicitas (In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is joy.)"
- Traditional Italian

"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
- Actual Sign In a hotel in Athens

"I don’t believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don’t judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free."
- Angelina Jolie.

“Booze is the greatest of all equalizers. Rich drunks and poor drunks both pass out the same way.”
- Chuck Klosterman

"The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol."
- Mignon McLaughlin

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
- Dean Martin

"Bitten by the brewer's horse."
- Old English slang for being drunk

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
- Anonymous

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself rather than a second-rate version of somebody else.”
- Judy Garland

"It is better to be looked over than overlooked."
- Unknown

"Avoiding the darker alcohols like bourbon, red wine and dark rum might lessen [a hangover] and you might also dance better if you wear a tutu instead of trousers."
- Unknown

"The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully."
- Russian Proverb

"The problem with some people is that when they are not drunk, they’re sober.”
- William Butler Yeats

"This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!"
- Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck

"Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much.  Then again, don't drink too little." 
- Herman "Jackrabbit" Smith-Johannsen

"A father carries pictures where his money used to be."
- Anonymous

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
- Henry Lawson

"All generalizations are false"
- Anonymous

June 19
"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance. "
- Sign seen in a bar

"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'"
- Robin Williams

"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!"
- Unknown

“I’ve learned… that my best friends and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.”
- Unknown

“Summer is kind of like the ultimate one-night stand: hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.”
- Unknown

 "Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."
- Ambrose Bierce

"Brandy, n.  A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan."                               
- Ambrose Bierce

"Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine."
- Unknown

“The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.”
- George Bernard Shaw

"I'm going to buy a boat... do a little traveling, and I'm going to be drinking beer!"
-John Welsh, Brooklyn bus driver who won $30 million in the New York lottery

"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
- Actual Sign in a Tokyo Hotel

“The tans will fade, but the memories will last forever.”
- Unknown

"Bad decisions make good stories"
- Anonymous

“Summer break. Where you drink triple, see double, and act single.”
- Unknown

"Always remember you're unique just like everyone else."
- Anonymous

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
- Dave Barry

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
- Dave Barry

"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer."
- Dave Barry

"The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'"
- Dave Barry, referring to the actor who played the Lone Ranger on radio

"Beer is a wholesome liquor…it abounds with nourishment"
- Dr. Benjamin Rush

"Everything is created from moment to moment, always new. Like fireworks, this universe is a celebration and you are the spectator contemplating the eternal Fourth of July of your absolute splendor."
- Francis Lucille

"One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy."
- George Costanza

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
- George W. Bush

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them."
- George W. Bush

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
- Actual sign In a Yugoslavian hotel

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants"
Alan Whitney Brown (July 8th, 1952), an Emmy Award-winning writer and comedian.
 

"Who does not love beer, wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long."
- Carl Worner

"Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living."
- Jean Kerr

"Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!"
- Amanda Bradley

"How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?"
- Unknown

"Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health."
- Anonymous

"If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?"
- Unknown

"Open your bowels at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it."
- Unknown

“Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back”
- Unknown

“When the sun gets hot and the moon gets hazy, good girls go bad, and it gets crazy!”
- Unknown

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity  to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson

"When the going gets weird, The weird turn pro."
- Hunter S. Thompson

"I've just noticed that one of my testicles is bigger than the other two.  Is this unusual?"
- Unknown

"Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it."
- Unknown

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemingway

"It was a natural as eating and to me as necessary, and I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking beer"
- Ernest Hemingway

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-Ernest Hemingway

"I snuck a bunch of booze into work today, using my stomach."
- Unknown

"I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it."
- Raymond Chandler

"Life isn’t always a fairytale, that’s why you should enjoy the moments when it feels like it is."
- Unknown
 

"Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods."
- Bruce Carlton

July 26
"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink."
- Bumper sticker

"To live in hearts we leave behind, Is not to die."
- Thomas Campbell

 "Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into."
- Don Marquis

“If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?” –
- Tom Snyder

"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey!"
- Barbara Hoffman

"Take life with a grain of salt, a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila."
- Unknown
 

 “Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.”
- Jerry Garcia

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."
- Oprah Winfrey

"I have got a drinking problem. . . . I've got two hands, but only one mouth."
- Unknown

"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck."
- Warwick Franks

"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk."
- John Marcellus Huston

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
- Actual sign In a Japanese hotel

"Enjoy the little things in life, because one day you will look back, and realize they were the big things."
- Unknown 

"It really annoys me when people get 'your' and 'you're' mixed up..."
"...I think there idiots."
- Anonymous

“The only people who truly know your story are the ones that helped you write it.”
- Unknown

"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
- Unknown

"I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver."
- Phil Harris

Drinks are on the house , So someone get a ladder.
- Anonymous

"I Have The Body Of A God."
- Buddha ;)

"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience - except that it is soluble in alcohol."
- Thomas Blackburn

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure”
- Unknown

"It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety." 
- Thomas de Quincy

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
- Unknown

"Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini..."
- Mae West

“Life would be perfect if: some girls had mute buttons, some guys had edit buttons, bad times had fast forward buttons, and good times had pause buttons.”
- Unknown

"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."
- Ogden Nash

"Don't steal. The government hates competition."
- Ron Paul

“You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.”
- Unknown

"One more drink and I'd have been under the host."
- Dorothy Parker

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. In which case you have failed by default."
- Unknown
 

"What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?"
- Unknown

 “You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.”
 - Sean Connery (as James Bond)

"O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!" 
- William Shakespeare

"Learn to appreciate the things you have before time makes you appreciate the things you had."
- Unknown

"The longer the title the less important the job."
- Unknown

"Drinking is never the answer, it is the question. The answer is always yes"
- Unknown

"Never frown because someone could be falling in love with your smile."
- Unknown

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”
- Unknown

“These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you’re gonna miss this.”
- Unknown

“Life is all about ass. You’re either covering it, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it or behaving like one.”
- Unknown

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
- Dave Barry

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
- Drew Carey

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
- Actual sign In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery

"Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working."
- Harold Rudolph

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy

"Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy."
- Unknown

“The grass is only greener on the other side if you’re not afraid to climb the fence.”
- Unknown
 

"Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question."
- Unknown

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
Neale Donald Walsch (September 10th, 1943), an American author

“You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.”
- Unknown
 

"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."
- Charles Dudley Warner

"The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind." 
- H.L. Mencken

"Independent Worker = Nobody knows what he/she does"
- Anonymous

"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you."
- Unknown

"No boy is as good as her father in his daughter's eyes. No father is as good as her boy in his mother's eyes."
- Unknown

"Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
- Unknown

“Bigamy: having one wife too many.
 Monogamy: see Bigamy”
- Anonymous

"No, sir: There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn."
- Samuel Johnson

"This is one of the disadvantages of wine:  it makes a man mistake words for thought." 
- Samuel Johnson

“Drunk words are sober thoughts.”
- Unknown

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
- Unknown
 

"I can't afford to go away on vacation, so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am"
- Unknown

"Never cry over spilt milk.  It could've been whiskey." 
-"Pappy" Maverick, in the Maverick TV show

“When I grow up I want to know that I did all the wrong things, for all the right reasons.”
- Unknown
 

"Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Anonymous

"Worrying won’t keep the bad stuff from happening. It just keeps you from enjoying the good."
- Unknown
 

"An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer."
- Confucius

“Let no man thirst for good beer.”
- Sam Adams

"A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it."
- Unknown

"Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for."
- Unknown
 

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
- Episode of "Cheers", Cliff describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm.

