JOKES 
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
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1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets. 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still." 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint. 4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight. 6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet. 7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position. 8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again." 9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed. 10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!" ...
The other day, while Paddy was seeing his shrink, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman. Paddy replied, "Big boobs." "No, I meant for a serious relationship." Paddy said "Oh, seriously big boobs." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" "Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" said Paddy "No woman's boobs are that big." ...
A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Scotty, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk." Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him? Scotty responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm done ... " "Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Scotty up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?" "Well, sure," says Scotty. "I just got paid." "Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and puke like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!" What a great idea, Scotty thinks, and starts knocking them back. Later that night, when Scotty gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Scotty - I've told you! That's it!" "Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!" She yanks the money out of his hand. "Scotty, this is a $100 bill." "Well," Scotty replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well." ...
Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk: * Innovative * Preliminary * Proliferation * Cinnamon,
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk: * Specificity * Anti-constitutionalistically * Passive-aggressive disorder * Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When Drunk: * Nope, no more booze for me! * Sorry, but you're not really my type. * Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. * Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? * Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. * I'm not interested in fighting you. * Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! * Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. * I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. ...
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?" ...
HANGOVER ALERT LEVELS …
1 Star Hangover * No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries ...
2 Star Hangover ** Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. …
3 Star Hangover *** Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once. …
4 Star Hangover **** Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. …
5 Star Hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) ***** You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe ... .very gently. ...
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" "Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar." ...
A guy walks into a bar on a Saturday night by himself. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. After he finishes gulping down half, he proceeds to pour the other half on his right hand. After doing this three or four more times, the confused bartender asks him what in the hell he's doing. The man explains "I'm getting my date drunk" ...
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!" ...
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy" ...
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 ... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old man ... "Costs too much!" ...
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog." ...
There's an airline called Virgin Airlines, but I never use them. Who wants to fly on a plane that doesn't go all the way? ...
A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Scotty, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk." Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him? Scotty responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue ... " "Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Scotty up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?" "Well, sure," says Scotty. "I just got paid." "Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!" What a great idea, Scotty thinks, and starts knocking them back. Later that night, when Scotty gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Scotty - I've told you! That's it!" "Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!" She yanks the money out of his hand. "Scotty, this is a $100 bill." "Well," Scotty replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well." ...
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way." ...
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing. ...
A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop. When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone." The blonde says, "No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43." To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look ... that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone." The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what he should do. After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says, "Bill, you better give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we'll never catch her." ... A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar." ...
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ...
When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch, having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do." "Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a oral sex out of this." ...
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" ...
Two drunks are in a pub sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years." ...
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." ...
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.
The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"
The man said, "buy me a drink and I'll tell you."
The drink was ordered and the story began.
"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat. Then looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.
'Great I said. I'd like to be rescued.' She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.
Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is.
Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said that it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said 'well, okay, if we can't have sex, can you just give me a little head then?'" ...
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police.
The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk." ...
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon.
As it gets closer to dusk the increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other says "I know, it's the cobblestones." ...
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" ...
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" ...
A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?.
I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"
"Yes", comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing" the man replies. ...
A RHYME ..
Mary had a little skirt, Split right up the SIDES. And every time she wore that skirt, The boys could see her THIGHS.
She also had another skirt, Split right up the FRONT. And everytime she wore that skirt, she never went out. ...
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?" The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!" The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers. ...
You're MAMMA JOKES You're momma's so fat she falls off both sides of the bed ... You're Momma's so fat, when she walks by the TV I miss a season of the Cosby Show ... You're momma's so fat she asked for a water bed and they threw a blanket over the Pacific ocean ... You're momma's so fat she caught the flesh-eating virus three years ago ... You're mamma's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X jacket and a helicopter landed on her back ... You're mamma's so fat when god said let there be light he asked her to step out of the way ... You're momma's so poor when I rang the doorbell she stuck her head out the window and yelled ding dong ... You're momma's so poor she can't even pay attention … You're momma's so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone ... You're mamma's so dumb she spent all day arranging M&M's in alphabetical order ... You're momma's so ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out with an application ... You're mamma's such a drunk, If it weren't for the olives in martinis, she would starve to death ... ...
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" ...
I decided to call his father-in-law the 'Exorcist' cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear! ...
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush Restaurant and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced 7 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" said the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: * A Liter of 2% milk, * A carton of eggs, * A Litre of orange juice, * A head of lettuce, * A can of coffee, * And one pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly." ...
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" ...
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her ... they kiss ... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can pick a medium prize" ...
Top ten signs that you are too drunk ...
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 4. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 3. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up. ...
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world." "On the other hand, Port makes me fart." ...
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?" The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator." ...
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks 'GEEZ' but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big guy knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this ... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and -- BONG!!! -- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears." ...
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $5.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes" she purrs "I am." The man replies "Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich." ...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," he replies. ...
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled: 'The Meaning of Dreams.' ...
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know ... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" ...
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?" So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true." He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door. The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!' So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me." The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point." "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'" Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." ...
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though." The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?" "Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground." ...
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion. They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition ... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket." "It's a deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face. "You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?" ...
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, do you have any books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says "Piss off, you wont bring it back!' ...
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." ...
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club." ...
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." ...
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've been eating my socks." ...
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman." ...
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is? ...
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man ...
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not. A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change and she does. ...
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?" ...
This guy is at the supermarket and after buying a few things he begins to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl, and just at that moment he remembers that he needs some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl, "I meant to buy some condoms but forgot," to which she replies, "Do you know what size you are?" "No." The girl then said, "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are." The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone, "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please." He pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him, he pays his bill, and goes on his way ...
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says, "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please." The condoms are then brought to him, he pays the bill, and goes on his way ...
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says, "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot," and the girl replies, "Do you know what size you are?" He answers "Nope," and she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone, "Clean up on aisle 3, please!" ...
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." ...
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . . 'Go get your Mother' ...
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside. "Will you look at that?" says the first Irishman. "And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside. "There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats," says the second Irishman. They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside. "Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died!" ...
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be sitting next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average length and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." ...
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely, but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?" ...
Irish Coffee is the perfect meal because it contains all four food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. ... I asked my wife if I pleased yer in bed? "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth" she said. "What trick?" I asked. "The one where you shut up and go to sleep" ...
Question: Where does an Irishman go for a vacation? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: A different bar. ...
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer?" You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone" ...
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda (police) get here!'' ...
A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, anything you choose, the other man gets twice as much of." The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like." So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!" The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for." The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it." ...
Chuck Norris Facts…
There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk ... If Chuck Norris was a spartan the movie would be called "1" ... Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana ... Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he rapes his hand ... Chuck Norris could start a fire with 2 ice cubes ... Chuck Norris doesn't swim (even though he can), the water holds Chuck Norris up ... The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist! ... Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris ... Global warming is caused by transient energy leftover from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks ... Do you know why God is called "God"? Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken ... The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too ... Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris - - - After 5 days of extreme pain, the snake died ... Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail ... The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears ... Chuck Norris can drown a fish ... Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone ... Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost ... Chuck Norris makes onions cry ... Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear ... Superman also wears Chuck Norris pajamas... The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain ... There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, There is only another fist ... Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs ... Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer sadly he has never cried ... The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real. - - - It's when he learns Chuck Norris is ... Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did ... If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, check the obituaries ... Giraffes did not exist until Chuck Norris began uppercuting horses ... Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter ... Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle ... Jesus might be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land ... Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding ... The Virgin Islands have a backup name ready in case Chuck Norris visits ... Chuck Norris volunteered to go to war in Japan during WWII, Truman decided it was more humane to bomb hiroshima ... When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris ... A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people, It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there ... God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6 ... Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird ... Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it ... Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors ... Chuck Norris can divide by zero ... Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon ... Chuck Norris can run so fast around the earth that he can punch himself in the back of the head ... Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick someone in the back of the face ... ...
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: One less drunk. ...
An Irish priest is driving down a highway and is pulled over for speeding. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle beside him. He asks the priest, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest responds, "No officer, just water," The policeman asks, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "The Good Lord! He's done it again!" ...
An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the man said. "We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife. ...
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" ...
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Plant your potatoes, Your Welcome" ...
Q: Why did God make beer? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world. ...
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" ...
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood." ...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side" ...
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." ...
A guy walks into a pub and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the loo. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" ...
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?' ... A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. "Parlez-vous Francais", he asks. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" Again, the old men shake their heads. Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks "Habla Espanol?" The men once again shake their heads. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks "Parla l'italiano?" The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. One old man says to the other, "You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language." "Ah get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four and it didn't do him a bit of good." ...
Fifteen years together and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush. So if anyone knows another way to get dogs shit out of my boots, I'm all ears ...
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." ...
A cowboy walks in to a bar and says, "I want a beer." So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone. He shouted, "If I dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what I did in Georgia." So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window "What did you have in Georgia?" "I had to walk home." ... A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Scotty! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Scotty. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Scotty if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Scotty, and says "Hi Scotty. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Scotty's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Scotty follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Scotty." ...
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. ...
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. "Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'? I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.' So here I am." ...
FDA Warnings …
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not ... Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser ... Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again ... Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish ... Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am ... Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember) ... Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead ... Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong ... Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible ... Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you ... Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small, or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear ... Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy ... ...
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock. ...
One for the Gals ... Q: Why don't women have men's brains? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Because they don't have penises to put them in. ... One for the Guys ... Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect female - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. ……………… or, as an acronym, B.I.G.T.I.T.S. ...
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "Honey, this is the pig ive been sleeping with." The wife looks up from the magazine she's reading and says, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." The man replies, "I was talking to the sheep." ...
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, "this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy ... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN ... Told you it'll be there before your dog!" ...
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!" ... A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants." ...
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra. ...
A guy out for a drink with his friends sees a pretty girl and tries to charm her by saying "I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis but its too long" To which she replies "Thats funny, I was gonna tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it." ...
MAN RULES ...
RULE #1 The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. RULE #2 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. RULE #3 Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. RULE #4 Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers. RULE #5 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. RULE #6 If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. RULE #7 Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. RULE #8 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. RULE #9 No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. RULE #10 Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. RULE #11 Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it. RULE #12 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem you didn't see nothin'. RULE #13 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. RULE #14 It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless super model ... and it's free. RULE #15 Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. RULE #16 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. RULE #17 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. RULE #18 Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. RULE #19 Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. RULE #20 If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay." RULE #21 "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat" RULE #22 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. ...
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor. "One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop." ...
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day, Couples have Valentines Day, What do single guys have? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Palm Sunday. ...
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard." ... A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day…
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires ...
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .
No wait ... Sorry ... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does ... Never mind. ...
Two women were discussing the news of the day at their favorite cocktail bar -- the story of a politician who had an affair with a young woman was one topic that came up. One asked the other "what would you do if you ever caught your husband with another woman?" "Another woman with MY husband?" She thought it over. "Let's see, I suppose I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the mental institution she escaped from." ...
A giraffe bellies up to the bar and says, "Hey guys, the high balls are on me!" ...
An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" ...
I Passed out drunk at a friends house last night, only to awaken this morning to find that someone had drawn a forehead on my penis. I kinda' suspect my dyslexic friend. ...
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad. ...
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married ... " The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you're heterosexual then." "Of Course!" the builder boasted. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sexual orientation." The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist." "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a Homo then!" ...
A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room. Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists. "Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel." "Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep." ...
I told my Doctor I'd badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident. He said, "Did you fall off your board?" I said, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut quickly!" ...
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads. So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!" The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave." ...
Chat site transcript:
Manly33: Hello, SexyGirl29: Hi Manly 33: What do you look like? SexyGirl29: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Manly33: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner ... it smells funny. SexyGirl29: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Manly33: OK. SexyGirl29: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Manly33: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. SexyGirl29: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Manly33: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. SexyGirl29: I'm moaning softly. Manly33: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. SexyGirl29: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Manly33: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. SexyGirl29: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Manly33: I'll pay for it. SexyGirl29: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Manly33: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? SexyGirl29: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Manly33: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. SexyGirl29: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Manly33: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! SexyGirl29: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Manly33: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. SexyGirl29: What? Manly33: I'm so sorry. Really. SexyGirl29: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Manly33: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. SexyGirl29: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Manly33: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! SexyGirl29: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Manly33: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you ... umm ... wait a minute. SexyGirl29: What's the matter? Manly33: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. SexyGirl29: Are you OK? Manly33: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. SexyGirl29: Can I help? Manly33: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? SexyGirl29: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Manly33: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. SexyGirl29: Come back to me, lover. Manly33: I'm washing the cup now. SexyGirl29: I'm on the bed arching for you. Manly33: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? SexyGirl29: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Manly33: I found it. SexyGirl29: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Manly33: Me too. SexyGirl29: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other. Manly33: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. SexyGirl29: Why don't you take off your glasses? Manly33: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. SexyGirl29: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Manly33: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. SexyGirl29: Hurry back, lover. Manly33: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. SexyGirl29: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Manly33: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! SexyGirl29: What's the matter now? Manly33: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. SexyGirl29: Mmm, yes. Come on. Manly33: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing. SexyGirl29: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Manly33: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. SexyGirl29: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Manly33: I'm flaccid. SexyGirl29: What? Manly33: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. SexyGirl29: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Manly33: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. SexyGirl29: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Manly33: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. SexyGirl29: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Manly33: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. SexyGirl29: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Manly33: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! SexyGirl29: <logged off> ...
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog barks. His owner says “see he said ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog barks again. The owner says “see he said RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?". ...
A doctor tells a man that the best thing to do is to give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning and go to bed early every night. The patient paused and then asked, "What's the second best thing to do?" ...
A Man is walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers. He had never had a hooker before, but decides - what the hell, it's only twenty dollars. So he joins her in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "'What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to me wife," the man answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know" ''Well, neither did I," he said, "till you shined the light in her face!!" ...
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. ...
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." ...
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE ...
"You Are Different and That's Bad" , "Dad's New Wife Timothy" , "Pop! Goes The Hamster ... And Other Great Microwave Games" , "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets" , "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" , "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" , "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" , "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" , "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse" , "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" , "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" , "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" , "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School" , "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear" , "You Were an Accident" , "Strangers Have the Best Candy" , "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" , "Some Kittens Can Fly!" , "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" , "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" , "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" , "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of ... North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" , "All Dogs Go to Hell" , "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" , "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It" , "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" , "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" , "Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends" , "Bi-Curious George" ...
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it" ...
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you" She said "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied "It's me talking to the beer" ...
A man walks into a bar and asks for a bin Ladin. The bartender says "whats a bin Ladin?" The man replies "2 shots and a splash of water" ...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah." "This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! No, think of another wish." The man said "OK" and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women ... know how they feel inside and know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing ... know how to make them truly happy" The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" ...
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually.' ...
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said "forget it buddy there's no paper in here either!". ...
My wife said "wisper dirty things in my ear" I said "kitchen ... bathroom ... livingrioom ... " ...
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. "I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '64." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '64, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Keefe twins are drunk again." ... DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No … No = Yes ... Maybe = No ... We need = I want … We need to talk = You're in trouble … Sure, go ahead = You better not ... Do what you want = You will pay for this later … I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! … You're attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? ...
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry … I am sleepy = I am sleepy … I am tired = I am tired … Nice dress = Nice cleavage ... I love you = Let's have sex now … I am bored = Do you want to have sex? … May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you soon ... Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you in the future … Can I take you to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you … Can I take you to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you … Those shoes do not go with that outfit = I'm gay ...
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause over three times as many accidents. ... A LETTER:
Dear Spike, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law ... P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery ...
YOU HAVE PURCHASED A BAD BEER WHEN ... 10. TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of the Hudson River... 9. The second you take a sip, your liver fails 8. For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle 7. It was actually brewed by Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams 6. Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beercompany has a wheelbarrow pushed by a doped-up monkey 5. The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry" 4. Tastes more like mountain goat piss than a mountain stream 3. Picture on label is of a guy throwing up 2. It reads "from concentrate" 1. When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," your buddies kill themselves. ...
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?” “Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?” “No,” replied, the policeman, “You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.” ...
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best friend, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm ... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my buddy and said, "Scotty did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a 'dickhead', but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered! ...
Sitting in the bar Scotty asked his 40-year-old friend Paddy, "How come you aren't married?" Paddy: "I haven't found the right woman yet." Scotty: "So what are you looking for?" Paddy: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either." Scotty: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" Paddy: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy." ...
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" "A hundred dollars." She says "Damn. All I've got is thirty." "Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?" "A handjob," Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?" ...
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." ...
I was making love to my wife the other day when she stopped moving. She just laid there lifeless, so I decided to finish. All of a sudden she jumped up and shouted "BOO!!" Honestly, some people are just sick in the head! ...
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!" ...
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising." ...
A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll go down on you for the toaster." ...
The manager of a supermarked was getting to know his employees when he aproached a stockboy "Where are you from?" the manager asked The stockboy replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The stockboy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!" The stockboy replied, "Err, No kidding! What team did she play for?" ...
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday". Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. O o I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison ..." ...
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, he'll stop giving me money!” ...
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh ... she got fired too." ...
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Scotty, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Scotty!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!" ...
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow." ...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. ...
HOW TO WASH THE CAT ... 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, THE DOG ...
A farmhand walks into the barn and is shocked to find the farmer doing a striptease in front of a tractor. "What the hell are you doing?" asked the farmhand in disbelief as the farmer rubs his butt against a tire. "My wife and and I have been having marriage problems so we went to see a counsellor. He said I need to do something sexy to a tractor" ...
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?" ...
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' ...
Dislexic boy asks his mother if he can have McDonalds for dinner, "you can have it if you can spell it" she says "Screw it, Ill have a KFC instead" ...
One for the Guys ... DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS :
40-ish = 49 … Adventurous = Slept with everyone. … Athletic = No breasts … Average looking = Moooo ... Beautiful = Pathological liar ... Emotionally Secure = On medication ... Feminist = Fat ... Free Spirit = Junkie ... Friendship first = Former slut ... New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places ... Old-fashioned = No B.J.'s … Open-minded = Desperate … Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing … Professional = Bitch ... Voluptuous = Very Fat ... Large frame = Morbidly Obese
...
One for the Gals … Question: What is the thinnest book in the world? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: "What men know about women." ...
As a child I was subjected to cruel medical experiments where parts of animals were grafted onto my body. If I ever find the scientist responsible, I'll kill him with my bear hands! ...
THE PERFECT BEER COMMERCIAL ..
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor orpharmacist about Beer. Beer is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Beer can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Beer almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living with Beer. Beer may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Beer. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it . . . .
Side effects of Beer may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lucool illness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and/or play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister. ...
A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka." The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine." The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like. The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen." ...
John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed. Bill says, "Hey John, what's wrong?" John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!" ...
The boy takes his girlfriend back home after being out together. They reach the front door. He leans with one hand on the wall and says, "Sweetie, how about some oral?" "What?? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, hon, no one'll see!" "Yeah they will! We're on the front door step for crying out loud! Someone will see!" "Not at this time of night, babe, c'mon, no one'll show up!" "No, no, no! I don't want someone to see!" "Baby, you'll love it, too, c'mon, I know you will." "No, no!" "Cmon, love, don't be like that, c'mon." At that moment, the door opens and the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown. Her hair's totally in disorder. She's rubbing her eyes. She yawns and says, "Dad told me to tell you to do it, or I've got to do it, or he's gonna come down and do it himself, but, for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to get his hand off of the damn intercom button!" ...
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!" The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!" ...
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. ...
Guys, I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up ...
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep ...
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her ...
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. ' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on ...
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it? ...
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club." ...
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal" ...
A boy walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom on, preparing to make love to his wife. Jimmy's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. The boy asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?" His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.", to which the boy replied "What ya gonna do, screw it?" ...
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs" the drunk replied. ...
The police came to my front door last night with a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids." ...
Bad things to overhear during Surgery ...
"I shouldn't of had that last drink" , "You know I can't stand the sight of blood." , "Damnit! Rewind the instructional tape again" , "Now, which one of these did you sterilize, again?" , "Let's see now ... where's slot A?" , "Hey! I saw something just like this on The X-Files" , "Ok, think ... You're back in med school, that test you failed ... think ... " , "Hand me that curvey thing" , "Now I'm sure I put his brain around here somewhere." , "What were we supposed to cut off again?" , "Now what does this thing do?" , "I don't know, it isn't in the manual!" , "Well, MAKE it fit!" , "Dammit, I hate it when I have parts left over." , "Wasn't I wearing my wedding ring?" , "Ahh.. nobody'll notice." ...
The Top 10 Rejected Beer Slogans ...
10. Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years … 9. A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self … 8. Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'! … 7. You have to fill your bladder with something. … 6. We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster. … 5. Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You … 4. It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper! … 3. Easier to Spell than Whiskey … 2. The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid … 1. Beer: It's how you got here. ...
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." ...
On fathers day I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should wait until tomorrow!" ...
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ...
One for the Gals ...
Women: Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring. Women cry when they are happy. Women are always doing little things to show they care. They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best food, best clothes) Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up. They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion. Women know how to get the most for their money They know how to comfort a sick friend. Women bring joy and laughter to the world. They know how to entertain children for hours on end! They are honest and loyal. Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior. They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need. Women are easily brought to tears by injustice. They know how to make a man feel like a king. Women make the world a much happier place to live. ...
Men: Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders. ...
One For the Guys ...
MALE PROCEDURE FOR DRIVE-THROUGH ATM …
1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. …
FEMALE PROCEDURE FOR DRIVE-THROUGH ATM …
1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. ...
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says "there's nothin' special ... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die" ...
What you call dog with no legs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. ...
A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish". She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said" The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ". She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said" The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish." His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that, now how do you feel?" The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already". ...
An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he's exhausted. After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action. They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!" The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room. The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it! The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!" The CEO turns to him and says, "What do mean, wrong hole?" ...
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an bug." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised that bug can fly with a d#ck that big." ...
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Hawley's pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused so, she looked all around the store to make sure it was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked, holding her breasts up for me to see. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. ...
Easy steps to poo like a man ...
1. Select reading material 2. Tell everyone along the way, 'Just going for a dump, okay?' Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors. 3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down. 4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim. 5. Open reading material and relax. 6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart. 7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man. 8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks. 9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it. 10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan. 11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper. 12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses it. 13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later). 14. Wash your hands once. 15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce. ...
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me." ...
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. Think of how long it will take to get a lawyer!" ...
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins. ...
A woman says to her girlfriend, "My husband has dandruff." "So give him Head and Shoulders." Her friend answers. "OK, how do I give him Shoulders?" ...
Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser." I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money. "No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change." ...
USA STATE MOTTO's … Alabama: Now with Electricity … Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! … Arizona: It's a Dry Heat … Arkansas: Learnin' Ain't Everythin' … California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. … Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother … Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet. … Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water … Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids … Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism … Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) … Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good … Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" … Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free … Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn … Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States … Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names … Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign … Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster … Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It … Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) … Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians … Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes … Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State … Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work … Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else … Nebraska: (Ask About Our State Motto Contest) … Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker! And that's just breakfast! … New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone … New Jersey: Yo, I got your MF-in motto right here! … New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets … New York: Don't forget your lawyer. … North Carolina: Tobacco IS a Vegetable … North Dakota: One Of The 50 States! , Yes, Really! … Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan … Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing … Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner … Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal … Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island … South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender … South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota … Tennessee: The Educashun State … Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English) … Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus … Vermont: Yep, syrup! … Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? … Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! … Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? … West Virginia: One Big Happy Family, Really! … Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese … Wyoming: Where Men Are Men, and the sheep are scared! ...
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING …
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. ...
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. ...
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. ...
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. ...
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. ...
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. ...
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. ...