“Liaba bsuffa und lusdig, ois niachdan und bled : I’d rather be drunk and funny than sober and stupid.”
- Bavarian Proverb

"Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector.  It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully."
- Graham Greene

"A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't."
- Unknown

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious”
- Brendan Gill

"I don't think I've ever drunk champagne before breakfast before.  With breakfast on several occasions, but never before before."
- From the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, Released October 5, 1961.

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
- Actual sign In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

"You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."
- Shira Tehrani

"They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst." 
- Scottish Proverb

“I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.”
- Unknown.

"Be yourself; because an original is worth more than a copy."
- Unknown

“Sometimes you have to wake up in order to dream again.”
- Unknown

"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."
- Actual sign In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency

“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.”
- Unknown

"Honk if you love peace and quiet."
- Bumper Sticker

"Beer needs baseball, and baseball needs beer - it has always been thus."
- Peter Richmond

"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
- Oscar Wilde

"The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed."
- Eminem

"The roots and herbes beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengtheneth and quickeneth the sight of the eyes."
- Nicholas Culpeper

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
- Albert Einstein

"Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them."
- Anonymous

"Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there."
- Franklin P. Jones

October 22
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
- Unknown 

A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.
- Czech Proverb

 “A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” 
- Edward Abbey (January 29th, 1927 – March 14th, 1989), an American author and essayist

October 25
"Everything you can imagine is real."
- Pablo Picasso

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
- Unknown

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
- Dylan Thomas

"It is easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song, but the man worth while is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong. For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with years, and the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears."
- Traditional Irish

"In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it."
- Unknown

“I didn’t commit a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
- Unknown

"Don't Worry...Zombies are after brains, You are safe."
- Anonymous

"Don't take anything lying down - even death!"
- Unknown

"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
- Unknown

“A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”
- Dennis Miller

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
- Will Rogers

"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
- Will Rogers

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present."
- Bil Keane (The Family Circus)

"While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart."
- Anonymous

"Celebrate what you want to see more of."
- Thomas J. Peters

"Bad decisions make good stories."
- Unknown

"Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?"
- Anonymous

"We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old."
- Martin Luther

"Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain, With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, Gives genius a better discerning."
- Oliver Goldsmith

"A little bit of beer is divine medicine."
- Paracelsus

 "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
- Unknown

"Wine is bottled poetry."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
- Unknown

"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
- Anonymous

"If God dropped acid would he see people?"
- Unknown

"What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"
- Unknown

"In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it."
- Unknown

"A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body."
- Unknown

"You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up."
- Unknown

“Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.”
- Unknown

"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!'"
Rodney Dangerfield

“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”
Mary Anne Evans

“The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.”
- Unknown
 

"I'm not so think as you drunk I am!"
- John Thomas Squire (November 24th 1962), an English Musician.

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- George Best (22 May 1946 – 25 November 2005) was a professional footballer from Belfast

“I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.”
- Unknown
 

"Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come."
- Unknown
 

"When the hour is nigh me, let me in a tavern die, with tankard by me."
- The Archpoet

"He that buys land buys many stones. He that buys flesh buys many bones. He that buys eggs buys many shells. He that buys good ale buys nothing else."
- John Ray

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”
- Unknown
 

"I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them." - Winston Churchill, Said during a lunch with the Arab leader Ibn Saud, when he heard that the king's religion forbade smoking and alcohol.
- Winston Churchill

 "Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."
- Winston Churchill (to his Secretary of War, 1944)

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
- Winston Churchill

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
- Winston Churchill to Lady Astor

"Sir, you're drunk!"
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Yes, Madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
- Winston Churchill to Lady Astor

"Better belly burst than good liquor be lost."
- Jonathan Swift

"I'd like to learn a new language: Scottish. It's a mixture of English and alcohol. You drink a pint and end each sentence with, 'you bastard!'"
- Sean Meo

“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here, we might as well dance.”
- Unknown
 

“Do it today. It could be illegal tomorrow.”
- Unknown

"Why isn't there a tax on stuff I don't like?"
- Unknown

“Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us.”
- Unknown
 

"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
- Actual item On the menu of a Polish hotel

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
Steven Wright

"A fool and his money are soon partying."
- Steven Wrightt

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
- Steven Wright

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
- Steven Wright

"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
- Steven Wright

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
- Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
- Steven Wright

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
- Steven Wright

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
- Steven Wright

"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
- Steven Wright

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
- Steven Wright

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
- Steven Wright

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
- Steven Wright

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
- Steven Wright

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
- Steven Wright

"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."
- Steven Wright

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
- Steven Wright

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
- Steven Wright

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"
- Steven Wright

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
- Steven Wright

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
- Steven Wrigt

"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
- Steven Wright
 

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
- Tom Waits (December 7th 1949) an American singer-songwriter.

"Sounds like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car."
- Daniel Durchholz (music critic) describing Tom Waits' voice.'

"One martini is all right.  Two are too many, and three are not enough."
- James Thurber

"Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand."
– Fritz Maytag, the former owner of Anchor Brewing Company.