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. ...
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. ...
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. ...
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. ...
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. ...
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. ...
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. ...
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. ...
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. ...
Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. Question: What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you’ve drank too much. ...
A couple young ladies decided to go for a swim but forgot their suits. No one was around so they decided to strip of all their cloths and jump in. Pretty soon an old man shows up and starts staring. One of the blonds says, " Hey buddy, if you think were coming out of the water your crazy. We know what you're up to." The old man says, "I'm not here to look at you, I'm here to feed the alligators." ...
Three men come before St.Peter one morning. Pete asks the first one what happened and gets the following response: "I was on my way to work when I realized I'd forgotten my lunch, so I turned around and headed back. When I opened the door, my wife was standing there buck-naked. Now I'm no dummy, so I got to looking around the room. I didn't find anything unusual. So I went to the window and opened it up, and there was this guy, buck naked, hanging off the ledge. I banged on his fingers with all my might, but the sucker just wouldn't let go. So finally I just picked up a chest and shoved it out the window. That did the trick. After that I died of a broken heart." St. Peter moves on to the next: "I got up this morning and went to open my bedroom window, but I lost my balance and fell out. Somehow I caught onto the window-ledge of the floor below and was hanging on for dear life, when all of a sudden this guy throws open the window and starts hammering on my fingers to get me to let go. I kept yelling for help, but the guy was nuts. He turned and disappeared, and I thought everything was going to be all right, when suddenly this huge chest comes out the window on top of me and after that it all goes dark." Finally, St. Peter asks the third man how he met his end. "Honestly, I couldn't really tell you. The last thing I remember, I was hiding in a chest." ...
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote "Check girl puts out" ...
A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year- old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookies section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be long." In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry--only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said. The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine--I'm Missy." ...
One for the Gals ... Q. What do clouds and men have in common? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A. Occasionally they leave and it turns into a really nice day. ...
One for the Guys ... Earlier i couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so i asked the kids if they'd seen it . . . . . . . . . . Apparently, she'd gone shopping. ...
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks, “Great, they think the dog did it.” He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you.” ...
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs. ...
A elderly woman goes to the doctor complaining about a lump in her breast. After examining her, the doctor says "don't worry Mrs Smith, it's just your kneecap." ...
A young boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad." "No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now" "Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise." "No, I don't want to." "Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise." "Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?" "Mom says when you croak we can have this house" ...
One for the Gals ... It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 1. The woman goes to the shops. 2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. 4. The man places the meat on the grill. 5. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. 7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." 12. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women! ...
One for the Guys ... A Man comes home drunk, after drinking too much beer in a local bar. He opens the door of a bedroom and says: "You can start yelling now, so I can find where the bed is ..." ...
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over on Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car. ...
A policeman, cruising past a pub after closing, notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink, and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT." The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!" ...
I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? ...
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly ... I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." ...
Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well ... Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The nearly-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin, the nearly-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?" ...
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband. The newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying. Turning to her husband she says sobbing, "That's horrible". Confused, he responds, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving. And, well, there is that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing says, "Honey, how many is a Brazilian?" ...
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ...
Slogans for 24% ABV Beer (like Sam Adams Utopias or Dogfish Head World Wide Stout) … 16 A Trailer Park in Every Bottle! … 15 Because a Beer Hat Only Holds Two Cans … 14 Strong Enough for a Bush -- But Made for a Kennedy … 13 You Booze, You Snooze … 12 You Only Go Around Once in Life -- Might as Well Be Hammered … 11 Great Taste, Less Feeling! … 10 The Quicker Liquor-Upper … 9 Because Roofies Ain't Legal, Homeboy … 8 Like Bourbon, Only Carbonated … 7 What Beer Drinkers Drink When They Ain't Drinkin' Gasoline … 6 48 Proof: Easily Divisible by Your Favorite 12-Step Program! … 5 It's Disinfectastic! … 4 Goodbye, Beer Goggles. Hello, Seeing-Eye Dog! … 3 Get Fried With That … 2 Upgrade from Beer Goggles to a Beer Hubble Telescope! … 1 Now With More of the Active Ingredient Alcoholics Recommend Most ...
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" ...
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." ...
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on." The woman replied, "Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?" The man replied, "No, I'm turning the heat off." ...
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ...
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Piss off, ye'll not bring it back!' ...
What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today? Scratching like hell to get out of that box. ...
John and Mary decided to try a 69. John's never done one before, so Mary says I'll show you how. She tells him to lie on the floor and she squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face, she farts, apologising she tries again, but farts again. John jumps up and storms away yelling. "No way I'm hanging around for another 67 of them." ...
A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here." The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!" ...
Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!" ...
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger man screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man sofly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" The passenger , terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?" ...
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there. ...
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant girl? You can unscrew the light bulb! ...
One for the Guys ... Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." ... One for the Gals ... Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’. ...
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best friend, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm ... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my buddy and said, "Scotty did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered! ...
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to screw her!" The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"? ...
One for the Gals ...
Guys and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. Girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pees as hard as he can on the stains. ...
One for the Guys ...
Wanted Ad line 1. A tall well-built woman with good 2. reputation, who can cook frogs 3. legs, who appreciates a good fuc- 4. schia garden, classic music and tal- 5. king without getting too serious 6.
Interested? Then please only read the odd numbered lines ... 1. A tall well-built woman with good 3. legs, who appreciates a good fuc- 5. king without getting too serious 7. still interested? Call me at 8250-0327 ...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." ...
A POEM ...
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother, To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! ...
7 year olds asked what they think of beer ... * Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' * Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. * Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' * Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' * Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. * Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' * Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' *Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' ...
Jimmy: Mommy, I have a drinking problem. Mom: OH MY GO Jimmy! YOUR ONLY 7! , THIS IS YOUR FAULT! JIM!! Dad: MY FAULT! MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE TIME WITH HIM!! Mom: OUR 7 YEAR OLD HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM (sobbing)! , HE DOENST NEED A ROLE MODEL LIKE YOU!! Dad: I HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING TO THIS FAMILY ... AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!!, IM LEAVING!!! Mom: FINE!!!!, I DONT NEED YOU! AND Jimmy DOESN'T NEED YOU!!! , (crying) Tell Me about your drinking problem Jimmy. Jimmy: (retrieves a paper from his school bag and reads) "If David Drinks 2 Glasses of Orange Juice and Carl drinks 3, How many glasses of Orange Juice have the both of them drank?" ...
No joke here, There will be a funny joke about procrastination here at a later date. ...
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.'' And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.'' ...
A customer was bothering the bartender. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned on because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned off cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the bartender was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the bartender with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." ...
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Rachael replied, "That's me before the surgery." ...
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down,he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth ... ...
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ...
A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?" The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply." "Can you tell me where your library is at, asshole?" ...
The good the Bad and the Ugly ...
Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: She is expecting triplets. Ugly: You were sterilized five years ago. ...
Good: Your son is growing up. Bad: He has a relationship with a prostitute from the neighborhood. Ugly: Just like you. ...
One for the Guys ... After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. ...
One for the Gals ... A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." ...
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin?" Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya ... . prove it." Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f*ckin' one?" ...
The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Sinead said: "My da's says eggs are important and we should eat plenty. One time we were taking our eggs home from the supermarket in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke on the dashboard and made a right mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher." "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Fionnula raised her hand and said: "Our family have a farm. We raise chickens for the meat factory. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story, Fionnula. Shane, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, Miss. My Da told me this story about my Auntie Karen. Auntie Karen went to live in the States in the 1980s when she couldn't get a job. Later she was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of Irish Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Auntie Karen when she's been drinking." ...
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you!" The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me!" The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank you's ... Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go ... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured." "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house." So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore!" ...
I had a phone call from the police last night, they said "your house has been broken into, they drank all your beer and had sex with your wife" I cant believe they had sex with her after only 4 beers!! ...
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." ...
A man lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so he decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet away from the dock. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" he said proudly to a deck hand. "It was alright" said the sailor. "But if you had waited a few seconds we would have pulled all the way in" ...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" ...
TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I". BETH: I is... TEACHER: No Beth, Always say, "I am" , not "I is". BETH: All right, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ...
An elderly man was stopped by the police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The police said "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied "My wife." ...
I went to the doctor the other day recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my them, he said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination." I said, "I haven't got an erection!" He replied, "I know you don't, but I do." ...
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first." ...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." ...
Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!" ... I was at a banking machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. She was right to ask, because when I gave her a shove she fell over. ...
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too." Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?" Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?" "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?" ...
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that could service all of his many hens. He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk. "Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his way with each hen. But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dom,you'll kill yourself." But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom. The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy." "Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer." ...
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20000) on a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from the neck down rolled the dice and yelled "Come on baby Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed ... "YES! YES! I WON I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed ... The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked "What did she roll?" The other answered "I don't know - I thought you were watching." ...
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, 'Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?' ...
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?" ...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! ...
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" Tommy says "Yes father, it's me." The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?" Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat." Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads." ...
The wife came out of the shower and said "babe shut the curtains, i don't want the neighbours seeing me naked". "Don't worry" i replied, "if they see you naked, they'll shut their own curtains" ...
Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common? A: They're all married. ...
At 3am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!" ...
Occupational Motivations *Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow. *If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them fired. *If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. *You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back. *If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. ...
I was at a banking machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. She was right to ask, because when I gave her a shove she fell over. ...
Jane's friend Debbie is complaining about a sore throat. Jane tells her, "When i have that I always give my husband oral sex and the next day I'm better, you should try it." Next day Debbie comes in singing. "How did it go?" asks Jane "Brilliant" says Debbie, "Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!" ...
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook" ... What is invisible and smells like Carrots? Rabit farts ...
New Hallmark Cards ...
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. ...
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry! ...
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. ...
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. ...
Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. But don't fret about it. She moved in with me. ...
You totaled your car. And can't remember why. Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry? ...
Too bad no one likes your wife. ...
How could two people as beautiful as you , have such an ugly baby? ...
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you, I've changed my mind. ...
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ...
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. ...
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister. ...
As I grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy... ...
Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this! ...
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. ...
Someday I hope to get married ... . but not to you. ...
Happy Birthday! you look great for your age ... almost Lifelike! ...
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up... I think it's time you kept your promise. ...
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. ...
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we call it quits. ...
I'm so miserable without you... It's like you are still here. ...
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Any idea who the father was? ...
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. ...
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... so we're having you put to sleep. ...
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (available only in Alabama and Arkansas) ...
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff, If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal, Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then ... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER. ...
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, she is eating a twinkie. The barber smiles at her and says, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." "I know, "she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too." ...
A guy goes to the bar and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher." ...
A Scotsman is walking home from a bar and decides to take a nap in a nearby ditch. Later as a couple of girls stroll by one says to the other, "Hey, is it true they don't wear anything beneath those kiltsd?" The other says," let's take a look". So, after looking under the kilt and finding only what god graced him with, the one says,"we should leave something to let him know we were here." So, she ties her blue hair ribbon to his manhood. Upon waking the Scot uncovers to relieve himself. When he notices the ribbon he says, "I don't know where you've been laddie but I see you took first prize." ...
A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "We've been married so long, Honey, I hope you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship." The husband replies, "Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before ... but I have noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?" The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "You." ...
SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG MAGICIAN FOR YOUR KID'S PARTY 10. Before he starts he tells you "by court order, I must maintain a distance of twenty feet from your kids" 9. He saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together. 8. He insists that his magic won't work with his pants on. 7. He makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger. 6. He replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with pulling the "big snake" out of his pants. 5. He closes his eyes, then claims to be invisible. 4. His first trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister 3. He begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet love." 2. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of PBR into "liquid gold" 1. Before every trick, he says "For this one I'm going to need to borrow another bra." ...
An old man was in a bar, talking to a young man. The old man says: "Look out there to the field. Do you see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with my own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Gary-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by my own achin' back. I carved that wood with my own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me Gary-the-Bar-builder? Nooo ... " Then the old man points out the window. "Hey, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off my back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Gary-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo ... " Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. He leans closer to the young man and says "But I screw one goat ..." ...
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." ...
I nearly pissed myself last night. I was in the airport bar having a pint when this guy came in shouting Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allava whiskey on the rocks please. Damn Stutterers. ...
A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year." ...
This bloke is in our pub in Temple Bar, really drunk. Some lads decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and the bloke's wife looks livid. One of them says: "Here's your husband, Missus! Safe and sound." And the wife says: "Yeah right. Now where the hell is his wheelchair?" ...
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk." He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk." Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk". ...
After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said "your the biggest i've ever had". Apparently, "Ditto" wasn't the correct response.. ...
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said "One just jumped into the mine shaft in front of us!" The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie." ...
This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?" "I don't like her." ...
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy. "Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." "Thats Nice" says the other IT guy who seemed disinterested. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "Hmmm" says the second guy sipping his beer "I took her miniskirt off, then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really?!! You got a new laptop?!!" ...
MOVIE TEST ...
You will need a pen and paper for this. Try this test. Do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how. ...
Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below. ...
Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works. ...
Now look up your number in the list below ...
1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Sex With A Goat 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story ...
It is really amazing, isn't it? ...
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. “What’s your name?” he asked. “Carmen,” she replied. “That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?” “Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.” “Why did you do that?” he asked. “Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?” “Beertits,” the man replied. ...
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?" ...
A guy texts his wife from the pub and says "Honey I'm just having 1 more pint, then i'll be on my way home. If i'm not home in 20 minutes then just read this text again". ...
I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and i told her she reminded me of my little toe. "Why" she said " Is that because i'm small and cute". "No" i said "Because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table later". ...
A guy checks into a hotel in Vegas on a business trip and starts to feel a bit lonely so he decides to get a call girl. So he picks up the phone and calls the number he got from the cab driver. "Hello?" the woman says. "Hi, are you nasty? I want nasty. I want it hard and fast. I'm talking kink all night. You name it we'll do it. Bring equiptment, bring toys. You do me and I'll do you--all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. How does that sound?" She says, "Umm, Sir? For an outside line you need to press 9." ...
A maid asked for a pay increase. The housewife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. ... She asked: 'Tell me, why do you want a pay increase? ... Maid: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase..The first is that I iron better than you. ... Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' ... Maid: 'Your husband said so. ... Wife: 'Oh.' ... Maid: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you. ... Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me? Maid: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maid: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maid: 'No ... the gardener did.
Wife: 'how much do you want?' ...
A woman shouts to her husband "DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?" "What are the choices?." asks the husband. She yells "YES OR NO!" ...
I thought the wife would be an ideal contestant for a new TV show. Turns out i was wrong, the program is actually called Fact Hunt. ...
DRINKING TEST ...
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin. 2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever. 3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling. 4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import. 5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being. ...
Question answer values For every question answered with an A, add ten points. For every question answered with a B, add five points. For every question answered with a C, do not change the score. For every question answered with a D, subtract five points. For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points. ...
Results For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning. For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up. For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury. For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up. For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment. ...
A wife says to her husband your always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what the hell do you expect, your in a wheel chair. ...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues ... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... "I would have gotten out today!" ...
I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly" That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking responsibly. And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly" Probably will Piss off the government as well. ...
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." ...
A guy was invited to some old friend’s home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Honey, Jaanu, etc. The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago." ...
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, Salty." ...
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." ...
Bubba and Earl are two avid hunters who got a pilot to take them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they were loading them on the plane to come home, the pilot tells them the plane can only carry four. The two good old boys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six animals were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we are?" "Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." ...
A boy was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps: 1. Unbutton pants 2. Pull pants down 3. Pull foreskin back 4. Pee 5. Push foreskin forward 6. Pull pants up and button up She walked past the bathroom one day and heard him going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good. Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5 ... ...
Every day, A man jogged past a prostitute standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what she always yelled. "One hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would yell back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the prostitute became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!" ...
One day, his wife decided accompany him on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, The man realised she'd bark her $150 offer and his wife would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the prostitute. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jogging past. ...
Then, from her corner, she yelled: "See what you get for five dollars, you cheap bastard!" ...
Q. How do you get a Highlander onto the roof? A. Tell him the drinks are on the house. ...
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?" ...
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say honey?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!" ...
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." ...
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters. "Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?" "Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead." "Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?" "Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead." The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!" "Be quiet Fridge," said the mother. ...
Beside a doctor, in what other profession could a guy tell a girl to get undressed and send the bill to her husband. ...
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.. ...
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. The farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, 'I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.' 'Suit yourself,' the farmer replied. 'The hens are 'round back.' ...
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you. WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants. ...
A man is watching football on TV and flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex. He says to his wife "I don't know whether to watch this or the game" She says "For god's sake watch this . . . . you already know how to play football" ... ...
I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 guys,then he tripped over the microphone cord,and yelled "F*ck me" What happened next will haunt me forever. ...
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I remembered that I was listening to my iPod. ...
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” ...
Today I bought a new stick deodorant. The instructions said, 'Remove cap and push up bottom'. I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells nice! ...
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" ...
Hypothetical questions ... What if there were no hypothetical questions? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? Why does the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god? If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented? Is there another word for synonym? If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? ...
Little Billy's watching TV. He comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells his son all about sex and why a womans vagina gets wet. Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement. "So what were you watching, to ask this son?" asks his Dad. "Tennis" he replies.. ...
Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Banned from the petting zoo ...
Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter ... where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears "You are granted one wish" says the genie. The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?" ...
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before you can cut my hair?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "A couple of hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before you can cut my hair?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "I'm pretty busy about 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before you can cut my hair?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half today." The guy left. The barber turned to the apprentice who was sweeping up hair and said "Do me a favor. Follow that bloke who just put his head around the door and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, the apprentice returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go?" The apprentice looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!". ...
A guy playing golf with some friends was lining up his putt on the 9th hole when a funeral procession goes down the road next to the green. Without warning he stops hit shot, turns round and salute's the hearse. after it had disapeared he calmly stroked in the putt and walked to the next tee. One of the other players turned round and told him how moved he was by his actions, "it was the least I could do" he told him "After all I was married to her for over 20 years." ...
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.” The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: ...
1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. ...
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.” The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!” ...
I was watching the game the other day, when my wife came in the room and said "want to make love?" I replied "after the game" she said "you can record it you know" "good idea" I said "go and set up the camcorder and I'll be up when the game is over." ...
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. One day after a few beers, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?" ...
A small boy got lost at a sporting event. He went up to a Security guard and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically. "Beer and women," said the boy. ...
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging back and forth!" ...
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose." ...
One for the Gals ... At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' ...
and One for the Guys ... Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well ...
Scotty came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Scotty , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..' Scotty was stunned.. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Scotty was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?' 'It's not so bad', replies Scotty , 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Scotty .. 'Well just relax and let it happen'. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ... 'Scotty , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!' ...
The Teacher asks the class of seven year olds who can come up with a sentence with the word fascinate. A little girl says she went to the zoo and was fascinated by the animals. The teacher thanks her and says its not quite the word she was looking for. A liitle boy says he finds science programmes on the tv fascinating. The teacher thanks him and says its not quite the word she's looking for. Little jimmy at the back of the class puts his hand up and says "My next door neighbor has twelve buttons on her blouse but because she has enormous breasts, she can only fasten eight." ...
A small boy got lost at a sporting event. He went up to a Security guard and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically. "Beer and women," said the boy. ...
A Scotsman and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whisky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!" Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Damnit, I didn't know that was a choice!" ...
There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. "I'm fine," Angus said, "But there are some really strange people living here in Australia. One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time." ...
"Well, ma wee laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that." ...
"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mom, I don't. No, I just stay inside ma apartment all day and night, playing ma bagpipes." ...
A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos. The artist says, "Sure." She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say 'Happy Thanksgiving.' On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, 'Merry Christmas.' Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him "I am sick of my husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." ...
Grammar is important. Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. ...
Two men are sitting inthe bar. They have just took their eighth beer. "So how are you?" one man asks from another. "Much Better than tomorrow." the other answers. ...
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ...
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! ...
Woman says to her man as she looks in the Mirror.."Does this dress make me look fat?". The man replies "No, your Fat makes you look fat." ...
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... . The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' ...
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" ...
One for the Gals ... Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say? . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Anything that begins with "my wife tells me ..." ...
One for the Guys ... Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letterbox at the front door, which one do you let in first? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in! ...
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1,500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!". ...
It’s the first day of football practise, and the coach notices that little Jimmy has a wee bit of talent. So he calls to Jimmy and tells to come over. “Hey kid,” he asks, “do you think you could pass a football?” Little Jimmy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach. “Christ,” he replies. “I don’t think I could even swallow one.” ...
I got call from a Charity organization asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to Go to Hell, Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving! ...
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby." ...
Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, John, crashed through the front door at 3 am, waking her up. He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs. 'What are you doing?' Mary shouted. John replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.' 'Leave it down there, Jimmy', Mary bellowed. 'I can't,' John replied, 'I've drunk it.' ...
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstural cycle. For example when a women is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in gas and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a broom shoved up his backside. ...
Paddy murphy sees a fat woman at the bar and saunters upto her. "Excuse me Honey, have you got a pen?" Blushing, the woman softly replies "Yes" Paddy replied "Well i'd get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!" ...
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowladies? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Snowballs ...
A little boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. 'Say, Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?' 'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm,' she replied. 'Why is my sister's name Cornflower?' he asked. 'Well, your father and I were in a corn field when we made her,' the mother replied. 'And why is my other sister named Moonchild?' he asked. 'We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived,' she replied. 'Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?' ...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again" WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?" HUSBAND: "I guess so." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - HUSBAND: "sh*t." ...
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Because the snowblower was coming down the block! . . . .
- Variation -
Why did the snowman pull down his pants? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Because he heard the snowblower was coming. ...
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? . . . . . . . Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. ...
How do you find Will Smith in a Snowstorm? . . . . . . . . . . . . Follow the fresh prints. ...
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" she asked. The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree." ...
FRUITCAKE RECIPE ...
Ingredients: 1 cup water 1 cup sugar 4 large eggs 2 cups dried fruit 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts 1 gallon whiskey ..
Directions: Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, Spoon, Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway? ...
One particular Christmas eve a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?” ...
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. ...
REASONS SANTA IS PROBABLY A WOMAN ...
1. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said. ... 2. Santa explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem! ... 3. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice. ... 4. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that! ... 5. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer. ...
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." ...
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex." ...
WOMAN'S DIARY ...
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me off back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY - Steelers Lost. Got laid though. ...
Doctor: "Well, well. It seems that your weight is perfect. It just happens that you are eleven feet too short." ...
PAST AND PRESENT RESOLUTIONS ...
2011 I will try to be a better husband to Tammy 2012 I will not leave Tammy 2013 I will try to reconcile with Tammy 2014 I will try to be a better husband to Jessica ...
2011: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2012: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2013: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2014: I will not miss any more AA meetings. ...
2011: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2008: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2012: I will not take out any new loans 2013: I will keep up with the debt interest 2014: I will be out of the country by the end of the year. ...
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck the bartender was almost crushed to death. ...
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
..
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets. 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still." 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint. 4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight. 6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet. 7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position. 8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again." 9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed. 10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!" ...
The other day, while Paddy was seeing his shrink, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman. Paddy replied, "Big boobs." "No, I meant for a serious relationship." Paddy said "Oh, seriously big boobs." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" "Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" said Paddy "No woman's boobs are that big." ...
A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Scotty, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk." Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him? Scotty responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm done ... " "Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Scotty up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?" "Well, sure," says Scotty. "I just got paid." "Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and puke like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!" What a great idea, Scotty thinks, and starts knocking them back. Later that night, when Scotty gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Scotty - I've told you! That's it!" "Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!" She yanks the money out of his hand. "Scotty, this is a $100 bill." "Well," Scotty replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well." ...
Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk: * Innovative * Preliminary * Proliferation * Cinnamon,
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk: * Specificity * Anti-constitutionalistically * Passive-aggressive disorder * Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When Drunk: * Nope, no more booze for me! * Sorry, but you're not really my type. * Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. * Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? * Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. * I'm not interested in fighting you. * Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! * Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. * I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. ...
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?" ...
HANGOVER ALERT LEVELS …
1 Star Hangover * No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries ...
2 Star Hangover ** Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. …
3 Star Hangover *** Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once. …
4 Star Hangover **** Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. …
5 Star Hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) ***** You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe ... .very gently. ...
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" "Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar." ...
A guy walks into a bar on a Saturday night by himself. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. After he finishes gulping down half, he proceeds to pour the other half on his right hand. After doing this three or four more times, the confused bartender asks him what in the hell he's doing. The man explains "I'm getting my date drunk" ...
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!" ...
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy" ...
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 ... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old man ... "Costs too much!" ...
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog." ...
There's an airline called Virgin Airlines, but I never use them. Who wants to fly on a plane that doesn't go all the way? ...
A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Scotty, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk." Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him? Scotty responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue ... " "Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Scotty up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?" "Well, sure," says Scotty. "I just got paid." "Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!" What a great idea, Scotty thinks, and starts knocking them back. Later that night, when Scotty gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, his wife meets him at the door, screaming: "Damn it, Scotty - I've told you! That's it!" "Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this $50 bill to pay for my shirt!" She yanks the money out of his hand. "Scotty, this is a $100 bill." "Well," Scotty replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well." ...
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way." ...
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing. ...
A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and waits for the cop. When the cop gets there he says to the blonde, "Lady you were doing 43 miles per hour in a 30 mile an hour zone." The blonde says, "No I wasn't. The sign back there said 43." To this the cop snaps back, "Lady, look ... that was a highway number sign, this is highway 43 and your doing 43 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone." The blonde repeats her story again claiming she was not speeding. The cop scratches his head and returns to his car to ask his bald partner what he should do. After telling his bald partner the story, his partner says, "Bill, you better give her a ticket. The 401 is just up ahead and then we'll never catch her." ... A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar." ...
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ...
When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch, having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do." "Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a oral sex out of this." ...
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home." The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?" ...
Two drunks are in a pub sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years." ...
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." ...
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.
The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"
The man said, "buy me a drink and I'll tell you."
The drink was ordered and the story began.
"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat. Then looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.
'Great I said. I'd like to be rescued.' She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.
Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is.
Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said that it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said 'well, okay, if we can't have sex, can you just give me a little head then?'" ...
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police.
The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk." ...
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon.
As it gets closer to dusk the increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other says "I know, it's the cobblestones." ...
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" ...
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!" ...
A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?.
I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"
"Yes", comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing" the man replies. ...
A RHYME ..
Mary had a little skirt, Split right up the SIDES. And every time she wore that skirt, The boys could see her THIGHS.
She also had another skirt, Split right up the FRONT. And everytime she wore that skirt, she never went out. ...
A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?" The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!" The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers. ...
You're MAMMA JOKES You're momma's so fat she falls off both sides of the bed ... You're Momma's so fat, when she walks by the TV I miss a season of the Cosby Show ... You're momma's so fat she asked for a water bed and they threw a blanket over the Pacific ocean ... You're momma's so fat she caught the flesh-eating virus three years ago ... You're mamma's so fat, she put on a Malcolm X jacket and a helicopter landed on her back ... You're mamma's so fat when god said let there be light he asked her to step out of the way ... You're momma's so poor when I rang the doorbell she stuck her head out the window and yelled ding dong ... You're momma's so poor she can't even pay attention … You're momma's so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone ... You're mamma's so dumb she spent all day arranging M&M's in alphabetical order ... You're momma's so ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out with an application ... You're mamma's such a drunk, If it weren't for the olives in martinis, she would starve to death ... ...
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" ...
I decided to call his father-in-law the 'Exorcist' cuz every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear! ...
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush Restaurant and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced 7 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" said the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" ...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: * A Liter of 2% milk, * A carton of eggs, * A Litre of orange juice, * A head of lettuce, * A can of coffee, * And one pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly." ...
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" ...
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her ... they kiss ... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can pick a medium prize" ...
Top ten signs that you are too drunk ...
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 4. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 3. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up. ...
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world." "On the other hand, Port makes me fart." ...
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?" The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator." ...
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks 'GEEZ' but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big guy knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this ... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and -- BONG!!! -- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears." ...
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $5.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes" she purrs "I am." The man replies "Well wash your f*cking hands, I want a cheese sandwich." ...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," he replies. ...
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled: 'The Meaning of Dreams.' ...
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know ... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" ...
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?" So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true." He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door. The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!' So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me." The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point." "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'" Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." ...
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though." The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?" "Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground." ...
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion. They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition ... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket." "It's a deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face. "You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?" ...
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, do you have any books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says "Piss off, you wont bring it back!' ...
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." ...
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club." ...
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." ...
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've been eating my socks." ...
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman." ...
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is? ...
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man ...
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not. A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change and she does. ...
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?" ...
This guy is at the supermarket and after buying a few things he begins to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl, and just at that moment he remembers that he needs some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl, "I meant to buy some condoms but forgot," to which she replies, "Do you know what size you are?" "No." The girl then said, "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are." The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone, "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please." He pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him, he pays his bill, and goes on his way ...
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says, "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please." The condoms are then brought to him, he pays the bill, and goes on his way ...
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says, "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot," and the girl replies, "Do you know what size you are?" He answers "Nope," and she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone, "Clean up on aisle 3, please!" ...
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." ...
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . . 'Go get your Mother' ...
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside. "Will you look at that?" says the first Irishman. "And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside. "There's another bunch who try to fool everyone with their pious preaching and funny little hats," says the second Irishman. They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door and go inside. "Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died!" ...
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be sitting next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average length and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." ...
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely, but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?" ...
Irish Coffee is the perfect meal because it contains all four food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. ... I asked my wife if I pleased yer in bed? "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth" she said. "What trick?" I asked. "The one where you shut up and go to sleep" ...
Question: Where does an Irishman go for a vacation? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: A different bar. ...
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer?" You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone" ...
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda (police) get here!'' ...
A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn you, anything you choose, the other man gets twice as much of." The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like." So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not that Guinness sewage!" The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but remember the German will get twice what you wish for." The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it." ...
Chuck Norris Facts…
There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk ... If Chuck Norris was a spartan the movie would be called "1" ... Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana ... Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he rapes his hand ... Chuck Norris could start a fire with 2 ice cubes ... Chuck Norris doesn't swim (even though he can), the water holds Chuck Norris up ... The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist! ... Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris ... Global warming is caused by transient energy leftover from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks ... Do you know why God is called "God"? Because "Chuck Norris" is already taken ... The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too ... Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris - - - After 5 days of extreme pain, the snake died ... Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by E-Mail ... The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears ... Chuck Norris can drown a fish ... Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone ... Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost ... Chuck Norris makes onions cry ... Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear ... Superman also wears Chuck Norris pajamas... The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain ... There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, There is only another fist ... Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs ... Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer sadly he has never cried ... The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real. - - - It's when he learns Chuck Norris is ... Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did ... If you want a list of Chuck Norri's enemies, check the obituaries ... Giraffes did not exist until Chuck Norris began uppercuting horses ... Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter ... Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle ... Jesus might be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land ... Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding ... The Virgin Islands have a backup name ready in case Chuck Norris visits ... Chuck Norris volunteered to go to war in Japan during WWII, Truman decided it was more humane to bomb hiroshima ... When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris ... A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people, It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there ... God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6 ... Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird ... Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it ... Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors ... Chuck Norris can divide by zero ... Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon ... Chuck Norris can run so fast around the earth that he can punch himself in the back of the head ... Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick someone in the back of the face ... ...
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: One less drunk. ...
An Irish priest is driving down a highway and is pulled over for speeding. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle beside him. He asks the priest, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest responds, "No officer, just water," The policeman asks, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "The Good Lord! He's done it again!" ...
An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the man said. "We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don't fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife. ...
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" ...
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Plant your potatoes, Your Welcome" ...
Q: Why did God make beer? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world. ...
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" ...
O’Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood." ...
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side" ...
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." ...
A guy walks into a pub and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the loo. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" ...
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?' ... A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. "Parlez-vous Francais", he asks. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" Again, the old men shake their heads. Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks "Habla Espanol?" The men once again shake their heads. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks "Parla l'italiano?" The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. One old man says to the other, "You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language." "Ah get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four and it didn't do him a bit of good." ...
Fifteen years together and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush. So if anyone knows another way to get dogs shit out of my boots, I'm all ears ...
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober." ...
A cowboy walks in to a bar and says, "I want a beer." So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone. He shouted, "If I dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what I did in Georgia." So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window "What did you have in Georgia?" "I had to walk home." ... A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Scotty! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Scotty. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Scotty if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Scotty, and says "Hi Scotty. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Scotty's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Scotty follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Scotty." ...
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. ...
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave, Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine. "Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'? I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.' So here I am." ...
FDA Warnings …
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not ... Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser ... Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again ... Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish ... Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am ... Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember) ... Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead ... Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong ... Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible ... Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you ... Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small, or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear ... Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy ... ...
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock. ...
One for the Gals ... Q: Why don't women have men's brains? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Because they don't have penises to put them in. ... One for the Guys ... Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect female - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. ……………… or, as an acronym, B.I.G.T.I.T.S. ...
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "Honey, this is the pig ive been sleeping with." The wife looks up from the magazine she's reading and says, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep." The man replies, "I was talking to the sheep." ...
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, "this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy ... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN ... Told you it'll be there before your dog!" ...
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!" ... A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants." ...
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra. ...
A guy out for a drink with his friends sees a pretty girl and tries to charm her by saying "I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis but its too long" To which she replies "Thats funny, I was gonna tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it." ...
MAN RULES ...
RULE #1 The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. RULE #2 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. RULE #3 Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. RULE #4 Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers. RULE #5 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. RULE #6 If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. RULE #7 Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. RULE #8 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. RULE #9 No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. RULE #10 Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. RULE #11 Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it. RULE #12 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem you didn't see nothin'. RULE #13 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. RULE #14 It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless super model ... and it's free. RULE #15 Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. RULE #16 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. RULE #17 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. RULE #18 Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. RULE #19 Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. RULE #20 If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay." RULE #21 "Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat" RULE #22 Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. ...
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor. "One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop." ...
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day, Couples have Valentines Day, What do single guys have? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Palm Sunday. ...
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard." ... A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day…
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires ...
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .
No wait ... Sorry ... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does ... Never mind. ...
Two women were discussing the news of the day at their favorite cocktail bar -- the story of a politician who had an affair with a young woman was one topic that came up. One asked the other "what would you do if you ever caught your husband with another woman?" "Another woman with MY husband?" She thought it over. "Let's see, I suppose I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the mental institution she escaped from." ...
A giraffe bellies up to the bar and says, "Hey guys, the high balls are on me!" ...
An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" ...
I Passed out drunk at a friends house last night, only to awaken this morning to find that someone had drawn a forehead on my penis. I kinda' suspect my dyslexic friend. ...
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad. ...
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist." "A what?" asked the builder. "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" the builder replied. "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house." "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly. "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married ... " The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children." "Then it's logical to assume that you're heterosexual then." "Of Course!" the builder boasted. "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sexual orientation." The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?" "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist." "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied his mate. "Well, you're a Homo then!" ...
A furious pounding in a hotel room late at night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager was called, and he let himself into the room. Inside, he found an elderly man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists. "Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel." "Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep." ...
I told my Doctor I'd badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident. He said, "Did you fall off your board?" I said, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut quickly!" ...
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads. So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the store owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!" The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave." ...