“Question everything! Or shut up and be a victim of authority.”
- Unknown

"Sometimes going too far is the only way to go."
- Unknown

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
- Frank Sinatra

“Often in life, we forget the things we should remember, and remember the things we should forget.”
- Unknown
 

"Scotch... Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine."
- Anonymous

"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."
- Unknown

"I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."
Noel Peirce Coward

"We could not now take time for further searche or consideration: our victuals being much spente, especially our beere."
- Logbook entry on the Mayflower

“Don’t be afraid of death. Be afraid of a life you didn’t live. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”
- Unknown

" If, someday, we all go to prison for downloading music; I hope they separate us by genres."
- Unknown 

"If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.  And try to find somebody who's life is giving them vodka, and have a party." 
- Ron White

“Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.”
- Unknown
 

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need beer." - Frank Zappa.
- Frank Zappa

"Marry an orphan, you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws."
- George Carlin

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
- Dave Barry

"A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours."
- John B. Priestly

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller

"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth."
- Steve Allen

"I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on." 
- Oscar Levant

“Never forget yesterday, but always live for today, because you never know what tomorrow can bring, or what it can take away.”
- Unknown
 

“If I had one wish, it would be to not have a reason to make one.”
- Unknown
 

“The journey in between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”
- Unknown
 

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
- Humphrey Bogart

Stupid political quotes

''Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.''
—Dan Quayle

''The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.''
—Dan Quayle

''The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes. And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it's going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.''
—Senate Commerce Committee Chairman Ted Steven (R-AK), explaining the workings of the Internet during a debate on net neutrality

''My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.''
—Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga.) expressing concern during a congressional hearing that the presence of a large number of American soldiers might upend the island of Guam

''We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we've had one under Obama.''
—Rudy Giuliani, Mr. 9/11, forgetting 9/11, Jan. 8, 2010

''We did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush's term.''
—former White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, forgetting 9/11, Nov. 24, 2009

''Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya.''
—Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008

''Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well.''
—FEMA Director Michael Brown, in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Sept. 1, 2005

''We know there are known knowns: there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns: that is to say we know there are things we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know.''
—Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Defense Department briefing, Fe. 12, 2002

''Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.''
—former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, 2003

''You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that.''
—President George W. Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

''I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.''
—Dan Quayle

''I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change.''
—Dan Quayle

''For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks.''
—President George H.W. Bush, in 1988

''You cannot be president of the United States if you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for -- don't cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care.''
— President George H.W. Bush, speaking to employees of an insurance company during the 1992 New Hampshire primary

''Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.''
—Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

''What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?''
—Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

''I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.''
—Dan Quayle

''Bitch set me up.''
—Washington Mayor Marion Barry in 1990, after the FBI stormed a hotel suite where he was smoking crack with a girlfriend-turned-informant

''I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.''
—Dan Quayle

''When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.''
—Richard Nixon, in a 1977 interview with David Frost

''A zebra does not change its spots.''
—Al Gore

''Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.''
—President Gerald Ford

''I've now been in 57 states -- I think one left to go.''
—Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon, May 9, 2008

''You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking.''
—Joe Biden, in a private remark to an Indian-American man caught on C-SPAN, June, 2006

Quotes

January 1
"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other."
- Anonymous

January 2
"A bar is better than a newspaper for public discussion."
-Jim Parker, on the importance of a healthy pub culture

January 3
"Let us drink for the replenishment of our strength, not for our sorrow"
 - Cicero (January 3rd 106 BC to  December 7th 43 BC), a Roman philosopher

January 4
"Sometimes too much drink is not enough."
- Unknown

January 5
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Frank Layden, (January 05, 1932). a retired American basketball coach and Utah Jazz president, on a former player. 

January 6
"I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor."
- Carl Sandburg (January 6th 1878 – July 22nd 1967), an American writer.

January 7
"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol."
- Unknown

January 8
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
- Catherine Zandonella

January 9
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
- Unknown

January 10
"A mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer."
--Ancient Egyptian Wisdom, 2200 B.C

January 11
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
   -- Anonymous

January 12
"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty".
- Joe Lewis, born Joseph Klewan (January 12th 1902 to June 4th 1971), an American comedian and singer.

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
- Joe E. Lewis.

January 13
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

January 14
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
- Humphrey Bogart
Humphrey DeForest Bogart (December 25th, 1899 – January 14th, 1957) an American actor

January 15
 "If love makes the world go around, then whisky makes it go around twice as fast!"
- Compton Mackenzie (1883–1972), a Scottish nationalist.

January 16
The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.
- Richard Braunstein

January 17
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin (January 17th 1706 to April 17th 1790), a Founding Fathers of the USA.

"There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”
-Benjamin Franklin

 "I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night"
 –Benjamin Franklin

January 18
"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I
call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes,
you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!"
- Dave Attell (born January 18, 1965) is an American stand-up comedian

When you're drinking whiskey - you don't know where you're gonna wake up but you know you won't have any pants on
- Dave Attell

January 19
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

January 20
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns, born Nathan Birnbaum (January 20th 1896 – March 9th 1996), was an American comedian, actor, and writer.

 January 21
"Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of good beer."
- Unknown

January 22
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton

January 23
I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to
celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism
or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.
-- Dave Barry

January 24
 “Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer.”
- Frederick the Great (January 24th 1712 to  August 17th 1786), was King of Prussia

January 25
"After drinking four Martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether."
- Anonymous

January 26
Law of Drunkenness...You can't fall off the floor.
-Anonymous

January 27
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
- Kaiser Wilhelm
Wilhelm II (German: Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albrecht von Preußen (27 January 1859 – 4 June 1941) was the last German Emperor (Kaiser) and King of Prussia, ruling the German Empire and the Kingdom of Prussia from 15 June 1888 to 9 November 1918

January 28

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

January 29

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W. C. Fields born William Claude Dukenfield (January 29, 1880] – December 25, 1946), an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
- W.C. Fields

"Everybody has to believe in something.....I believe I'll have another drink."
- W.C. Fields

“What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?”
- W.C. Fields

I never drink water, fish f*ck in it.
- W.C. Fields

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
- W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
- W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. 
- W.C. Fields

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
- W. C. Fields

January 30
Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds
continue serving the fat people? It's hardly fair.
- Unknown

January 31
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-Tee Mans

February 1
 "Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire."
- David Rains Wallace

February 2
I'd like to say a prayer and drink to world peace.
- Bill Murray as Phil Connor

February 3
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
- David Daye

February 4
"[I recommend]… bread, meat, vegetables and beer."
-Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

February 5
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

February 6
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time weregret that you will be unbearable.
- Actual Sign In a Bucharest hotel lobby

February 7
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
Emo Philips (born February 7, 1956) is an American entertainer and comedian

February 8
I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

February 9
"I am a drinker with a writing problem."
- Brendan Behan (February 9th 1923 to  March 20th 1964) , an Irish poet.

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan (February 9th 1923 to  March 20th 1964) , an Irish poet.

February 10

"If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs."
- David Daye

February 11
 "Beer he drank - seven goblets. His spirit was loosened.He became hilarious. His heart was glad and his face shown."
 - from the Epic of Gilgamesh, 3000 B.C.

February 12
I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.
- Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln  pronunciation (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865), the 16th President of the United States, served from March 1861 until his assassination.

 And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

February 13
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

February 14
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan (February 14, 1882 – April 8, 1958) ,an American drama critic and editor.

February 14
“The human intellect owes its superiority over that of the lower animals in great measure to the stimulus which alcohol has given imagination.”
-Samuel Butler (February 14th 1613 – September 25th 1680) was a poet and satiris.