Chat site transcript:
Manly33: Hello, SexyGirl29: Hi Manly 33: What do you look like? SexyGirl29: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Manly33: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner ... it smells funny. SexyGirl29: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Manly33: OK. SexyGirl29: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Manly33: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. SexyGirl29: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Manly33: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. SexyGirl29: I'm moaning softly. Manly33: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. SexyGirl29: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Manly33: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. SexyGirl29: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Manly33: I'll pay for it. SexyGirl29: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Manly33: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? SexyGirl29: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Manly33: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. SexyGirl29: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Manly33: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! SexyGirl29: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Manly33: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. SexyGirl29: What? Manly33: I'm so sorry. Really. SexyGirl29: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Manly33: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. SexyGirl29: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Manly33: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! SexyGirl29: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Manly33: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you ... umm ... wait a minute. SexyGirl29: What's the matter? Manly33: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. SexyGirl29: Are you OK? Manly33: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. SexyGirl29: Can I help? Manly33: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? SexyGirl29: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Manly33: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. SexyGirl29: Come back to me, lover. Manly33: I'm washing the cup now. SexyGirl29: I'm on the bed arching for you. Manly33: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? SexyGirl29: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Manly33: I found it. SexyGirl29: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Manly33: Me too. SexyGirl29: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other. Manly33: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. SexyGirl29: Why don't you take off your glasses? Manly33: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. SexyGirl29: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Manly33: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. SexyGirl29: Hurry back, lover. Manly33: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. SexyGirl29: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Manly33: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! SexyGirl29: What's the matter now? Manly33: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. SexyGirl29: Mmm, yes. Come on. Manly33: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing. SexyGirl29: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Manly33: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. SexyGirl29: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Manly33: I'm flaccid. SexyGirl29: What? Manly33: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. SexyGirl29: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Manly33: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. SexyGirl29: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Manly33: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. SexyGirl29: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Manly33: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. SexyGirl29: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Manly33: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! SexyGirl29: <logged off> ...
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog barks. His owner says “see he said ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog barks again. The owner says “see he said RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?". ...
A doctor tells a man that the best thing to do is to give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning and go to bed early every night. The patient paused and then asked, "What's the second best thing to do?" ...
A Man is walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty dollars," she whispers. He had never had a hooker before, but decides - what the hell, it's only twenty dollars. So he joins her in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "'What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to me wife," the man answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know" ''Well, neither did I," he said, "till you shined the light in her face!!" ...
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. ...
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." ...
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE ...
"You Are Different and That's Bad" , "Dad's New Wife Timothy" , "Pop! Goes The Hamster ... And Other Great Microwave Games" , "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets" , "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" , "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" , "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" , "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" , "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse" , "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" , "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" , "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" , "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School" , "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear" , "You Were an Accident" , "Strangers Have the Best Candy" , "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" , "Some Kittens Can Fly!" , "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" , "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" , "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" , "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of ... North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" , "All Dogs Go to Hell" , "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" , "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It" , "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" , "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" , "Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends" , "Bi-Curious George" ...
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it" ...
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you" She said "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied "It's me talking to the beer" ...
A man walks into a bar and asks for a bin Ladin. The bartender says "whats a bin Ladin?" The man replies "2 shots and a splash of water" ...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah." "This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! No, think of another wish." The man said "OK" and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women ... know how they feel inside and know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing ... know how to make them truly happy" The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" ...
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually.' ...
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said "forget it buddy there's no paper in here either!". ...
My wife said "wisper dirty things in my ear" I said "kitchen ... bathroom ... livingrioom ... " ...
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. "I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '64." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '64, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Keefe twins are drunk again." ... DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No … No = Yes ... Maybe = No ... We need = I want … We need to talk = You're in trouble … Sure, go ahead = You better not ... Do what you want = You will pay for this later … I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! … You're attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? ...
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry … I am sleepy = I am sleepy … I am tired = I am tired … Nice dress = Nice cleavage ... I love you = Let's have sex now … I am bored = Do you want to have sex? … May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you soon ... Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you in the future … Can I take you to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you … Can I take you to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you … Those shoes do not go with that outfit = I'm gay ...
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause over three times as many accidents. ... A LETTER:
Dear Spike, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law ... P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery ...
YOU HAVE PURCHASED A BAD BEER WHEN ... 10. TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of the Hudson River... 9. The second you take a sip, your liver fails 8. For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle 7. It was actually brewed by Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams 6. Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beercompany has a wheelbarrow pushed by a doped-up monkey 5. The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry" 4. Tastes more like mountain goat piss than a mountain stream 3. Picture on label is of a guy throwing up 2. It reads "from concentrate" 1. When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," your buddies kill themselves. ...
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?” “Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?” “No,” replied, the policeman, “You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.” ...
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best friend, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm ... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my buddy and said, "Scotty did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a 'dickhead', but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered! ...
Sitting in the bar Scotty asked his 40-year-old friend Paddy, "How come you aren't married?" Paddy: "I haven't found the right woman yet." Scotty: "So what are you looking for?" Paddy: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either." Scotty: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" Paddy: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy." ...
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" "A hundred dollars." She says "Damn. All I've got is thirty." "Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?" "A handjob," Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?" ...
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." ...
I was making love to my wife the other day when she stopped moving. She just laid there lifeless, so I decided to finish. All of a sudden she jumped up and shouted "BOO!!" Honestly, some people are just sick in the head! ...
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!" ...
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising." ...
A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll go down on you for the toaster." ...
The manager of a supermarked was getting to know his employees when he aproached a stockboy "Where are you from?" the manager asked The stockboy replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The stockboy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!" The stockboy replied, "Err, No kidding! What team did she play for?" ...
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday". Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. O o I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison ..." ...
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, he'll stop giving me money!” ...
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh ... she got fired too." ...
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Scotty, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Scotty!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!" ...
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow." ...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. ...
HOW TO WASH THE CAT ... 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash" and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, THE DOG ...
A farmhand walks into the barn and is shocked to find the farmer doing a striptease in front of a tractor. "What the hell are you doing?" asked the farmhand in disbelief as the farmer rubs his butt against a tire. "My wife and and I have been having marriage problems so we went to see a counsellor. He said I need to do something sexy to a tractor" ...
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?" ...
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' ...
Dislexic boy asks his mother if he can have McDonalds for dinner, "you can have it if you can spell it" she says "Screw it, Ill have a KFC instead" ...
One for the Guys ... DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS :
40-ish = 49 … Adventurous = Slept with everyone. … Athletic = No breasts … Average looking = Moooo ... Beautiful = Pathological liar ... Emotionally Secure = On medication ... Feminist = Fat ... Free Spirit = Junkie ... Friendship first = Former slut ... New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places ... Old-fashioned = No B.J.'s … Open-minded = Desperate … Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing … Professional = Bitch ... Voluptuous = Very Fat ... Large frame = Morbidly Obese
...
One for the Gals … Question: What is the thinnest book in the world? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: "What men know about women." ...
As a child I was subjected to cruel medical experiments where parts of animals were grafted onto my body. If I ever find the scientist responsible, I'll kill him with my bear hands! ...
THE PERFECT BEER COMMERCIAL ..
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor orpharmacist about Beer. Beer is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Beer can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Beer almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living with Beer. Beer may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Beer. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it . . . .
Side effects of Beer may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lucool illness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and/or play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister. ...
A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka." The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine." The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like. The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen." ...
John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed. Bill says, "Hey John, what's wrong?" John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!" ...
The boy takes his girlfriend back home after being out together. They reach the front door. He leans with one hand on the wall and says, "Sweetie, how about some oral?" "What?? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, hon, no one'll see!" "Yeah they will! We're on the front door step for crying out loud! Someone will see!" "Not at this time of night, babe, c'mon, no one'll show up!" "No, no, no! I don't want someone to see!" "Baby, you'll love it, too, c'mon, I know you will." "No, no!" "Cmon, love, don't be like that, c'mon." At that moment, the door opens and the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown. Her hair's totally in disorder. She's rubbing her eyes. She yawns and says, "Dad told me to tell you to do it, or I've got to do it, or he's gonna come down and do it himself, but, for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to get his hand off of the damn intercom button!" ...
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!" The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!" ...
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. ...
Guys, I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up ...
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep ...
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her ...
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. ' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on ...
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it? ...
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club." ...
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal" ...
A boy walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom on, preparing to make love to his wife. Jimmy's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. The boy asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?" His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.", to which the boy replied "What ya gonna do, screw it?" ...
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs" the drunk replied. ...
The police came to my front door last night with a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids." ...
Bad things to overhear during Surgery ...
"I shouldn't of had that last drink" , "You know I can't stand the sight of blood." , "Damnit! Rewind the instructional tape again" , "Now, which one of these did you sterilize, again?" , "Let's see now ... where's slot A?" , "Hey! I saw something just like this on The X-Files" , "Ok, think ... You're back in med school, that test you failed ... think ... " , "Hand me that curvey thing" , "Now I'm sure I put his brain around here somewhere." , "What were we supposed to cut off again?" , "Now what does this thing do?" , "I don't know, it isn't in the manual!" , "Well, MAKE it fit!" , "Dammit, I hate it when I have parts left over." , "Wasn't I wearing my wedding ring?" , "Ahh.. nobody'll notice." ...
The Top 10 Rejected Beer Slogans ...
10. Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years … 9. A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self … 8. Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'! … 7. You have to fill your bladder with something. … 6. We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster. … 5. Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You … 4. It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper! … 3. Easier to Spell than Whiskey … 2. The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid … 1. Beer: It's how you got here. ...
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." ...
On fathers day I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should wait until tomorrow!" ...
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ...
One for the Gals ...
Women: Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring. Women cry when they are happy. Women are always doing little things to show they care. They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best food, best clothes) Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up. They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion. Women know how to get the most for their money They know how to comfort a sick friend. Women bring joy and laughter to the world. They know how to entertain children for hours on end! They are honest and loyal. Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior. They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need. Women are easily brought to tears by injustice. They know how to make a man feel like a king. Women make the world a much happier place to live. ...
Men: Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders. ...
One For the Guys ...
MALE PROCEDURE FOR DRIVE-THROUGH ATM …
1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. …
FEMALE PROCEDURE FOR DRIVE-THROUGH ATM …
1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. ...
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says "there's nothin' special ... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die" ...
What you call dog with no legs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. ...
A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish". She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said" The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ". She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said" The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish." His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that, now how do you feel?" The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already". ...
An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he's exhausted. After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action. They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!" The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room. The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it! The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!" The CEO turns to him and says, "What do mean, wrong hole?" ...
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an bug." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised that bug can fly with a d#ck that big." ...
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Hawley's pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused so, she looked all around the store to make sure it was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked, holding her breasts up for me to see. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. ...
Easy steps to poo like a man ...
1. Select reading material 2. Tell everyone along the way, 'Just going for a dump, okay?' Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors. 3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down. 4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim. 5. Open reading material and relax. 6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart. 7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man. 8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks. 9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it. 10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan. 11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper. 12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses it. 13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later). 14. Wash your hands once. 15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce. ...
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me." ...
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. Think of how long it will take to get a lawyer!" ...
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins. ...
A woman says to her girlfriend, "My husband has dandruff." "So give him Head and Shoulders." Her friend answers. "OK, how do I give him Shoulders?" ...
Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser." I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money. "No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change." ...
USA STATE MOTTO's … Alabama: Now with Electricity … Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! … Arizona: It's a Dry Heat … Arkansas: Learnin' Ain't Everythin' … California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. … Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother … Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet. … Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water … Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids … Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism … Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) … Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good … Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" … Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free … Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn … Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States … Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names … Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign … Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster … Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It … Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) … Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians … Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes … Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State … Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work … Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else … Nebraska: (Ask About Our State Motto Contest) … Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker! And that's just breakfast! … New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone … New Jersey: Yo, I got your MF-in motto right here! … New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets … New York: Don't forget your lawyer. … North Carolina: Tobacco IS a Vegetable … North Dakota: One Of The 50 States! , Yes, Really! … Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan … Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing … Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner … Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal … Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island … South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender … South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota … Tennessee: The Educashun State … Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English) … Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus … Vermont: Yep, syrup! … Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? … Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! … Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? … West Virginia: One Big Happy Family, Really! … Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese … Wyoming: Where Men Are Men, and the sheep are scared! ...