February 15
In water one sees one's own face;
But in wine one beholds the heart of another.
--French proverb

February 16
"If a man says something and there is not a woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?"

February 17
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
- Al Capone (January 17th 1899 – January 25th 1947), an Italian-American gangster.

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
- Michael Jordan (February 17th, 1963), an American professional basketball player.

February 18
"Beer has food value, but food has no beer value."
- Anonymous

February 19
 "People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot."
 - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

February 20
“Sh*t and Piss here”
- Actual sign Above the bathrooms In a Bejing Airport

February 21
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 - Unknown

February 22
If we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class.  There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall in to this vice.  The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and generosity. 
- Abraham Lincoln, address to the Washington Temperance Society, Springfield, Illinois, February 22nd, 1842

February 23
“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”
- Tom Bodett ( born Thomas Edward  Bodett,  February 23rd, 1955), an American author.

February 24
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

"I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!"
Author: Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)[2] was an American stand-up comedian

February 25
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy (February 25th1949), an American humorist best known for his Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey a novel and SNL Scetch.

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
-Deep Thought, Jack Handy

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? 
- Jack Handey

February 26
 "Whoever serves beer or wine watered down, he himself deserves in them to drown."
- Medieval plea for pure libations

February 27
“History flows forward on rivers of beer.”
-  Anonymous

February 28
When life hands you lemons, bust out the tequilla and salt!
- Anonymous

February 29
"One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn't live like the previous generation. It hasn't yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer."
-Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing

March 1
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

"I never met a pub I didn't like."
-Pete Slosberg, Founder of Pete's Brewing Company, the brewery was discontinued on March 1st, 2011.

March 2
If you were to strangle a Smurf, what color would it turn?

March 3
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

March 4
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
 - Unknown

March 5
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
- Actual Sign In a Leipzig elevator

March 6
God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
- Ed McMahon (March 6th 1923 to June 23rd 2009), an American comedian.

March 7
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
- Anonymous

March 8
I may be bad, but I'm good at it.
-  Anonymous

March 9
"sex in your eighties is like playing pool with a rope"
- George Burns
George Burns (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), born Nathan Birnbaum, was an American comedian, actor, and writer.

March 10
A good friend would bail you out of jail, but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, "damn that was awesome".
- Anonymous

March 11
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

March 12
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine

March 13
 "I think this would be a good time for a beer."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt upon signing the New Deal, paving the way for the repeal of Prohibition on on March 13, 1933.

March 14
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.
--Capital Brewery
Capital Brewery is a brewery located in Middleton, Wisconsin. Founded on March 14, 1984, by Madison, Wisconsin entrepreneur Ed Janus

March 15
“Beer…. a high and mighty liquor.”
- Julius Caesar (July 100 BC – March 15th 44 BC), a Roman general and statesman

March 16
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman  (March 16, 1906 – February 24, 1998), a British-born American comedian.

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
- Henny Youngman

"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle." 
- Henny Youngman

March 17
"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill

"The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad."
- G.K. Chesterton

March 18
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
- Actual sign In a Copenhagen airline ticket office

March 19
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

March 20
"Wine gives courage and makes men more apt for passion."
- Ovid (Publius Ovidius Naso) (March 20th 43 BC – 17 or 18AD ), a Roman poet.

March 21
"Lotta self-help tapes out there.
Got one called 'How to Handle Disappointment.'
I got it home and the box was empty."
- Jonathan Droll
 
March 22
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm

March 23
My friend David had his id stolen. So now we just call him Dav.
- Anonymous

March 24
If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home”
- Jim Jefferies (February 14th 1977), an Australian stand-up comedian.

March 25
"I went to my nephew's birthday party and they had a pinata
of that Shrek donkey. And I thought...you know what would
be awesome is to take down that pinata, take out all that
disgusting candy, and go to the store and instead by real
chicken hearts and intestines, put it in there so that when
the kid hits it and all that shit falls out of it I get to
run up to him and yell, 'Oh my God, what did you do?!'"
- Christina Pazsitsky

March 26
Mendacity is a system that we live in. Liquor is one way out an death's the other.
- Tennessee Williams (March 26th 1911 – February 25th 1983), an American writer.

March 27
“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.”
- Grey’s Anatomy (television series), premiered on March 27, 2005.

March 28
I saw a sign today that made me wet myself. It read - "Toilets out of order"
- Unknown

March 29
Draft beer, not people. 
- Author Unknown

March 30
"Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested"
- Anonymous

March 31
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire department.
- Unknown

April 1
"Bitches aint Shit"
Mahatma Gandhi (October 2nd 1869  – January 30th 1948), Political and ideological leader of India.

April 2
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
- Unknown

- Alternative -
"A hundred bucks in the bank never felt as good as 20 in my bloodstream"
- Unknown

April 3
"They who drink beer will think beer."
 - Washington Irving (April 3rd 1783 – November 28th 1859), an American author

April 4
 "Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink."
-Whitstran Brewery sign

April 5
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Robert Albert Bloch (April 5, 1917 – September 23, 1994) was a prolific American writer, primarily of crime, horror and science fiction

April 6
 [I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer.
- Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet
Sophocles (c. 49July 6 BC – winter 40June 5 BC) is one of three ancient Greek tragedians whose plays have survived

April 7
You don't have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps. 
- Author Unknown

April 8
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan
George Jean Nathan (February 14, 1882 – April 8, 1958) was an American drama critic and editor.

April 9
“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.”
– Francois Rabelais (1494 – April 9th 1553), a French Renaissance writer.

April 10
Enjoy the little things in life, because one day you will look back, and realize they were the big things.
- Unknown

April 11
“To win, all you need to do is get up one more time than you fall down.”
— Unknown

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
- Actual Sign in a In a Belgrade hotel elevator

April 12
 "there is only one game at the heart of America and that is baseball, and only one beverage to be found sloshing at the depths of our national soul and that is beer."
 -Peter Richmond

April 13
"Beer, if drunk with moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health"
–Thomas Jefferson (April 13th 1743 to  July 4th 1826), an American Founding Father.

April 14
"The sum of the matter is, the people drink because they wish to drink."
- Rudolph Brand

April 15
"To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human."
- Anonymous

April 16
"How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?" 
- Unknown

April 17
"If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker.  If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic."
- Unknown

April 18
"I am suffering with CDO.  It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be."
- Unknown

April 19
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get."
- Homer Simpson, a fictional main character in the animated television series The Simpsons voiced by Dan Castellaneta. Homer first appeared on television, along with the rest of his family, on The Tracey Ullman Show short "Good Night" on April 19, 1987.  The Simpson family got their own series on Fox that debuted December 17, 1989

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
- Homer Simpson

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
-Homer Simpson

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."
- Homer Simpson

"Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
- Homer Simpson

April 20
"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"
- Restroom in The Irish Times, Washington DC

April 21
"We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink"
 - Epicurus (341 BC – 270 BC) an ancient Greek philosopher.

April 22
"When you're drunk the floor is your best friend...
because it's always there for you."
- Unknown

April 23
"I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion"
 -Miguel De Cervantes (1548 to April 23rd 1616), a Spanish novelist.

April 24
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"
- Paul Newman - HAPPY NEWMAN DAY! (most areas besides Bates College)

April 25
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
- Plato (424 or 423 BC to  348 or 347 BC), a Classical Greek philosopher.

April 26
"I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety."
- Shakespeare in Henry V,  William Shakespeare (baptised April 26th, 1564 - April 23rd, 1616), an English poet and playwright, acclaimed greatest writer in the English language.

April 27
"There is more to life than beer alone, but beer makes those other things even better."
 - Stephen Morris

April 28
"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life."
Terry Pratchett (born Terence David John "Terry" Pratchett - April 28th, 1948).an English fantasy novelist.

April 29
"The drunk mind speaks the sober heart" 
- Unknown

April 30
"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
- Anonymous

May 1
"Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song."
- Unknown

May 2
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
- Anonymous

May 3
"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober that one night..."
- Anonymous

May 4
"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
- Anonymous

May 5
"It's Cinco de Mayo, and If you don't speak Spanish, Cinco de Mayo is Spanish for, 'the mayonnaise is in the sink.'"
- Anonymous
-Alternative-
Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.
- Karl Marx (May 5th 1818 to March 14th 1883), a German philosopher.

May 6
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
- Actual sign In a Paris hotel elevator

May 7
"I bought my epileptic cousin a strobe light for his birthday...
He'll have a fit when he sees it."
- Anonymous

May 8
"I live for experiencing the nights that I can't remember with the people I'll never forget."
- Unknown

May 9
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted."
- Anonymous

May 10
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
- Unknown

May 11
"People who self harm shouldn't beat themselves up about it."
- Anonymous

May 12
"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."
- Aristotle - Happy Mother's Day!!

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- George Carlin (born George Denis Patrick Carlin, May 12th, 1937 - June 22nd, 2008), an American stand-up comedian and social critic.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- George Carlin

Drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving.
- George Carlin

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- George Carlin

May 13
"Old age is always fifteen years older than you are."
- Anonymous

May 14
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
- Anonymous

May 15
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Actual sign In a Budapest zoo

May 16
"I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now."
- Anonymous

May 17
"He that is of the opinion that money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money."
- Unknown

May 18
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling."
- Unknown

May 19
“If a life of wine, women and song becomes too much, give up singing.”
- Mark Schiess

May 20
"My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day at 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is"
- Unknown

May 21
"The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier."
- Unknown

- Alternative -
"Great Minds think alike." "But Fools seldom differ."
- Unknown

May 22
"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
- George Best (May 22nd,1946 - November 25th, 2005), a professional footballer from Belfast.

May 23
"Share our similarities, celebrate our differences."
- M. Scott Peck (May 23rd, 1936 – September 25th, 2005), an American psychiatrist and author.

May 24
 "Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them"
- Queen Victoria (May 24th 1819 to January 22nd 1901), monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.

May 25
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson (May 25th, 1803 - April 27th, 1882), an American essayist.
- Alternative -
"I bought a dictionary and the first thing I looked up was
the word 'dictionary'. It said, 'You're an asshole.'"
- Demetri Martin (May 25th 1973), an American comedian.

May 26
"No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer."
 - John Churchill (May 26th 1650 – June 16th 1722), First Duke of Marlborough.

May 27
"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk."
- Lee Entrekin
“You know those guys who say, "Danger is my middle name?" I bet if you looked on their driver's license, it would probably say "Melvin" or something.”
- Lee Entrekin

May 28
"I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger."
- Unknown

May 29
"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as drink."
- G.K. Chesterton (May 29th 1874 - June 14th 1936), an English writer

May 30
"I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit."
- Unknown

May 31
"I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday."
- Unknown

June 1
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
- Unknown

June 2
"In Vino Veritas, In Cervesio Felicitas (In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is joy.)"
- In celebration of Republic Day - Festa della Repubblica Birth of the Italian Republic (June 2nd, 1946).

June 3
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
- Actual Sign In a hotel in Athens

June 4
"I don’t believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don’t judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free."
- Angelina Jolie (born Angelina Jolie Voight, June 4th, 1975), an American actress.

June 5
“Booze is the greatest of all equalizers. Rich drunks and poor drunks both pass out the same way.”
- Chuck Klosterman (June 5, 1972), an American author.

June 6
"The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol."
- Mignon McLaughlin (June 6th 1913 - December 20th 1983), an American journalist and author. Quot from "The Neurotic's Notebook" (1960).

June 7
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
- Dean Martin (June 7, 1917 – December 25, 1995), born Dino Paul Crocetti, an American singer and actor.

June 8
"Bitten by the brewer's horse."
- Old English slang for being drunk

June 9
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
- Anonymous

June 10
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself rather than a second-rate version of somebody else.”
- Judy Garland (June 10th, 1922 – June 22nd, 1969), an American actress

June 11
"It is better to be looked over than overlooked."
- Unknown

- Alternative -
"Avoiding the darker alcohols like bourbon, red wine and dark rum might lessen [a hangover] and you might also dance better if you wear a tutu instead of trousers."
- Unknown

June 12
"The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully."
- Russian Proverb. In celebration of Russia Day, a holiday somewhat similar to independence day, celebrated on June 12th.

June 13
"The problem with some people is that when they are not drunk, they’re sober.”
- William Butler Yeats (June 13th 1865 to January 28th 1939), an Irish poet and playwright.

June 14
"This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!"
- Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Friar Tuck (Release date June 14, 1991)

June 15
"Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much.  Then again, don't drink too little." 
- Herman "Jackrabbit" Smith-Johannsen (June 15th 1875 – January 5th 1987), a Norwegian-Canadian supercentenarian

June 16
"A father carries pictures where his money used to be."
- Anonymous - Happy Father's Day!

June 17
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
--Henry Lawson (June 17th 1867 to September 2nd 1922), an Australian writer/poet.