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING …
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. ...
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. ...
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. ...
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. ...
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. ...
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. ...
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. ...
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. ...
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. ...
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. ...
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. ...
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. ...
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. ...
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. ...
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. ...
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. ...
Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. Question: What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you’ve drank too much. ...
A couple young ladies decided to go for a swim but forgot their suits. No one was around so they decided to strip of all their cloths and jump in. Pretty soon an old man shows up and starts staring. One of the blonds says, " Hey buddy, if you think were coming out of the water your crazy. We know what you're up to." The old man says, "I'm not here to look at you, I'm here to feed the alligators." ...
Three men come before St.Peter one morning. Pete asks the first one what happened and gets the following response: "I was on my way to work when I realized I'd forgotten my lunch, so I turned around and headed back. When I opened the door, my wife was standing there buck-naked. Now I'm no dummy, so I got to looking around the room. I didn't find anything unusual. So I went to the window and opened it up, and there was this guy, buck naked, hanging off the ledge. I banged on his fingers with all my might, but the sucker just wouldn't let go. So finally I just picked up a chest and shoved it out the window. That did the trick. After that I died of a broken heart." St. Peter moves on to the next: "I got up this morning and went to open my bedroom window, but I lost my balance and fell out. Somehow I caught onto the window-ledge of the floor below and was hanging on for dear life, when all of a sudden this guy throws open the window and starts hammering on my fingers to get me to let go. I kept yelling for help, but the guy was nuts. He turned and disappeared, and I thought everything was going to be all right, when suddenly this huge chest comes out the window on top of me and after that it all goes dark." Finally, St. Peter asks the third man how he met his end. "Honestly, I couldn't really tell you. The last thing I remember, I was hiding in a chest." ...
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote "Check girl puts out" ...
A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year- old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookies section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be long." In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry--only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said. The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine--I'm Missy." ...
One for the Gals ... Q. What do clouds and men have in common? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A. Occasionally they leave and it turns into a really nice day. ...
One for the Guys ... Earlier i couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so i asked the kids if they'd seen it . . . . . . . . . . Apparently, she'd gone shopping. ...
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks, “Great, they think the dog did it.” He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you.” ...
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs. ...
A elderly woman goes to the doctor complaining about a lump in her breast. After examining her, the doctor says "don't worry Mrs Smith, it's just your kneecap." ...
A young boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad." "No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now" "Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise." "No, I don't want to." "Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise." "Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?" "Mom says when you croak we can have this house" ...
One for the Gals ... It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 1. The woman goes to the shops. 2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. 4. The man places the meat on the grill. 5. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. 7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." 12. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women! ...
One for the Guys ... A Man comes home drunk, after drinking too much beer in a local bar. He opens the door of a bedroom and says: "You can start yelling now, so I can find where the bed is ..." ...
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over on Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car. ...
A policeman, cruising past a pub after closing, notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink, and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT." The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!" ...
I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? ...
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly ... I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." ...
Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well ... Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The nearly-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin, the nearly-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?" ...
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband. The newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying. Turning to her husband she says sobbing, "That's horrible". Confused, he responds, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving. And, well, there is that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing says, "Honey, how many is a Brazilian?" ...
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ...
Slogans for 24% ABV Beer (like Sam Adams Utopias or Dogfish Head World Wide Stout) … 16 A Trailer Park in Every Bottle! … 15 Because a Beer Hat Only Holds Two Cans … 14 Strong Enough for a Bush -- But Made for a Kennedy … 13 You Booze, You Snooze … 12 You Only Go Around Once in Life -- Might as Well Be Hammered … 11 Great Taste, Less Feeling! … 10 The Quicker Liquor-Upper … 9 Because Roofies Ain't Legal, Homeboy … 8 Like Bourbon, Only Carbonated … 7 What Beer Drinkers Drink When They Ain't Drinkin' Gasoline … 6 48 Proof: Easily Divisible by Your Favorite 12-Step Program! … 5 It's Disinfectastic! … 4 Goodbye, Beer Goggles. Hello, Seeing-Eye Dog! … 3 Get Fried With That … 2 Upgrade from Beer Goggles to a Beer Hubble Telescope! … 1 Now With More of the Active Ingredient Alcoholics Recommend Most ...
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." The bartender opens the door and looks in. "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" ...
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." ...
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, "I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on." The woman replied, "Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?" The man replied, "No, I'm turning the heat off." ...
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He buys two cases of beer instead of one. ...
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Piss off, ye'll not bring it back!' ...
What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today? Scratching like hell to get out of that box. ...
John and Mary decided to try a 69. John's never done one before, so Mary says I'll show you how. She tells him to lie on the floor and she squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face, she farts, apologising she tries again, but farts again. John jumps up and storms away yelling. "No way I'm hanging around for another 67 of them." ...
A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here." The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!" ...
Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!" ...
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger man screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man sofly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" The passenger , terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?" ...
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there. ...
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant girl? You can unscrew the light bulb! ...
One for the Guys ... Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." ... One for the Gals ... Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’. ...
I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best friend, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm ... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my buddy and said, "Scotty did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered! ...
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to screw her!" The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"? ...
One for the Gals ...
Guys and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. Girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pees as hard as he can on the stains. ...
One for the Guys ...
Wanted Ad line 1. A tall well-built woman with good 2. reputation, who can cook frogs 3. legs, who appreciates a good fuc- 4. schia garden, classic music and tal- 5. king without getting too serious 6.
Interested? Then please only read the odd numbered lines ... 1. A tall well-built woman with good 3. legs, who appreciates a good fuc- 5. king without getting too serious 7. still interested? Call me at 8250-0327 ...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." ...
A POEM ...
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother, To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! ...
7 year olds asked what they think of beer ... * Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' * Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. * Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' * Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' * Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. * Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' * Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' *Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' ...
Jimmy: Mommy, I have a drinking problem. Mom: OH MY GO Jimmy! YOUR ONLY 7! , THIS IS YOUR FAULT! JIM!! Dad: MY FAULT! MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE SPENT MORE TIME WITH HIM!! Mom: OUR 7 YEAR OLD HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM (sobbing)! , HE DOENST NEED A ROLE MODEL LIKE YOU!! Dad: I HAVE GIVEN EVERYTHING TO THIS FAMILY ... AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!!, IM LEAVING!!! Mom: FINE!!!!, I DONT NEED YOU! AND Jimmy DOESN'T NEED YOU!!! , (crying) Tell Me about your drinking problem Jimmy. Jimmy: (retrieves a paper from his school bag and reads) "If David Drinks 2 Glasses of Orange Juice and Carl drinks 3, How many glasses of Orange Juice have the both of them drank?" ...
No joke here, There will be a funny joke about procrastination here at a later date. ...
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.'' And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.'' ...
A customer was bothering the bartender. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned on because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned off cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the bartender was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the bartender with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." ...
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Rachael replied, "That's me before the surgery." ...
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down,he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth ... ...
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ...
A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?" The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply." "Can you tell me where your library is at, asshole?" ...
The good the Bad and the Ugly ...
Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: She is expecting triplets. Ugly: You were sterilized five years ago. ...
Good: Your son is growing up. Bad: He has a relationship with a prostitute from the neighborhood. Ugly: Just like you. ...
One for the Guys ... After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. ...
One for the Gals ... A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." ...
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin?" Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya ... . prove it." Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f*ckin' one?" ...
The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Sinead said: "My da's says eggs are important and we should eat plenty. One time we were taking our eggs home from the supermarket in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke on the dashboard and made a right mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher." "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Fionnula raised her hand and said: "Our family have a farm. We raise chickens for the meat factory. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story, Fionnula. Shane, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, Miss. My Da told me this story about my Auntie Karen. Auntie Karen went to live in the States in the 1980s when she couldn't get a job. Later she was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of Irish Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Auntie Karen when she's been drinking." ...
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you!" The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me!" The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank you's ... Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go ... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured." "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house." So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore!" ...
I had a phone call from the police last night, they said "your house has been broken into, they drank all your beer and had sex with your wife" I cant believe they had sex with her after only 4 beers!! ...
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." ...
A man lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so he decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet away from the dock. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" he said proudly to a deck hand. "It was alright" said the sailor. "But if you had waited a few seconds we would have pulled all the way in" ...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" ...
TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I". BETH: I is... TEACHER: No Beth, Always say, "I am" , not "I is". BETH: All right, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ...
An elderly man was stopped by the police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The police said "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied "My wife." ...
I went to the doctor the other day recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my them, he said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination." I said, "I haven't got an erection!" He replied, "I know you don't, but I do." ...
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first." ...
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." ...
Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!" ... I was at a banking machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. She was right to ask, because when I gave her a shove she fell over. ...
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too." Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?" Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?" "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?" ...
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that could service all of his many hens. He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk. "Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his way with each hen. But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dom,you'll kill yourself." But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom. The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy." "Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer." ...
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20000) on a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from the neck down rolled the dice and yelled "Come on baby Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed ... "YES! YES! I WON I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed ... The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asked "What did she roll?" The other answered "I don't know - I thought you were watching." ...
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, 'Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?' ...
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?" ...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! ...
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" Tommy says "Yes father, it's me." The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?" Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?" Tommy replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat." Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads." ...
The wife came out of the shower and said "babe shut the curtains, i don't want the neighbours seeing me naked". "Don't worry" i replied, "if they see you naked, they'll shut their own curtains" ...
Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common? A: They're all married. ...
At 3am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!" ...
Occupational Motivations *Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow. *If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them fired. *If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. *You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back. *If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. ...
I was at a banking machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. She was right to ask, because when I gave her a shove she fell over. ...
Jane's friend Debbie is complaining about a sore throat. Jane tells her, "When i have that I always give my husband oral sex and the next day I'm better, you should try it." Next day Debbie comes in singing. "How did it go?" asks Jane "Brilliant" says Debbie, "Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!" ...
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook" ... What is invisible and smells like Carrots? Rabit farts ...
New Hallmark Cards ...
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. ...
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry! ...
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. ...
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. ...
Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. But don't fret about it. She moved in with me. ...
You totaled your car. And can't remember why. Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry? ...
Too bad no one likes your wife. ...
How could two people as beautiful as you , have such an ugly baby? ...
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you, I've changed my mind. ...
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ...
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. ...
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister. ...
As I grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy... ...
Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this! ...
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. ...
Someday I hope to get married ... . but not to you. ...
Happy Birthday! you look great for your age ... almost Lifelike! ...
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up... I think it's time you kept your promise. ...
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. ...
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we call it quits. ...
I'm so miserable without you... It's like you are still here. ...
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Any idea who the father was? ...
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. ...
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... so we're having you put to sleep. ...
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (available only in Alabama and Arkansas) ...
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff, If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal, Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then ... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER. ...
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, she is eating a twinkie. The barber smiles at her and says, "Honey, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." "I know, "she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too." ...
A guy goes to the bar and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher." ...
A Scotsman is walking home from a bar and decides to take a nap in a nearby ditch. Later as a couple of girls stroll by one says to the other, "Hey, is it true they don't wear anything beneath those kiltsd?" The other says," let's take a look". So, after looking under the kilt and finding only what god graced him with, the one says,"we should leave something to let him know we were here." So, she ties her blue hair ribbon to his manhood. Upon waking the Scot uncovers to relieve himself. When he notices the ribbon he says, "I don't know where you've been laddie but I see you took first prize." ...
A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "We've been married so long, Honey, I hope you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship." The husband replies, "Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before ... but I have noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?" The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "You." ...
SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG MAGICIAN FOR YOUR KID'S PARTY 10. Before he starts he tells you "by court order, I must maintain a distance of twenty feet from your kids" 9. He saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together. 8. He insists that his magic won't work with his pants on. 7. He makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger. 6. He replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with pulling the "big snake" out of his pants. 5. He closes his eyes, then claims to be invisible. 4. His first trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister 3. He begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet love." 2. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of PBR into "liquid gold" 1. Before every trick, he says "For this one I'm going to need to borrow another bra." ...
An old man was in a bar, talking to a young man. The old man says: "Look out there to the field. Do you see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with my own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Gary-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by my own achin' back. I carved that wood with my own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me Gary-the-Bar-builder? Nooo ... " Then the old man points out the window. "Hey, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off my back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Gary-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo ... " Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. He leans closer to the young man and says "But I screw one goat ..." ...
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." ...
I nearly pissed myself last night. I was in the airport bar having a pint when this guy came in shouting Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allah Allava whiskey on the rocks please. Damn Stutterers. ...
A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year." ...
This bloke is in our pub in Temple Bar, really drunk. Some lads decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and the bloke's wife looks livid. One of them says: "Here's your husband, Missus! Safe and sound." And the wife says: "Yeah right. Now where the hell is his wheelchair?" ...
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk." He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk." Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk". ...
After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said "your the biggest i've ever had". Apparently, "Ditto" wasn't the correct response.. ...
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said "One just jumped into the mine shaft in front of us!" The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie." ...
This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?" "I don't like her." ...
Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy. "Yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." "Thats Nice" says the other IT guy who seemed disinterested. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "Hmmm" says the second guy sipping his beer "I took her miniskirt off, then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really?!! You got a new laptop?!!" ...
MOVIE TEST ...
You will need a pen and paper for this. Try this test. Do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how. ...
Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below. ...
Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works. ...
Now look up your number in the list below ...
1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Sex With A Goat 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story ...
It is really amazing, isn't it? ...
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. “What’s your name?” he asked. “Carmen,” she replied. “That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?” “Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.” “Why did you do that?” he asked. “Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?” “Beertits,” the man replied. ...
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?" ...
A guy texts his wife from the pub and says "Honey I'm just having 1 more pint, then i'll be on my way home. If i'm not home in 20 minutes then just read this text again". ...
I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and i told her she reminded me of my little toe. "Why" she said " Is that because i'm small and cute". "No" i said "Because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table later". ...
A guy checks into a hotel in Vegas on a business trip and starts to feel a bit lonely so he decides to get a call girl. So he picks up the phone and calls the number he got from the cab driver. "Hello?" the woman says. "Hi, are you nasty? I want nasty. I want it hard and fast. I'm talking kink all night. You name it we'll do it. Bring equiptment, bring toys. You do me and I'll do you--all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. How does that sound?" She says, "Umm, Sir? For an outside line you need to press 9." ...
A maid asked for a pay increase. The housewife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. ... She asked: 'Tell me, why do you want a pay increase? ... Maid: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase..The first is that I iron better than you. ... Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' ... Maid: 'Your husband said so. ... Wife: 'Oh.' ... Maid: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you. ... Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me? Maid: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maid: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maid: 'No ... the gardener did.
Wife: 'how much do you want?' ...
A woman shouts to her husband "DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?" "What are the choices?." asks the husband. She yells "YES OR NO!" ...
I thought the wife would be an ideal contestant for a new TV show. Turns out i was wrong, the program is actually called Fact Hunt. ...
DRINKING TEST ...
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin. 2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever. 3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling. 4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import. 5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being. ...
Question answer values For every question answered with an A, add ten points. For every question answered with a B, add five points. For every question answered with a C, do not change the score. For every question answered with a D, subtract five points. For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points. ...
Results For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning. For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up. For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury. For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up. For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment. ...
A wife says to her husband your always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what the hell do you expect, your in a wheel chair. ...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues ... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... "I would have gotten out today!" ...
I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly" That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking responsibly. And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly" Probably will Piss off the government as well. ...
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." ...
A guy was invited to some old friend’s home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Honey, Jaanu, etc. The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago." ...
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, Salty." ...
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." ...
Bubba and Earl are two avid hunters who got a pilot to take them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they were loading them on the plane to come home, the pilot tells them the plane can only carry four. The two good old boys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six animals were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we are?" "Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." ...
A boy was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps: 1. Unbutton pants 2. Pull pants down 3. Pull foreskin back 4. Pee 5. Push foreskin forward 6. Pull pants up and button up She walked past the bathroom one day and heard him going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good. Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5 ... ...
Every day, A man jogged past a prostitute standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what she always yelled. "One hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would yell back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the prostitute became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!" ...
One day, his wife decided accompany him on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, The man realised she'd bark her $150 offer and his wife would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the prostitute. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jogging past. ...
Then, from her corner, she yelled: "See what you get for five dollars, you cheap bastard!" ...
Q. How do you get a Highlander onto the roof? A. Tell him the drinks are on the house. ...
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?" ...
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say honey?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!" ...
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." ...
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters. "Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?" "Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead." "Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?" "Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead." The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!" "Be quiet Fridge," said the mother. ...
Beside a doctor, in what other profession could a guy tell a girl to get undressed and send the bill to her husband. ...
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.. ...
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. The farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, 'I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.' 'Suit yourself,' the farmer replied. 'The hens are 'round back.' ...
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you. WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants. ...
A man is watching football on TV and flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex. He says to his wife "I don't know whether to watch this or the game" She says "For god's sake watch this . . . . you already know how to play football" ... ...
I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised 7 guys,then he tripped over the microphone cord,and yelled "F*ck me" What happened next will haunt me forever. ...
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I remembered that I was listening to my iPod. ...
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” ...
Today I bought a new stick deodorant. The instructions said, 'Remove cap and push up bottom'. I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells nice! ...
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" ...
Hypothetical questions ... What if there were no hypothetical questions? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? Why does the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god? If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented? Is there another word for synonym? If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? ...
Little Billy's watching TV. He comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells his son all about sex and why a womans vagina gets wet. Billy just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement. "So what were you watching, to ask this son?" asks his Dad. "Tennis" he replies.. ...
Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Banned from the petting zoo ...
Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter ... where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears "You are granted one wish" says the genie. The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?" ...
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before you can cut my hair?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "A couple of hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before you can cut my hair?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "I'm pretty busy about 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before you can cut my hair?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half today." The guy left. The barber turned to the apprentice who was sweeping up hair and said "Do me a favor. Follow that bloke who just put his head around the door and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, the apprentice returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go?" The apprentice looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!". ...
A guy playing golf with some friends was lining up his putt on the 9th hole when a funeral procession goes down the road next to the green. Without warning he stops hit shot, turns round and salute's the hearse. after it had disapeared he calmly stroked in the putt and walked to the next tee. One of the other players turned round and told him how moved he was by his actions, "it was the least I could do" he told him "After all I was married to her for over 20 years." ...
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.” The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: ...
1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. ...
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.” The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!” ...
I was watching the game the other day, when my wife came in the room and said "want to make love?" I replied "after the game" she said "you can record it you know" "good idea" I said "go and set up the camcorder and I'll be up when the game is over." ...
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. One day after a few beers, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?" ...
A small boy got lost at a sporting event. He went up to a Security guard and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically. "Beer and women," said the boy. ...
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging back and forth!" ...
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose." ...
One for the Gals ... At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' ...
and One for the Guys ... Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well ...
Scotty came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Scotty , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..' Scotty was stunned.. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Scotty was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?' 'It's not so bad', replies Scotty , 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Scotty .. 'Well just relax and let it happen'. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ... 'Scotty , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!' ...
The Teacher asks the class of seven year olds who can come up with a sentence with the word fascinate. A little girl says she went to the zoo and was fascinated by the animals. The teacher thanks her and says its not quite the word she was looking for. A liitle boy says he finds science programmes on the tv fascinating. The teacher thanks him and says its not quite the word she's looking for. Little jimmy at the back of the class puts his hand up and says "My next door neighbor has twelve buttons on her blouse but because she has enormous breasts, she can only fasten eight." ...
A small boy got lost at a sporting event. He went up to a Security guard and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" said the Guard sympathetically. "Beer and women," said the boy. ...
A Scotsman and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whisky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!" Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Damnit, I didn't know that was a choice!" ...
There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. "I'm fine," Angus said, "But there are some really strange people living here in Australia. One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time." ...
"Well, ma wee laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that." ...
"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mom, I don't. No, I just stay inside ma apartment all day and night, playing ma bagpipes." ...
A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos. The artist says, "Sure." She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say 'Happy Thanksgiving.' On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, 'Merry Christmas.' Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him "I am sick of my husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." ...
Grammar is important. Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. ...
Two men are sitting inthe bar. They have just took their eighth beer. "So how are you?" one man asks from another. "Much Better than tomorrow." the other answers. ...
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ...
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! ...
Woman says to her man as she looks in the Mirror.."Does this dress make me look fat?". The man replies "No, your Fat makes you look fat." ...
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... . The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' ...
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" ...
One for the Gals ... Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say? . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: Anything that begins with "my wife tells me ..." ...
One for the Guys ... Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letterbox at the front door, which one do you let in first? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A: The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in! ...
Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1,500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!". ...
It’s the first day of football practise, and the coach notices that little Jimmy has a wee bit of talent. So he calls to Jimmy and tells to come over. “Hey kid,” he asks, “do you think you could pass a football?” Little Jimmy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach. “Christ,” he replies. “I don’t think I could even swallow one.” ...
I got call from a Charity organization asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to Go to Hell, Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving! ...
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family. "We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably. "I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table." "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby." ...
Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, John, crashed through the front door at 3 am, waking her up. He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs. 'What are you doing?' Mary shouted. John replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.' 'Leave it down there, Jimmy', Mary bellowed. 'I can't,' John replied, 'I've drunk it.' ...
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstural cycle. For example when a women is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating she will prefer a man doused in gas and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a broom shoved up his backside. ...
Paddy murphy sees a fat woman at the bar and saunters upto her. "Excuse me Honey, have you got a pen?" Blushing, the woman softly replies "Yes" Paddy replied "Well i'd get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!" ...
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowladies? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Snowballs ...
A little boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. 'Say, Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?' 'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm,' she replied. 'Why is my sister's name Cornflower?' he asked. 'Well, your father and I were in a corn field when we made her,' the mother replied. 'And why is my other sister named Moonchild?' he asked. 'We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived,' she replied. 'Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?' ...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again" WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?" HUSBAND: "I guess so." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - HUSBAND: "sh*t." ...
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Because the snowblower was coming down the block! . . . .
- Variation -
Why did the snowman pull down his pants? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Because he heard the snowblower was coming. ...
Why is Santa Claus always so happy? . . . . . . . Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. ...
How do you find Will Smith in a Snowstorm? . . . . . . . . . . . . Follow the fresh prints. ...
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?" she asked. The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree." ...
FRUITCAKE RECIPE ...
Ingredients: 1 cup water 1 cup sugar 4 large eggs 2 cups dried fruit 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts 1 gallon whiskey ..
Directions: Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, Spoon, Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway? ...
One particular Christmas eve a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?” ...
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. ...
REASONS SANTA IS PROBABLY A WOMAN ...
1. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said. ... 2. Santa explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem! ... 3. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice. ... 4. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that! ... 5. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer. ...
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday." ...
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked. "Beersex." ...
WOMAN'S DIARY ...
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me off back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY - Steelers Lost. Got laid though. ...
Doctor: "Well, well. It seems that your weight is perfect. It just happens that you are eleven feet too short." ...
PAST AND PRESENT RESOLUTIONS ...
2011 I will try to be a better husband to Tammy 2012 I will not leave Tammy 2013 I will try to reconcile with Tammy 2014 I will try to be a better husband to Jessica ...
2011: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2012: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2013: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2014: I will not miss any more AA meetings. ...
2011: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2008: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2012: I will not take out any new loans 2013: I will keep up with the debt interest 2014: I will be out of the country by the end of the year. ...
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck the bartender was almost crushed to death. ...