June 18
"All generalizations are false"
- Anonymous

June 19
"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance. "
- Sign seen in a bar

June 20
"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'"
- Robin Williams

June 21
"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!"
- Unknown

June 22
“I’ve learned… that my best friends and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.”
- Unknown

 June 23
“Summer is kind of like the ultimate one-night stand: hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.”
- Unknown

June 24
 "Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure."
- Ambrose Bierce (June 24th 1842 to after December 26, 1913), an American editorialist.
Brandy, n.  A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. 
- Ambrose Bierce

June 25
"Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine."
- Unknown

June 26
“The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.”
- George Bernard Shaw July 26th 1856 – November 2nd 1950), an Irish playwright.

June 27
"I'm going to buy a boat... do a little traveling, and I'm going to be drinking beer!"
-John Welsh, Brooklyn bus driver who won $30 million in the New York lottery

June 28
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
- Actual Sign in a Tokyo Hotel

June 29
“The tans will fade, but the memories will last forever.”
- Unknown

June 30
"Bad decisions make good stories"
- Anonymous

July 1
“Summer break. Where you drink triple, see double, and act single.”
- Unknown

July 2
"Always remember you're unique just like everyone else."
- Anonymous

July 3
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
- David "Dave" Barry (July 3rd, 1947), a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
--Dave Barry
"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer."
 -Dave Barry
 "The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'"
-Dave Barry, referring to the actor who played the Lone Ranger on radio

July 4
"Beer is a wholesome liquor…it abounds with nourishment"
- Dr. Benjamin Rush (January 4th, 1746 to  April 19th 1813), a Founding Father of the USA.
- Alternative -
"Everything is created from moment to moment, always new. Like fireworks, this universe is a celebration and you are the spectator contemplating the eternal Fourth of July of your absolute splendor."
- Francis Lucille (1944 in France), a spiritual teacher and author.

July 5
"one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy."
- George Costanza (Looking Impatient and Annoyed) on the TV show seinfeld (originally aired on NBC from July 5th 1989, to May 14th 1998).

July 6
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
- George Walker Bush (born July 6, 1946, New Haven, Conn., U.S.) was the 43rd President of the United States, serving from 2001 to 2009
2
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Walker Bush

July 7
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
- Actual sign In a Yugoslavian hotel

July 8
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants"
Alan Whitney Brown (July 8th, 1952), an Emmy Award-winning writer and comedian.
 
July 9
"Who does not love beer, wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long."
- Carl Worner

July 10
"Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living."
- Jean Kerr (July 10th 1922 to January 5th 2003), an American author.

July 11
"Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!"
- Amanda Bradley

July 12
"How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?"
- Unknown

July 13
"Oh, lager beer! It makes good cheer, And proves the poor man's worth; It cools the body through and through, and regulates the health."
- Anonymous

July 14
"If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?"
- Unknown

July 15
"Open your bowels at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it."
- Unknown

July 16
“Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back”
- Unknown

July 17
“When the sun gets hot and the moon gets hazy, good girls go bad, and it gets crazy!”
- Unknown

July 18
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity  to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson  (July 18th 1937 – February 20th 2005) was an American journalist and author.

When the going gets weird, The weird turn pro.
- Hunter S. Thompson

July 19
"I've just noticed that one of my testicles is bigger than the other two.  Is this unusual?"
- Unknown

July 20
"Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it."
- Unknown

July 21
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemingway (July 21st, 1899 - July 2nd, 1961), an American author and journalist.
2
"It was a natural as eating and to me as necessary, and I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking beer"
- Ernest Hemingway
3
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-Ernest Hemingway

July 22
"I snuck a bunch of booze into work today, using my stomach."
- Unknown

July 23
"I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it."
- Raymond Chandler (July 23rd 1888 – March 26th 1959), an American novelist and screenwriter.

July 24
"Life isn’t always a fairytale, that’s why you should enjoy the moments when it feels like it is."
- Unknown
 
July 25
"Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods."
- Bruce Carlton

July 26
"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink."
- Bumper sticker

July 27
"To live in hearts we leave behind, Is not to die."
- Thomas Campbell (July 27th 1777 – June 15th 1844), a Scottish poet.

July 28
 "Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into."
- Don Marquis (July 28th 1878 to June 16th 1937),  an American humorist.

July 29
“If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?” –
- Thomas James "Tom" Snyder (May 12th, 1936 – July 29th, 2007), an American television personality.

July 30
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey!"
- Barbara Hoffman

July 31
"Take life with a grain of salt, a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila."
- Unknown
 
August 1
 “Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.”
- Jerry Garcia (August 1st, 1942 – August 9th, 1995), an American musician with the band the Grateful Dead.

August 2
"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."
- Oprah Winfrey (January 29th, 1954), an American philanthropist and talk show host.

August 3
"I have got a drinking problem. . . . I've got two hands, but only one mouth."
- Unknown

August 4
"The easiest way to spot a wanker in a pub is to look around and find who's drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck."
- Warwick Franks

August 5
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk."
- John Marcellus Huston (August 5th 1906 – August 28th 1987), an American director.

August 6
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
- Actual sign In a Japanese hotel

August 7
"Enjoy the little things in life, because one day you will look back, and realize they were the big things."
- Unknown 

August 8
"It really annoys me when people get 'your' and 'you're' mixed up..."
"...I think there idiots."
- Anonymous

August 9
“The only people who truly know your story are the ones that helped you write it.”
- Unknown

August 10
"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
- Unknown

August 11
"I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver."
- Phil Harris (June 24th 1904 – August 11th 1995), an American singer/songwriter.

August 12
Drinks are on the house , So someone get a ladder.
- Anonymous

- Alternative -

"I Have The Body Of A God."
- Buddha.

August 13
"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience - except that it is soluble in alcohol."
- Thomas Blackburn (February 1916 to  August 13th 1977), a British poet.

August 14
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure”
- Unknown

August 15
"It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety." 
- Thomas de Quincy (August 15th 1785 – December 8th 1859),an English esssayist, Quote from Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, 1856.

August 16
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."
- Unknown

August 17
"Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini..."
- Mae West (August 17th 1893 to  November 22nd 1980), an American actress.

August 18
“Life would be perfect if: some girls had mute buttons, some guys had edit buttons, bad times had fast forward buttons, and good times had pause buttons.”
- Unknown

August 19
"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."
- (Frederic) Ogden Nash (August 19th 1902 – May 19, 1971), an American poet.

August 20
"Don't steal. The government hates competition."
- Sign on Ron Paul's desk. Ronald Ernest "Ron" Paul (August 20th, 1935) is a U.S. polititcian.

August 21
“You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.”
- Unknown

August 22
"One more drink and I'd have been under the host."
- Dorothy Parker (August 22nd 1893 – June 7th 1967), an American poet,

August 23
"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. In which case you have failed by default."
- Unknown
 
August 24
"What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?"
- Unknown

August 25
 “You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.”
 - On label of Founder's Breakfast Stout. By Sean Connery (as James Bond) ( August 25th 1930), a Scottish actor

August 26
"O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!" 
- William Shakespeare (baptised April 26th1564 - April 23rd 1616), an English poet and playwright.

August 27
"Learn to appreciate the things you have before time makes you appreciate the things you had."
- Unknown

August 28
"The longer the title the less important the job."
- Unknown

- Alternative -

"Drinking is never the answer, it is the question. The answer is always yes"
- Unknown

August 29
"Never frown because someone could be falling in love with your smile."
- Unknown

August 30
“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”
- Unknown

August 31
“These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you’re gonna miss this.”
- Unknown

September 1
“Life is all about ass. You’re either covering it, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it or behaving like one.”
- Unknown

September 2
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
- Dave Barry

September 3
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
  - Drew Carey - In celebration of Labor day (2012)

September 4
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
- Actual sign In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery

September 5
"Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working."
- Harold Rudolph

September 6
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy (September 6th, 1958), an American comedian.

September 7
"Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy."
- Unknown

September 8
“The grass is only greener on the other side if you’re not afraid to climb the fence.”
- Unknown
 
September 9
"Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question."
- Unknown

September 10
"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
Neale Donald Walsch (September 10th, 1943), an American author

September 11
“You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.”
- Unknown
 
September 12
"Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it."
Charles Dudley Warner (September 12th, 1829 - October 20th, 1900), an American essayist and novelist.
- Alternative -
"The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind." 
- H.L. Mencken(September 12th 1880 – January 29th 1956), an American journalist and satirist. Quote from  Prejudices, Fourth Series (1924).

September 13
"Independent Worker = Nobody knows what he/she does"
- Anonymous

September 14
"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you."
- Unknown

September 15
"No boy is as good as her father in his daughter's eyes. No father is as good as her boy in his mother's eyes."
- Unknown

September 16
"Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
- Unknown

September 17
“Bigamy: having one wife too many.
Monogamy: see Bigamy”
- Anonymous

September 18
"No, sir: There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn."
- Samuel Johnson (September 18th 1709  – December 13th 1784),  an English author.
2
"This is one of the disadvantages of wine:  it makes a man mistake words for thought." 
- Samuel Johnson

September 19
“Drunk words are sober thoughts.”
- Unknown

September 20
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
- Unknown
 
September 21
"I can't afford to go away on vacation, so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am"
- Unknown

September 22
"Never cry over spilt milk.  It could've been whiskey." 
-"Pappy" Maverick, in Maverick, a TV show that ran from September 22, 1957 to July 8, 1962 on ABC. 

September 23
“When I grow up I want to know that I did all the wrong things, for all the right reasons.”
- Unknown
 
September 24
"Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Anonymous

September 25
"Worrying won’t keep the bad stuff from happening. It just keeps you from enjoying the good."
- Unknown
 
September 26
"An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer."
- Confucius

September 27
“Let no man thirst for good beer.”
- Sam Adams (September 27th 1722 – October 2nd 1803), an American statesman.

September 28
"A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it."
- Unknown

September 29
"Just because it’s not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean it’s not everything you’ve been waiting for."
- Unknown
 
September 30
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
- Episode of "Cheers", Cliff describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm. Cheers was on  NBC from September 30, 1982 - May 20, 1993.

October 1
“Liaba bsuffa und lusdig, ois niachdan und bled : I’d rather be drunk and funny than sober and stupid.”
- Bavarian Proverb

October 2
"Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector.  It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully."
- Graham Greene (October 2nd 1904 – April 3rd 1991), an English author and literary critic.

October 3
"A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't."
- Unknown

October 4
“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious”
- Brendan Gill (October 4th, 1914 - December 27th, 1997), writer for The New Yorker

October 5
"I don't think I've ever drunk champagne before breakfast before.  With breakfast on several occasions, but never before before."
- From the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, Released October 5, 1961.

October 6
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
- Actual sign In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers

October 7
"You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."
- Shira Tehrani

October 8
"They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst." 
- Scottish Proverb

October 9
“I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.”
- Unknown.

October 10
"Be yourself; because an original is worth more than a copy."
- Unknown

October 11
“Sometimes you have to wake up in order to dream again.”
- Unknown

October 12
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."
- Actual sign In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency

October 13
“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.”
- Unknown

October 14
"Honk if you love peace and quiet."
- Bumper Sticker

October 15
"Beer needs baseball, and baseball needs beer - it has always been thus."
- Peter Richmond

October 16
"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
- Oscar Wilde (born Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde - October 16th 1854 – November 30th 1900), an Irish writer and poet.

 
October 17
"The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed."
Eminem (born Marshall Bruce Mathers III, October 17, 1972), an American rapper.

October 18
"The roots and herbes beaten and put into new ale or beer and daily drunk, cleareth, strengtheneth and quickeneth the sight of the eyes."
- Nicholas Culpeper (October 18th 1616 – January 10th 1654), an English botanist.

October 19
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
- Albert Einstein

October 20
"Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them."
- Anonymous

October 21
"Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there."
- Franklin P. Jones

October 22
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
- Unknown 

October 23
A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.
- Czech Proverb  - Happy Independent Czechoslovak State Day!

October 24
 “A drink a day keeps the shrink away.” 
- Edward Abbey (January 29th, 1927 – March 14th, 1989), an American author and essayist

October 25
"Everything you can imagine is real."
- Pablo Picasso (October 25th 1881 -April 8th, 1973), a Spanish painter.

October 26
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
- Unknown

October 27
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
- Dylan Thomas (born Dylan Marlais Thomas - October 27th, 1914 - November 9th, 1953), a Welsh poet and writer

October 28
"It is easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song, but the man worth while is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong. For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with years, and the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears."
- Traditional Irish

October 29
"In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it."
- Unknown

October 30
“I didn’t commit a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
- Unknown

October 31
"Don't Worry...Zombies are after brains, You are safe."
- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

November 1
"Don't take anything lying down - even death!"
- HAPPY DIA DE LOS MUERTOS!

November 2
"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
- Unknown

November 3
“A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”
- Dennis Miller (November 3rd, 1953), an American stand-up comedian.

November 4
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."
- Will Rogers ( born William Penn Adair Rogers, November 4, 1879 – August 15, 1935),an American cowboy and comedian.
2
"Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
- Will Rogers

November 5
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present."
- Bil Keane (born William Aloysius Keane, October 5th, 1922 - November 8th, 2011), an American cartoonist known for 'The Family Circus'

November 6
"While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart."
- Anonymous

November 7
"Celebrate what you want to see more of."
- Thomas J. Peters (November 7th, 1942), an American writer.

November 8
"Bad decisions make good stories."
- Unknown

November 9
"Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?"
- Anonymous

November 10
"We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old."
- Martin Luther (November 10th 1483 – February 18th 1546), a German priest.
- Alternative -
"Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain, With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, Gives genius a better discerning."
- Oliver Goldsmith (November 10th 1730 – April 4th 1774), Anglo-Irish writer and poet.

November 11
"A little bit of beer is divine medicine."
- Paracelsus (November 11th or December 17th 1493 to September 24th 1541) Greek physician.

November 12

 "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
- Unknown

November 13
"Wine is bottled poetry."
- Robert Louis Stevenson (November 13th 1850 to December 3rd 1894) a Scottish novelist.

November 14
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
- Unknown

November 15
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
- Anonymous

November 16
"If God dropped acid would he see people?"
- Unknown, Referring to LSD (first synthesized on November 16, 1938).

November 17
"What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"
- Unknown

November 18
"In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it."
- Unknown

November 19
"A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body."
- Unknown

November 20
"You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching kids to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up."
- Unknown - HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY!

November 21
“Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.”
- Unknown

November 22
"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!'"
Rodney Dangerfield, born Jacob Cohen, (November 22nd 1921 – October 5th 2004), an American comedian.
- Alternative -
“It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”
Mary Anne Evans (November 22nd, 1819 - December 22nd, 1880) under the pen name George Eliot, an English novelist

November 23

“The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.”
- Unknown
 
 November 24
"I'm not so think as you drunk I am!"
- John Thomas Squire (November 24th 1962), an English Musician.

November 25
"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- George Best (22 May 1946 – 25 November 2005) was a professional footballer from Belfast

November 26
“I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.”
- Unknown
 
November 27
"Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come."
- Unknown
 
November 28
"When the hour is nigh me, let me in a tavern die, with tankard by me."
- ArchpoetThe Archpoet (1130 - 1165),or Archipoeta (in Latin and German), name given to a 12th century anonymous author of ten poems from medieval Latin literature. Quote from Confession

- Alternative -
"He that buys land buys many stones. He that buys flesh buys many bones. He that buys eggs buys many shells. He that buys good ale buys nothing else."
-- John Ray ( November 29th, 1627- January 17th, 1705) an English naturalist.

November 29
“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”
- Unknown
 
November 30
"I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them." - Winston Churchill, Said during a lunch with the Arab leader Ibn Saud, when he heard that the king's religion forbade smoking and alcohol.
Winston Churchill (November 30th, 1874 - January 24th, 1965).
2
 "Make sure that the beer - four pints a week - goes to the troops under fire before any of the parties in the rear get a drop."
- Winston Churchill (to his Secretary of War, 1944)
3
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
- Winston Churchill
4
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
- Winston Churchill to Lady Astor
5
"Sir, you're drunk!"
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Yes, Madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
- Winston Churchill to Lady Astor
6
"Better belly burst than good liquor be lost."
- Jonathan Swift (November 30th 1667 – October 19th1745), an Irish satirist.
7
"I'd like to learn a new language: Scottish. It's a mixture of English and alcohol. You drink a pint and end each sentence with, 'you bastard!'"
- Sean Meo - Happy St. Stephens Day!

December  1
“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here, we might as well dance.”
- Unknown
 
December  2
“Do it today. It could be illegal tomorrow.”
- Unknown

December  3
"Why isn't there a tax on stuff I don't like?"
- Unknown

December  4
“Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us.”
- Unknown
 
December  5
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
- Actual item On the menu of a Polish hotel

December  6
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
Steven Alexander Wright (December 6th, 1955), an American comedian, actor and writer.
2
"A fool and his money are soon partying."
- Steven Wrightt
3
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
- Steven Wrightt
4
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
- Steven Wright
5
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
- Steven Wright
6
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
- Steven Wright

7
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright
8
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
- Steven Wright
9
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
- Steven Wright
10
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
- Steven Wright
11
"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
- Steven Wright
12
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
- Steven Wright
13
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
- Steven Wright
14
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
- Steven Wright
15
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
- Steven Wright
16
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
- Steven Wright
17
"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."
- Steven Wright
18
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
- Steven Wright
19
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
- Steven Wright
20
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'"
- Steven Wright
21
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
- Steven Wright
22
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
- Steven Wrigt
23
"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."
- Steven Wright
 
December  7
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
- Thomas Alan "Tom" Waits (December 7th 1949) an American singer-songwriter.
- Bonus -
"Sounds like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car."
- Daniel Durchholz (music critic) describing Tom Waits voice.'

December  8
"One martini is all right.  Two are too many, and three are not enough."
- James Thurber (December 8th 1894 – November 2nd 1961), an American author and cartoonist. 

December  9
"Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand."
– Fritz Maytag (December 9th 1937), the former owner of Anchor Brewing Company.

December  10
“Question everything! Or shut up and be a victim of authority.”
- Unknown

December  11
"Sometimes going too far is the only way to go."
- Unknown

December  12
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
- Francis Albert "Frank" Sinatra (December 12, 1915 - May 14, 1998)

December  13
“Often in life, we forget the things we should remember, and remember the things we should forget.”
- Unknown
 
December  14
"Scotch... Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine."
- Anonymous

December  15
"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."
- Unknown

December  16
"I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."
Noel Peirce Coward (December 16th, 1899 - March 26th, 1973), an English playwright and entertainer.
- Alternative -
"We could not now take time for further searche or consideration: our victuals being much spente, especially our beere."
- Logbook entry on the Mayflower, December 16, 1620

December  17
“Don’t be afraid of death. Be afraid of a life you didn’t live. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”
- Unknown

December  18
" If, someday, we all go to prison for downloading music; I hope they separate us by genres."
- Unknown 

December  19
"If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.  And try to find somebody who's life is giving them vodka, and have a party." 
- Ron White (December 19th 1956), an American stand up comedian.

December  20
“Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.”
- Unknown
 
December  21
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need beer." - Frank Zappa.
Frank Vincent Zappa (December 21st, 1940 – December 4th, 1993), an American musician.

December  22
"Marry an orphan, you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws."
- George Carlin

December  23
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
- Dave Barry

December  24
"A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours."
- John B. Priestly

December  25
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller

December  26
"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth."
- Steve Allen (December 26th 1921 to October 30, 2000), an American Comedian.

December  27
"I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on." 
- Oscar Levant (December 27th 1906 – August 14th 1972), an American pianist and comedian.

December  28
“Never forget yesterday, but always live for today, because you never know what tomorrow can bring, or what it can take away.”
- Unknown
 
December  29
“If I had one wish, it would be to not have a reason to make one.”
- Unknown
 
December  30
“The journey in between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”
- Unknown
 
December  31
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
- Humphrey Bogart

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Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

7/13
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

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